Moving in with bf - tips

[toolittletimeagain]

I'm moving in with my bf this weekend and I'm really excited about it although a little nervous - neither of us has lived with a partner before and we're 34 and 35 so probably a bit stuck in our ways. I know I'm quite messy and he's quite tidy so I will definitely need to make an effort in that respect. We have been spending weekends and a couple of days in the week together so we are used to being around each other although of course living together is different to that. Any tips for making sure it goes smoothly?

Get a cleaner

Agree beforehand a rota of who does what & when and also how the finances work.

A couple of tips I got when I moved in with DH.

1. sit down together and list all the chores involved in running the house. This includes things like bill admin and joint account management. Divide up the list based on size of task, frequency, what goes together, preference and ability. It should be a rough 50/50 split acknowledging that 50/50 doesn’t relate to the number of tasks but the size and frequency as well.

agree that neither of you will make the other’s life harder. That means you still tidy away your stuff even if you’re not the cleaner. The non clothes washer agrees to give x days notice of needing anything particular etc.

2. outsource whatever you can jointly afford to.

3. work out finances. What is fair in terms of contribution and how managed.

4. talk about what happens if you split up. Whose property is it. Would you both move or just one of you?

5. I was way more messy than DH when we moved in together. I’ve changed over the years and have become very tidy. Before that though I had my own room. A room where I could make all the mess I needed and could close the door. Joint spaces like the kitchen and living room had to be kept tidy to his standard.

This can feel quite prescriptive but we found it headed off lots of potential flash points before they happened. We also revisited all of these at key change moments e.g moving house, getting married, having kids, leaving work etc

It's a good idea to have a routine of cleaning - eg sat mornings or whatever to do a big clean, and then who tackles what during the week.
My DH cooks and I clean the kitchen each day, I try and do bathroom 2-3 times a week, DH takes bins out. Once DD is in bed we run a hoover round etc. All helps!

Morning routines are an odd one. DH and I are both morning people so up at 6ish but neither of us talk much for an hour. It's a different thing from staying with a Bf at weekends where you laze and have breakfast etc. Make sure you have clear idea of routines - eg does he get up down a coffee and shoot out, or more leisurely? Working around each other usually takes a bit of settling!

My top tip in training a man (!) Is about not letting him do half jobs. Don't pick up after him or you always will. I make my DH go back and finish jobs eg putting a bag in the bin after he's emptied it (he forgets) or cleaning the sink when he shaves.

Good luck and enjoy it!!

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

hopefully neither link ever applies but just good to notice the patterns as you settle- much harder to undo things than to create them right at the start

i also hope you have loads of fun!

You need a very open discussion about finances. List out all shared expenses (rent, bills, food and household items) and discuss how you will divide paying for them.

Finances and inequality in doing things around the house are the biggest problems. Do you earn about the same amount?

You're moving into his place - does he rent it or have a mortgage?

I think it works better if you both move into somewhere new together. He might get irritated if you mess up his place.

Thanks everyone! We have already discussed bills and I am renting out my house in case it all goes tits up and I need to return to my house.

I'm quite lucky that bf doesn't mind cleaning whilst I hate it so he will continue doing the cleaning and I'll run the hoover around and load/unload the dishwasher.

Re meals neither of us are great cooks but happy to cook for each other although he is out a few times a week doing sports so we won't always be eating together anyway.

Keep your fingers crossed for me! And thanks again

Gousto meals are a great idea if neither of you are good cooks.

Clean up your poo spatter.

Just dont let the resentment kick in cos once it does there is no way back.

Never go to sleep on an argument.
Input and output for both must be equal.
Do not be rude about each others family members and do not tolerate them being rude about your partner.
Neither of you should leave your dirty underwear on the floor.

1. Give each other space to just breath
2. If it gets tense, get out of the house… go out for a walk/glass of wine/coffee/phone a friend… do this before saying something you might regret
3. Remember to still have fun with each other- flirt, laugh, be silly
4. Keep on top of household chores- pick up after yourself, tidy up as you go (both of you!)
5. If you’re tired at the end of a long day, just order a takeaway
6. Keep seeing family/friends/engaging with hobbies etc- he shouldn’t become your whole world
7. Relax about where the relationship is going- moving in together doesn’t necessarily mean a proposal/children are imminent (if that’s even what you want). Enjoy the journey

Great advice no 6 should be NUMBER ONE.
have fun xxxxx

My mother gave me the advice 'start as you mean to continue' in relationships. So basically, don't start doing all the chores or cooking or whatever if you aren't going to be happy doing it forever. Be yourself but a considerate version of yourself.