Has anyone survived divorcing a narcissist? I'm terrified and struggling

[NotReallySure]

So I left my abusive, narcissistic ex 2 years ago, am trying to divorce him but he's playing a clever game and stalling a lot. He's turning the kids against me, my parents and spoiling them so they just want to be with him. I'm desperately setting boundaries and trying to be calm and firm but honestly they're like wild animals when I get them back from him. He's got them 50/50 as I was advised this was law and not to try and fight it, at the time I just needed out the house as he was a threat to me. Has never hurt the kids physically and they do love him. They're safe there on a physical level but now I feel this is an awful place for them. He asks them to keep stuff they do there a secret from me. He gaslights, Darvo. I can't talk to him as apparently the kids are "no problem" at his. I'm speaking to my lawyer Friday and still have contact with women's aid. I'm terrified of the process as he will twist everything and make it horrendous for us all, but trying to keep things settled and "amicable" clearly hasn't worked. Any help/advice?

Anyone?

Hoping to bump for you.

It's great you're in touch with Women's Aid. Have you spoken with them (and your lawyer) about his behaviour regarding the children? Parental alienation is taken seriously by family courts, you may be able to reduce his time with the children on this basis potentially.

How old are the children?

Ultimately I had to await the dc being old enough to go nc with him. They were 12 and 14.....

My advice is to represent yourself and go straight to court. The judge will be fair, your ex won't.

I’m 2 1/2 years down the line. I am fortunate that I have more custody. It wouldn’t be practical for DD to have more nights with him. She’s 11 now and sees him for what he is. The Disney Dad days out and gifts are long gone. She goes to his (every other weekend) because it’s agreed at the moment but she already says she won’t go when she’s older. She doesn’t feel at home there. I try to be fairly neutral about her Dad. If she complains I’ll say ‘I understand why you’re upset’. We look at strategies for her to stay calm at his house and not get wound up. She has a sensory box to help her unwind when she gets home from his.
She says if she gets married she wants me to walk her down the aisle and he won’t be invited! I’m not sure what the future holds but by being loving. as calm as possible and praising her a lot, she’s a much happier child with me. It’s just gradually got better.

You need to grey rock this! He wants you to be distressed. Don’t play into it. Play calm and unaffected.

Use the 50% time off to your advantage, in whatever way that means for you. More earnings, time to relax, seeing friends.

Make sure every communication you send him is reasonable and only about the children - imagine a judge reading them.

Be incredibly boring and unaffected by him in his presence and in communication.

I did all this. It’s a long game and it’s hard but these types are all the same.

His priority is making you feel like shit. If it was the kids well-being , he wouldn’t be doing any of this. Know this, and don’t let him have it.

They will see him for what he is. You need to consistently be their rock and they will look back and remember that.

Thanks so much everyone.

The kids are 6 and 8 and currently my 6 year old seems to be having so much rage and upset. I am going to go to court for a bit of an increase in time with me. 70/30 so not stopping contact but they need a stable home. I'm terrified of his reaction as he will fight this and gaslight and twist things and potentially make it harder for both me and the kids in the short term.
The kids get free rein with YouTube/treats etc at his so they do like it there. I'm managing to keep my cool with most of the meltdowns but it can be triggering when they are throwing his words at me when they are having these tantrums.
So good to hear from other people who have been through this x

I'm speaking to my lawyer on Friday and women's aid are contacting her too. X