Is loss of identity common after abuse?

[Happyfarm]

I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. I was kind of neglected as a child, I think my mum had mental health issues. I entered into a 15 year long abusive marriage. It’s been a few years now and I find I struggle.

Im not 100% with my identity. I sometimes look at what other people want and try and be that and fail because obviously I am not them.

I need to find myself again and not base it on what people want.

No response is the best response. It's also referred to as gray rock.

There will be a response from them. Your power lies in silence.

Do you think that once you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse you kind of see it a lot and a lot of people have no idea they are part of the scenario?

What about if you need to see them but don’t want to be emotionally triggered? Does that just come from me detaching?

Everywhere.

Mentally detaching.

Do you really need to see them? Are you addicted to the drama?

They are my H’s parents and his family, he doesn’t seem to have any idea but he is a people pleaser like me.

Your H is probably immune to it because he doesn't know any different. You however haven't spent your whole life being suffocated by their dynamic

He moved out when he was about 19 I think and has a hoarding issue so I definitely think he’s been affected somehow. It causes issues because he can’t bring himself to throw bloody anything. But I have sympathy because I can’t seem to detach in my own silly way also. Mums can really mess us up.

I think I’m understanding what you said in this quote. I think my own trauma is taking over my understanding of situations. Perhaps in this situation the other person has an issue unrelated to me. For example the person could be jealous and I’m perceiving it as I’m doing something wrong, or I am wrong when in actual fact it’s all to do with the other person and not me, I’m all good to carry on being me. Their behaviour of ignoring me and excluding us from family events even if it’s their issues isn’t nice still.

See it but don't overthink it or give it headspace.

I’m going to try because it effects me negatively and it will effect my kids and I’ve had enough of my brain just doing it own bloody thing all the time.