What would you do?

[KAM2024]

Hi all. I posted a while back about my husband having a 'too friendly' relationship with a single, very pretty colleague at work. So, just for context, my husband has never physically cheated on me but he has overstepped boundaries in the past with another female, which at the time, was a uni friend. They eventually grew apart after uni.

I was completely beside myself the other night as his mobile is constantly pinging and its most of the time this colleague whatsapping him outside of work. They've already shared multiple tiktoks as well. He doesn't tell me about these messages, I've only seen them because I've snooped. Now I'm more paranoid as he's deleted the tiktok messages altogether but not the WhatsApps. I was devastated the other night in tears and said I found it all very disrespectful and he wouldn't like it, if the shoe was on the other foot.

There's never anything suggestive between then, but it's just all the time and I've even told him I don't like it and he's still chatting to her. I snooped last night and she randomly sent him a pic message about her car, because she's had a crash, I just think it's all attention seeking, but my husband is totally playing into it! It's really affecting my confidence and self esteem and I'm already struggling as I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I e also had a quick look today and there's been a conversation since last night but I was unable to read it fully because he hadn't opened the WhatsApp message so must be replying from the drop down menu, if that makes sense!

Any thoughts? Oh, I havent said that I know about their messages as im biding my time, for what I'm not too sure!

I'm not sure how to go about this!

Thanks
KAM

If these are just friendly messages OP then kindly I’m not sure what the problem is? I know my friends and I do text pretty constantly, we send each other tiktoks, photos etc. So do my husband and his friends. If that’s all it is then I’m not sure you can tell him that he’s not allowed to have a friend? X

Does he show you and let you read the messages from her? If you have voiced your concerns and told him your insecure with the relationship and he doesn't want to stop the contact with her to make you feel better this is a major red flag as his "cosy chats" with her are obviously more important than your feelings. What do you want OP ? If there are no consequences for him and he knows this (ie your not going to leave him) and he continues to disrespect you - what would you tell your BF to do?

The issue is, I've never met this friend and its constant messaging just to her, none of his other female colleagues. Plus, I know the other female colleagues, we all socialise together but there's just something off about this one. Believe it or not I'm not the jealous type but I do draw a line when he disrespect me and doesn't tell me whe they're messaging!

No, he doesn't show or tell me. I'm not sure what to do, hence the post. I obviously don't want to end things but I need to lay it out on the line and ask him to respect me or the trust between us is going to break and it'll be hard to fix!

I remember your other thread OP.
You said then you were frightened this wasgoing to turn into an emotional affair. That your DH had an emotional affair previously and he tends to get over invested in relationships.
You said then you were pregnant. A time when your DH should be giving you all his attention and support instead of spending so much time messaging another woman. One who he spends his working day with anyway. You are supposed to be his wife and his primary relationship should be with you.Their contact is not appropriate for a married man.
You really need to tell him how much this is affecting you. You need to ask him to draw back from his relationship with this woman. If he refuses to do that then at leasr you will know whether you are his priority or she is. And can make your decisions on your future based on that.

It's not on at all. Shame the first response is from a pickme.

Seems to be a fresh post every day on here with a DH texting a work/uni strumpet.

I wouldn't be having this and I wholeheartedly agree that it is unacceptable behaviour.

I think at least one of them is interested in the other. I message male colleagues now and again but not frequently. She's messaging him several times a day, sounds a bit obsessive and you're right to be annoyed. The same happened in my last relationship, his female colleague (several ranks up the ladder from him) would send him music videos and memes all day long and into the evenings. Debatable about how innocent their intentions were but the frequency is dubious.

You certainly are not a bunny boiler because you don't want your husband having an emotional affair with someone else......because that's what it is or would turn in to. Tell him that his secretive messages are breaking your trust and at a time when you are carrying his child it's out of order. Or if you could find yourself a man to start secretive texting with try that see how he feels about that ....

Looking at these messages is not doing you any good. He's going to get messages. Stop looking at them.

Do you think he's going to cheat? Give him enough rope and he will hang himself.

If he's cheating you will know, and you won't need to see any messages. You'll just feel it in your gut.
Let him be.

You're not a bunny boiler or controlling. He has a responsibility to you and your unborn child - he needs to be doing something more constructive with his time. You need to explain to him how this makes you feel and that you are worried for your relationship.

Yeah been there. If he acts dismissive and deletes stuff I’m sorry it’s not good. You are pregnant too even if it is over the top and they and genuinely mates with no attraction he should respect your wishes and dial it back.

my ex just deleted and hide stuff put it on me and a few years later left out of the blue and is now with her. I wasted two years of my life being on edge and being made to sound controlling when I just didn’t want him secretly msging a women I’ve never met late into the night and very early morning.

That’s rude; it’s not a crime to have a different opinion.

He’s investing time into a friendship when he could be spending it with you.
silly TikTok’s etc exist in the virtual world and he’s letting them consume his focus and energy which he could be spending in person with his pregnant wife.
the problem could be a few things or a combination:
a phone addiction
a rush he gets (dopamine hit) when receiving attention from someone
a fantasy that would only exist in his head before mobile phones
a reaction to impending fatherhood where he’s trying to escape or regulate his feelings

he needs to re-focus his attention and realise it’s not acceptable. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

if you’re ordinarily not jealous then listen to your gut feeling.

Keeping it brief as possible as deeper points could be identifying but I've been in a similar boat before..

Female friend.. partner at the time knew her before we met, me not the jealous type so accepted the friendship, eventually met the friend after they were messaging similar to what you describe we became friends even though I still had my reservations that something was 'off' but actually quite liked this girl as a person and we became 'friends '. Fast forward a few months minor fall out and so many years later randomly rocks up at my door when there was a rough time going on again I felt something was 'off' partner at the time goes to this person's house due to a bad time their having while I stay home.. Long story short next they were fucking one another... Sorry to be blunt but it clearly progressed to this and I wish I'd of listened to my gut instinct at that time, I felt very gullible and naive and I was pretty young but still. My point is trust your instinct and set some boundaries out with your DH explain how its making you feel and that with the previous plus your pregnancy hormones its really beating you down.. Good luck OP I hope your story doesn't follow on as mine did x