SUPPORT GROUP for individuals whose partners have cheated

[Wills]

This is probably too late to start this so I’ll try again tomorrow but since discovering that my partner (of almost 33 years and husband of 26) has been having an affair I’ve seen many other threads that seem to echo some of the stuff that’s been happening to me and I wondered if I could attract these individuals to this thread for mutual support and just to moan about them and get advice/tips. I’ll start it off by describing what’s happened to me almost 10 weeks ago. My ‘d’H has been out in the Middle East for 11.5+ years now but only in the last 2.5 has he become distant and arrogant. Even then I didn’t see this coming. He has always been far more money driven than I am and originally we agreed he’d only go out to work in the Middle East for a couple of years but obviously he’s liked the life style. He ended up telling me about the OW on my birthday and literally floored me. I gave up my, very powerful, career because our children turned out to be on the spectrum and he couldn’t deal with the idea of being a full time father - I say ‘powerful’ because it was - I was the main breadwinner for many years but 18 years ago gave it up. I’ve really struggled not earning my own money, but for 8+ years he’s seemed really caring and engaged. I’m not sure what’s happened in the last few years but he’s changed and become extremely arrogant. He’s very much a lounge lizard. The OW has been dumped, but he’s not remorseful in the slightest. He’s so full of himself that I worry that he may have a point. He’s adamant that I wont get much money and I worry that he’s hiding it because his bank account is off shore.

I could go on but feel that’s enough of an opener. I just wanted to start this to connect with others who are feeling equally raw/hurt/scared.

This is a good idea. Bumping up for you.

Thank you. Suspect it was too late in the evening

Chumplady.com is the number one support site for this. It has links to more private support groups as well.

The most important thing to do is get a pitbull of a lawyer. You can have a forensic accountant go over his finances and find the money. Don't tell him what you're up to though. He'll only move the money somewhere else. Keep him in a false sense of security while you secretly prepare for your exit and have this looked into. Get an STD test and whatever you do, don't have sex with the fucker.
There's tons more advice available at chumplady.

Just wanted to add that I left a cheating prick, but not before getting damning information about him he didn't want revealed. Thanks to that he gives me no trouble about money and leaves me alone. Prepare to be ruthless, because I can assure you he will be.

I’d never heard of Chumplady so thankyou

Can I just say that Chumplady has refused me access to their Facebook site. They have a series of questions that need answering and I can understand why they protect themselves, I really can, but a simple scan of the website didn't provide any answers and being profoundly dyslexic means I'm really not good at working through sites and finding information. Well it's either my dyslexia or my age! Personally I could really do with others around me that are going through what I am now. Yes I could put threads up but I suspect it's going to get bloody boring for most individuals and actually I want a thread where I can share with others, not one dedicated to me.

So in summary is there anyone out there that would like a thread like this? Also if not could I up Chumplady's questions because I'm baffled. That feels wrong, but for a site that is supposedly trying to support individuals it's remarkably hard to get into. Finally what about those whose husband's haven't had affair but have turned, instead, into opinionated arsewipes?

Now I'm worried that you'll think I'm a troll etc. How does someone go about proving they're not a troll. I'm in sooo much pain, but starting new threads about what I'm going through isn't fair. I'm so incredibly needy however! Ugh!!!

Am returning to 'House' never seen it before but its good to not think to!

You might find Surviving Infidelity helpful OP. It's a website for people in your position.

I agree re Pitbull lawyer plus forensic accountant.

Another site you might find interesting is 'Runaway Husbands' on Facebook.

0h fab, am off to look these up. thank you so much

You will find many of the husbands in the Middle East are having affairs.
someone I know, his wife & children left just before Covid, is now having an affair for the last 3+ years. They have been living together & when their jobs finished in one country they have both moved to another one & it seems like the affair is still ongoing.…

Can i join?

Stbxh cheated after 18 years together, two DDs

OP, the reason they ask you questions at the FB group is to keep the cheating spouses of the members from joining and to keep trolls out. Just answer as best you can.
You may find it easier to get into the reddit group. The link is at the chumplady blog.

Please set up thr thread, it would be so good to talk to other "victims" of affairs!!!

Hi I was wondering was anyone still on this that i can talk to and ask for advice before I go crazy 😂

I've just discovered this thread. Agree that chumplady and surviving infidelity ate great groups on reddit

I feel your pain.
happened to me after 30 years.
5.5 year affair “In plain sight”
We are TRYING to see if we can salvage the marriage.
He’s a changed man since he finished the affair (when I found out)
I don’t know how things will go/ end up.
Im still a complete wreck - can’t sleep - the absolute shock of it.
I played detective and got into his accounts and found out all the raw details and communication between them. It sickens me to the core and I now replay those sickening sexting convos in my head all the time. (He has since given me all the passwords in an attempt at full transparency)
I am unsure that he fully understands the immense hurt that’s always present and I think he’s becoming impatient that I cannot move on from it.
‘This may be the deal breaker for us.

How are you faring ???
Is he showing remorse ?

Hi @Iwillcomeouttheotherend , oh honey I'm so incredibly sorry. Nearly 10.5 months in and it still hurts, BUT I am starting to vaguely see a light at the end of an incredibly long and dark tunnel. My ex stalks me on here to see if I'm slating him so I don't often post because I feel hunted by him.

I still feel enormous love for him but have gradually realised that the love I have is for the man I married. I miss him greatly.

I've removed myself, as much as possible, from his sphere. I have to communicate with him for our 4 kids and having been through a divorce where my parents insisted I chose a side I know the pain this causes. I will not do that to my kids, though I despair at his idea of being a good parent. He's happy to give them money just as long they don't ask for his time, effort or energy (aside from seeing them once every 6 or 7 weeks).

As for him feeling remorse I've no idea. Sometimes I think he might but he can very effectively compartmentalise so most of the time I try to tell myself he doesn't because he just doesn't think about it.

I've no idea if we could have worked through this but I wanted to as I love/d him so much. But he had no intention of changing his life in anyway (including not seeing the other woman) so it's simply not on the cards. I think the fact that your husband is doing his best to choose you is positive as long as you can find a way, together, to form a new relationship together. My MIL is adamant that the only reason we're no longer together is because I refuse to talk to him. She misses the point that all the talking we started to do was on his terms with zero concession to me or my feelings and his affair seemed to become all about me not being a good enough wife and talking was all about how I had to change. It makes it very difficult to have any form of relationship with her which is another loss as I loved her very much. It's not so much that she's taken a side, rather that a mother will always want to take their child's perspective and being a mother myself, I get that.