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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lies again.. wish I could leave

1 reply

Notasitshouldbe · 21/08/2024 20:18

As it says really.. Just want to rant, and some understanding I'm not crazy!
My OH and I have been together 20 years, have 3 beautiful children but once again he has lied to me and been hiding things.
A bit of background y OH had a drug addition when he was younger, has been clean on and off. Anyway three years ago I go to the point of giving him an ultimatum.. the drugs or your family. Kicked out the house to sort himself out he went to his mothers he came back a week later and we talked things through and he decided to kick the drugs once again. He did really well, we kept talking and supporting him, we were really proud of him.. fast forward to this week.. I happened to look on my daughters phone (was OH old phone and his messages are still linked to the phone as it doesn't have a sim card in, daughter just uses it for games) and I have found months of messages between him and another person arranging to get weed, going halves on it, but more upsetting is ib someone of these messages it clearly states ill have to stash it as she (me) is off work this week and will be home. I'll drop it to you when she's not about!! So he is hiding this all from me, but a tually stated in his messages that he can't meet as she is around, clearly demonstrates that he is purposely going behind my back with all this.

I mean, I am so angry, when I read these messages I was literally shaking. I don't want to split up my family home, and I'm prepared to stay as lodgers for the sake of our three children all of whom are a school. But I am so done. Am I over reacting? Am I being logical to think I can stay in the same house with him. I just don't know, I don't even know what I want anyone to say. I just needed to rant really I guess. I'm so shocked and disappointed in him. He knew three years ago it was the family or the drugs.. I just feel like he doesn't care at all.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 21/08/2024 20:43

What a horrible situation for you, it must feel awful being betrayed like that when you felt a corner had been turned.

I know it’s not ideal, but “breaking up the family” is not always the worst thing. Living like lodgers just denies you any happiness and everyone deserves to be happy. I wholeheartedly believe that children are happy provided they feel safe, loved and their parents are happy and you can do more damage by staying.

You don’t want to teach your children that setting boundaries means nothing. Try to think what advice you’d give to your children in an identical situation and life by that because they will learn from you.

It’s horrible and painful and I don’t say this lightly, but I think you need to leave and gain some happiness and peace from the constant worry and secrecy and rollercoaster you’re on now.

Think of how many perfectly happy, healthy, reasonable adults have parents who are divorced and then try and make sure you are valuing yourself, your feelings and your wellbeing because it’s so easy to overlook that for the sake of your children.

You’re obviously a very good mum to those kids and that will not change if you decide to leave.

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