Help - Messages to another women

[Rainbow714]

Need help/advice. So i found out on Sunday that my husband married for 8 years together for 20 has been messaging another women on and off for past 6months. They've none each other a long time but haven't seen each other since school, some messages were very flirty and suggested to meet up. He's come clean and admitted it meant nothing and he's stupid and knows he has messed up, no intention to actually meet, spoke to her and she says the same. Nothing more than stupid drunken txts that were sent occasionally. What i do, i'm heartbroken. Love him to pieces and don't want our marriage to be over. We have 2 children together too.

No they both said they were never going to meet, was just silly messages that went too far!

@Rainbow714 - not read the full thread so I may be saying what you already know but what leaps out at me is that you seem to think you should already know what to do. But actually this is a decision you can and should take your time over and he will just have to bear with you while you do. If he is sufficiently sorry and caring of your feelings, your relationship might be able to recover. If he isn’t, then it probably won’t. But these things take time to work out.

Thank you @Dery he is very sorry, he really knows he's messed up and had told me he will do anything to fix this. I want to make this work and so does he, it's been a hard week but i think it's opened his eyes up to a lot. Don't want to throw our whole life away together if he's made a mistake and is owning it. Some people will say i'm stupid, maybe i am. It will take alot of work and not sure if i will trust him again....but i think i owe it to us to at least try.

I have been in this situation, every time he swore that was it I found more, then he’d swear that was definitely all etc.
He also told me it meant nothing, I told him I’d much rather he threw our marriage away for something that was meaningful to him as when he was investing his time in her I obviously meant nothing to him aswell.
I hope you take time for yourself to figure out what you want/need to do 💐

It would be stupid to throw your marriage away over a few messages, especially if he is remorseful and wants to work on it. I do think he needs to have zero contact with this women for the rest of his married life though. If he isn't willing to do that he isn't serious.

Listen to your gut, think about why you're making whatever choice you are and if your chose is to stay; make sure he does all and everything to show he's sorry, understands the pain he's caused and that he appreciates how lucky he is.

My ex H had an actual physical affair. I stayed. But I'm now happily divorced from him. I'm glad I stayed for some reasons but wished I'd left for others.

Please don't insinuate a woman who is hurting is stupid if she makes a certain choice.

He knows he's done wrong and how much he's hurt me - he told me he will do whatever i want from him. He's giving me space as i've requested but answering my questions honestly too. We've talked alot this week, about a lot of things and hopefully it's fixable. He's deleted all contact with her, he did this straight away! I didn't need to ask....can i trust him again? If i do allow him to stay (we've lived seperate as much as we can this week) can i trust him again?

You will never trust him the same again,it's like a wound ,it may heal quick or slow,there's always going to be a scar though.

That's what worries me....if we try and make things work we both want to, but i think i'd always be scared could he do this to me again? Do men learn from a 'mistake' i do think he's genuine with what he's saying right now. He's not pushing me into any decision, told him i need time to think about things.

i don't want to throw everything away if it was a silly mistake.

But it wasn't a 'silly mistake' was it? It was a repeated and sustained betrayal of you and your marriage. That he continued with for months and months, doing over and over again, by the sound of it. For an ego boost or a fantasy.

I wouldn't be able to forget that. Whatever you choose to do going forward, your marriage will never be the same and you need to recognise that. It will always be just a little bit shittier with this knowledge in your head. He can't repair that.

For me I would need him to go to therapy to understand why he did it. “I don’t know” isn’t a good enough answer and leaves the door open for him to fall into the same situation.

And when he has an answer for himself and you, you’ll both need to be willing to work through the implications, which might be hard. Maybe he has low self-esteem and it was an exciting boost for him. Maybe he feels ignored in your relationship and you’ll need to reflect on whether there’s some truth to that. There might be work for both of you to do, but if you’re committed to doing it, I think this is fixable.

@Rainbow714 - it’s very natural to wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust him again. But you can’t know the answer to that yet. There are people who have been in your shoes and have rebuilt their relationship and the trust has recovered. Others may try to trust but then accept - after maybe a few years of trying - that the trust has gone and the damage can’t be repaired.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be walking away yet. Only time will tell whether your relationship can recover from this but it sounds like he’s saying and doing the right things.