Hi,
I'm going through a difficult time and just asking really for a hand hold or maybe reassurance that things will get better!
I split from my exDH a few months ago. We had had a twenty year marriage of ups and downs, but the last 10 years especially were extremely stressful - exDH had a mental breakdown and was emotionally abusive to me. He was cold, angry and checked out and said he hadn't loved me for years.
I spent years trying to work on things and repair our relationship but nothing worked. We are now in separate homes and share custody of our dc.
I met a guy (I'll call him G) about a year and a half ago. We are both studying and training in a specific line of work and we have online tutorials and discussion groups. He lives in the US. Long story short, we got on really well and started meeting up separately online, initially to talk about the work, but then just informal chat. At this point I had already decided to separate from my ex. We ended up telling each other about our lives - G was single, and I told him about my ex. He was extremely kind and supportive. To be honest, I feel that chatting with G, and having his support, was a big part of me finding the strength to go through the whole process of the break up.
Basically we had such a lot of chemistry, the conversation flowed and we both found each other really attractive. After a few months I felt like I was really falling for him. We had about a year of talking online. I didn't feel ready to meet him as I was still trying to organise everything with the separation. G knew this, we both said we had really strong feelings for each other and that we could hopefully meet up soon. We weren't officially seeing each other, but knew that we were both single and we really liked each other, but that things needed to move slow because of my situation. We both said that we felt like "soul mates" (I know some people don't like the term!), we just seemed so compatible.
My ex moved out a few months ago, and I went off radar a bit with G, as I was going through a hell of a lot emotionally and practically, trying to sort out custody, finances, housing etc. But I still thought about him all the time and kept in brief contact.
I spoke to G a few weeks ago and I could tell something had changed, he was a bit more reserved. Then yesterday he basically told me that he'd started seeing someone else. I've been absolutely heartbroken, I was crying all night and most of this morning.
The woman he is seeing lives in the US, and is already helping him with a project he is starting. He said that they have been friends for about a year. He was really nice about it and said that he still really cared about me and hoped we would still do tutorials and group meetings together. He said I would "really like" the new woman and she reminds him of me.
I am so devastated, I honestly feel like I deeply love G. I don't know how i can get over this. After years of coldness, anger and emotional abuse from my ex, this guy showed me care, warmth and love. He was just so straightforward and honest which was such a refreshing change from my gaslighting ex. I just don't understand why his feelings towards me changed. But if I'm being honest, maybe we were both being unrealistic - we live in different countries. I have kids, he doesn't. His job involves him travelling around. He's never been married and I think his longest relationship was only a couple of years (he's late forties, as am I). He's a bit of a free spirit.
Thinking about it in the cold light of day, I have no idea how a relationship between he and I would work practically, but I just kept thinking things would work out as we cared so much for each other. I don't know if, for him, everything seemed less complicated with the new woman, and less baggage. She doesn't have children, lives nearer to him, and is helping him with his project. I don't know if he thought that when I wasn't in much contact with him that maybe I had changed my mind, then he started looking elsewhere. But I still don't understand how you can supposedly have deep feelings for someone then within a few months you can move onto someone else.
I feel so so alone and like I have nothing to look forward to. I feel old, overweight and ugly. I feel like I'll never meet anyone I care about as much as G, or ever have the same amount of chemistry.
Still trying to sort out decluttering all my ex's junk that he left here, and disentangling all the finances. It all seems totally hopeless.
Don't know what I'm asking, but if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to get through this it would be much appreciated!
Ps. Sorry its so long!!