Physical attraction minimal after almost 20 years

[Honest00lad]

I've seen a few threads from both women and men who aren't happy with a lack of lust/ physical attraction between them and their partner. Sometimes it's where they don't want sex, other times it's the case where they want it but get rejected when they initiate it. Often the responses are "leave" or porn gets blamed.

In my relationship it has faded and faded to a very low desire and happens infrequently. I'm approaching 40, physically healthy and have no porn addiction. It's just the time with the same person that has taken its toll. A woman slightly less attractive would be 10 times more exciting in bed. Do I leave a wonderful person that I have many magical moments with over the years for some excitement with another woman? IMO - Absolutely not. She knows me so well, we are raising a family together, we have humour, we can grow old together.

The truth is in life you cannot have everything. Social media leads people to believe they can lead a perfect life.

What do people think of the above? Am I right or is exciting shagging worth jumping ship for?

I think I would question why the attraction has faded? It's not a forgone conclusion, that that amount of years together, should mean a loss of attraction. I have been with my DH for 16 years, and our attraction to one another hasn't faded. We did have a long patch where he had ED, and that really was hard, but now he has fixed that with medication, and everything is back on track. For context, we are older than you at 54 & 52. Do you do exciting things together? We certainly do, and I think that helps. Holidays is our "thing", so we are always planning something exciting, and have loads of things to talk about. Do you dress up and go out on date nights?

Thanks for your reply @Blondiebeachbabe .So for you it's just as exciting as it was in the first 6 months together? I love the irony that you described his ED as hard 😂. But jokes aside, really good that he got it sorted and you are back on track.

Holidays we have the kids with us. I definitely think we could do more date nights

Assuming you're looking for suggestions rather than just musing, I definitely think date nights are the way to go.

Do stuff that you did when you were younger, remember why you felt in love in the first place.

Be daft, childish, have fun together.

Your parter is supposed to be your friend and your fun person. Not just the person you negotiate household chores with etc.

What did you do before children came along?

Start doing that again.

I managed to lose attraction to exDP a year into the relationship, despite him being perfect on paper and loving each other deeply. We broke up 18 months after that point. No kids or stressful situations in the mix. Date nights and exotic holidays galore.

Sometimes the attraction just goes. It’s heartbreaking.

Some great advice there and I'll definitely go on more date nights and make more of an effort. Can't really compare life to how it was before kids because we were so young so naturally things were more active. There is humour there, we have a laugh.

If things can't be fixed then I'm not just going to walk away for a shag elsewhere. It's not worth it I'm pragmatic in the way I see things.

So it was perfect but a lack of sex ended it? Sorry to hear that that

I think you are right OP. I would never leave a longterm partner I loved and liked just for sex. Life is much more than that.

I agree OP. It’s totally normal for the spark in a long-term relationship to dim a bit, especially when you’ve been together for years, raising a family, and dealing with everyday life. It’s easy to think that jumping ship for some new, exciting fling might solve the problem, but you’ve got a solid relationship built on love, shared memories, and a deep connection. You’re right that social media can give us unrealistic expectations, making it seem like we should have it all—perfect relationship, amazing sex, everything. But real life is about compromise and recognizing that not everything stays the same over time. Sure, the thrill might fade, but the bond you’ve built is worth so much more. The key is figuring out if you can reignite some of that passion together, or if the other parts of your relationship are enough to keep you satisfied. In the end, it’s about what you value most—momentary excitement or a lifetime of partnership. Not everyone's answer will be the same, so no-one can tell you what is most important for you in your life.

You need a day where you don’t get out of bed all day. Before I had kids I remember the odd rainy saturday we would just stay home and “cuddle” all day. Get takeaway, eat in bed, get the tv on or iPad, watch some films in bed, make a promise neither of you will get up and do anything, relax, and one thing will lead to another. Obviously kids need a babysitter though.
Thats my theory as to why you have more sex when you first meet, less responsibilities, more time cuddling.

We are together 18 years.
Still fancy him loads and I can tell he's still smitten with me.
We were told about 15 years ago ..... when you're married and after children it's a very rare thing to have s3x.
Not for us.

Your relationship sounds beautiful and solid. Mine is similar. I’m 10 years on and children leaving the nest. Now we have more time just for us and plan more exciting times just the two of us!

Thanks, wonderful post, much appreciated and I fully agree with what you said.

That's brilliant. Like the honeymoon period that doesn't end?! Must be magical.

That's a good idea!

I think the reason for more when first meet is the excitement of how new it is, the unknown. That usually fades over time. It's nobody's fault.

If you still have a laugh then there is hope!

Laughter is a fantastic aphrodisiac.

You've had some great advice here. I hope you're able to resolve this.

divorce most definitely goes up when the kids fly the nest! All those plans don’t always work out, some do and some remain happily married despite less attraction as it’s not the be all and end all, often that life cycle where kids flew the nest is the REAL test, despite all those happy plans. A lot of people re discover themselves and find they are attracted to different things and people and some just don’t have anything in common anymore without the kids, let alone any attraction.

Oh yeah another thing social media is on this level fake, I’ve had Facebook 17 years, and I can honestly say the ones that post the most about their happy marriage and all those pics of happy couple Lol are no way as perfect and happy! Ive been shocked so many times at the ones who’ve split up !

This. We've been together 30 years. Kids are grown now. We've had our difficult times but we're more in love now than we've ever been. I think I probably fancy him more now than I did in the beginning. The sex (when the kids are out 😂) is bloody amazing!

As good as the honeymoon period? That is amazing 🤩