Fear of change

[Anthony1984]

I’m 40 with two kids to two women. Had the snip. Never thought I’d have anymore kids. I’ve met the most amazing woman of my life. She’s 30 no kids. She’s a runner like I am. I really can’t describe how we’re in love unlike anything we’ve both ever felt before. She wants a family. I thought I was open to having more children but when commitment comes up I get in loads of fear and pull back. We are currently not together but keep communicating about things. I don’t ever think I’ll get a connection to a woman like her again. I’m scared to cut contact and so is she as we’re so in love. This is a question for the guys really. Would you guys have another child to a woman your in love with or leave her and heal from the pain of the relationship and carry on with life? I’m really at a loss at what to do. As I see it it’s a massive commitment to get the snip reversed and try for a baby as I didn’t see my life panning out like that. Thanks in advance

Are you an active and loving parent to the children you have already fathered?

It is a big decision, you're right. It would take a year, minimum, to have a baby and you're then responsible for that child's life until you'll be 59 or older.

How involved are you with your first two? Do you see yourself as a father, and how do you feel about doing the baby & toddler years all over again?

I may have misread you, but it sounds as though this new crush is in the very early stages - can I say 'infatuation'? It's far too soon to be making long-term plans with her. I'm curious to know whether she's pushing you for it - but your thoughts on the prospect of fatherhood are more salient.

Did you ever imagine the relationship with the other two women will pan out like it did?
Think about that. Don’t have a child, or two, because a lady you just/recently met makes you feel so in love. New, budding relationships start off like that.
The question you should be asking yourself is if you would love to have anymore children, not because a lady you met wants one. You might meet another woman who doesn't want children or has children already and doesn't want anymore, and you will feel the same type of way/connection with them.
Edited - and as pp have mentioned, how are you with the other kids?

i am active with my children and I do love them. I feel the connection to my children isn’t as strong as it could be as I wasn’t there in the early stages of their life.

we are in love but the thought of going through it all doesn’t thrill me but I love her so much I do feel it’s possible to live a good life with her and I know she would be an amazing parent should we decide to have children. My friend said to me, take Sam out of the equation for a minute and ask yourself in general, “do you want another child” my answer is “no” but at the same time would it be wrong to give someone your in love a child as it’s all she’s ever wanted?

Let her go, you have 2 children by 2 different women, you weren't there in the beginning of your children's lives. Do not steal this women's fertile years, being in love with someone and being a good parent are totally different.

She can find someone else, giving a women a child is not like wrapping a gift and giving it to someone on Christmas day 🙄

Ask her if she is willing to look after the child as a single parent.

Based on your track record the probability of this being her reality is higher than you staying.

With bells on!

You are wrong to have a baby for your partner. Babies are human beings and should be planned out of love for the baby as well as the partner.
It sounds like you want to have a baby so you don’t have to break up with her which is not fair on the baby

That’s great to hear you are active with your children. Do they both stay with you on the same half of the week or on halves? How old are your kids and how do you combine having two kids with your running ?

I’m asking because I’m wondering how it will work if you have a third child with your new partner. How does she feel about being a step mum to your other two children for half or all of the week ?

Don’t you think you should try living together first and see how all three of you get on before adding another baby into the mix?

Because if it doesn’t work out with this woman, you are going to end up living for 3-4 days a week with your two older children and a new baby . How are you going to do this - can you work part time? can you afford 3 children and to take paternity leave ?

Do you have enough space for 3 kids - I’m assuming your older 2 don’t share a bedroom when they are at yours ?

Do you pay for your existing children? How much do you see them? I'd focus on your existing kids.

And it sounds far too early to be planning kids with this woman.

More information is needed to give you a helpful response.

1. How well do you know this woman? For how long? How often do you see her?
2. How often do you see your existing children? How old are they? What is your relationship with their mothers like? What are the custody arrangements?
3. What is your living situation? Do you own or rent? How big is your house/flat?
4. Are you employed? Full time? Do you make enough to support three children?
5. How much do you contribute to your children currently every month?