Father issues

[parlour]

I (45) have a younger brother (42) who has a volatile personality. If for example you're talking about something and you disagree with him or offer some advice that he doesn't agree with he can get very nasty.

Because of how he is my Dad (76) treats him very differently to me. My dad will basically never call him out on anything as he knows what will happen.

My dad will often ask me and my family if we want to meet up and if we can't, instead of accept it, my dad will often make a snide or arsey comment. He will also say things like, I never see you, you never come over to my house.

It really annoys me and this has been going on for a few years now. He will suggest things that are totally inappropriate for a young child to go to or suggest things that won't work because of the hours we work and then when we decline he'll guilt trip us or make an arsey comment.

With my brother he will never say anything. He just accepts what my brother tells him, no I can't make that, I'm busy on that day for example. If we say that we get, I haven't seen you for months or we never see you.

We've actually seen him the last two weekends and will see him this weekend.

I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this other than calling him out on his responses. We see my dad as much as we can but if we can't for any reason he just can't seem to accept it. He will with my brother though and I'm really fed up of him not just accepting that we can't see him all the time. I'm fed up of the little digs he makes. He's not the sort of person that likes confrontation. If I say something he'll probably disappear for two weeks, no texts, nothing. I rarely take my daughter to his house as he has a very large dog that he can't control and made fun of her (5) being frightened so I won't take her unless the dog isn't there. Again, if I mention the dog it's like I am the problem

I’m sorry but if you’re not prepared to call him out there’s not much advice anyone can give you

Why do you keep visiting him?. Do not reward your dad’s poor behaviour by visiting. He does this because he can and you allow it. Do not fall for his guilt trips, he died not feel guilty about treating you and your family in the ways he has.

Sorry to hear this OP. Your dad and your brother seem to have similar personalities. I would drop the level of contact with both of them and focus on yourself and your DC. Their bad manners and aggressive behaviour have caused this angst, you are not at fault.

Let's look at your father as if he were a child. Because from his behaviour, he might as well be.
If he was your child, and he's be throwing tantrums like that whenever he didn't get his way, would you respond the same way? Would you try to accommodate him as much as possible? Would you give in to all his demands for the sake of not dealing with his childish outbursts or emotional manipulation? Would you take it personally, or reason with your child to behave differently because it upsets you so much?

I'm hoping your answer would be no.

It may seem silly to make this comparison, but actually adult relationships don't differ much from those we have with our children. It's all about boundaries.
When he behaves in a way that's unfair to you, does this behaviour get rewarded? It would seem so. How would he ever be encouraged to behave differently if he's getting all of the outcomes he wants?

I think you need to start setting boundaries, and treat your father the way you'd treat a child who's having a tantrum. You don't let that rile you up. You don't break down emotionally because of it. You don't take it personally or try to reason with him. Just stand firm.

Your time, your families time, that's the commodity. He wants it. You are the one who has the power to grant it to him, or keep it from him if he misbehaves. He doesn't get to spend time with you when he's acting this way. Period. He shouldn't be rewarded for being emotionally manipulative and dismissive of your feelings.

Your brother clearly gets it from his father. Please don’t repeat any history by letting your daughter be on the receiving end of all of this.