How do you know when to end your relationship?

[TheDitherer]

Advice needed please and this is a long one - sorry. My oh and I have been together for 18 years, married for 11 and have a 7 yr old ds. For most of the latter part of the marriage I have been unhappy, we have been to Relate twice, most recently early last year. The problems stem from my oh's reluctance to take responsibility for anything, help out around the house and generally be a supportive partner. Our ds has seen us arguing on numerous occasions. We hit a sticky patch a couple of years ago when I wanted another baby and he refused point blank (we are both early 40s). We ended up going to Relate about it. We did end up getting on better, deciding to move house and then he owned up that he was £17K in debt with credit cards going back to before we were married. He begged me to stay with him and go through with the house sale (paying off his debt) and buying our 'dream home', promising he would change, this would be a new start and he would take responsibility for our finances (that sounds so ridiculous now, why would I trust him with our finances when he was in so much debt?!). Anyway, that was 15 months ago, we bought the house but he has never knuckled down and got on with the finances, or done much around the house. I nagged him to do the finances this week, and he has found out we are overdrawn by £1600, and still have bills to pay. This feels a bit like the last straw to me. I feel like I have given him so many chances over the years, and he has always disappointed me. I fantasis about having a strong man who will look after me and support me. A couple of weeks ago (before the latest finance fiasco) I decided I would find out whether I would be able to afford my own home etc, contacted my financial advisor and it turns out I could afford a decent home - I would have to work full-time (am part time now, also doing a part time degree). My main reaction to that was excitement - it would be my own house, I wouldn't have to pick up after him, I could have my own choice of furniture etc. So more and more I have seriously thought about asking him for a separation. I am very worried though about the effect it would have on our son (who would live with me), about whether I could actually afford to do it and also feel scared about actually verbalising my feelings to my oh, as well as hurting his feelings. Four days ago I was convinced I should ask him to leave, now I'm not so sure. I have exams in May and we have a week away booked at the end of May, but I don't know if I can play happy families until after then , and I don't think it's fair on any of us. Plus, it's not a brilliant time to be selling a house (we would have to sell it, neither of us could afford it on our own). On top of this I think I am depressed (have been there before) and I am under a lot of stress at work which I have talked to my boss about. Also, for some reason he has started to be more considerate around the house, doing stuff I wish he had been doing all along, in the last couple of weeks or so. My mum was unhappy all her married life, I don't want to be the same. I am in my early 40's, pretty sad that I only had one child and wondering how long I can stay in an unhappy relationship. If it wasn't for ds we would have split up a long time ago.

I just don't know what to do, and can't understand why I am absolutely convinced one minute that we should end it, and then the next day not sure. Thing is, how do you know when it's time to end it? I am sure some of you will think 'talk to him' or 'go back to Relate' but I just don't feel I want to do that. How many times can you try to repair something before you finally admit its never going to work?

Any advice gratefully accepted. I can't log on here frequently as he will suspect (he's popped out for half an hour now) but I will log back in when I can. Thank you for reading this far.

This sounds oh so familiar. Have you got that gut feeling that separating is the best thing for you (I do think that in the long run it would be wants best for your child as well as what is more stable, a home for a child where both parents seem to dislike each other and there is no fun or happiness in the house, or having two separate houses where both parents are happy (not necessarily about the situation they find themselves in as its very sad) but where both parents are relieved and happier as there's no more conflict). As you say, how long can you try to repair something, ten years down the line? I personally think that life is too short to be completely miserable (do you find yourself stressed when he's at home and you are just plain grumpy). As your child is 7 I'm sure they pick up on this. Do you think they would like their happy mum back? The thing is no-one can tell you what to do, the decision has to be up to you and I know its a really hard one. Do you feel huge relief when you think, yes I'm going to do this and then when you decide no I can't do this, feel gutted that things are not going to change? Your position sounds exactly like mine and I separated two weeks ago (I know I've made the right one). Try and keep positive and whatever you decide I really hope it works out for you. Sorry went a bit made on the brackets!

mhit, thanks for your response, it's good to hear I'm not alone. Its strange really, sometimes I really think 'yes I have to go', other times I think well it's not so bad. He's not a bad person (not violent or anything), he's difficult to live with as he's lazy and doesn't keep his promises, but maybe I've just fallen out of love.

I am really worried about telling him, and ds - maybe I'm just chicken. I know there are lots of people out there in MUCH worse situations than me, yet here I am moaning and groaning but not doing anything. How did you know finally that that was it, it was time to separate?

I feel much the same way as you, Ditherer. Have been wavering back and forth for four years or more about whether to stay or go. Would absolutely hate to split up for what it would do to my two DDs - my parents split up when I was 12 and it had a really bad effect on me. But as someone said to me this week, if we hold it together until the kids are grown and then split up, they are just as devastated then. They look back and wonder if it was all a lie, if they can ever trust anything that looks OK again, that nothing is what it seems. And I do believe that marriage can be amazingly repaired (been looking at www.marriagebuilders.com) but just can't make my mind up if I want to go through all that effort for someone I don't like much. Presumably at the end of it maybe I would like him. Can't imagine it. So, sorry to be no help at all, but just to say that I am so much in the same boat as you. Hope someone else can shed some light.

sounds to me like you have grown up and he hasnt. Taking responsibility for family finances is one the the basic tenets of a functioing marriage. Maybe you have just fallen out love - there dosnt always have to be a reason

Hello again Ditherer - hope you're feeling a bit better talking to other people. It took me 2 years to decide to separate - it just got to a stage at Christmas when I just felt so depressed and couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I didn't love my partner any more and knew the feeling we used to have was not going to come back. I just had this gut feeling that separating was something I needed to do. It's the same with you, he wasn't a bad person; it would seem to be easier if he was violent, we just seemed to have no love (or respect it had got that bad) for each other, separating was the only answer. I agree with Blessthismess - to repair a marriage or partnership, you actually have to like the person! Do you still feel a spark? Can you look at him and genuinely feel something for him?

Have you considered making a list of the things you like about him? Don't include things like him being good with your DC because, while that's great and will hopefully mean he carries on being a good dad when/if you split, what you need to look for are the things about him that make you happy. If there's fuck all then it's time to go. He may not be violent but he does sound like a dreadful drain on your resources - some people just expect to be picked up after all their lives and won't change - partly because there is still enough propaganda about how women's lives are not complete without A Man that should you bin him, some other poor cow will be cooking and cleaning and servicing and paying his debts for him within six months.

If it's only the money thing I'd say it's not worth cutting loose and looking for a perfect and strong man to look after you - there aren't many of those around, and the 'strong' ones often have strong ideas that you wouldn't like!! Who knows, you might meet the one for you straight away, but if you are just fantasising about choosing the furniture (which I do understand ), then try getting on with stuff without relying on your husband, and see if you can take control of your life within your marriage before stepping outside it.

Thanks all, some good advice there. BTM and MHIT, no I don;t feel a spark. Can't face the thought of sex with him (last time was months ago). He is quite a lot overweight, and has started Weightwatchers again, losing weight really well so hopefully he will get more healthy as a result (he has high blood pressure) but not sure if it will make him attractive to me again. Like you, we have lost respect for each other. We're just not nice to each other. It feels like we are two people who share the same house, not two people in a relationship where each partner has a role to play and responsibilities.
Madamez, there would be little on the list that I like about him. If I were to do a list of what I don't like it would be a lot longer. Redadmiral, know what you mean about the furniture but it's not just that, it's about having the freedom to do it. I know it would be really hard - my sister was a single mum to 3 for years before finally finding happiness. I am not so naive to think I will meet the man of my dreams (probably doesn't exist) but there has to be something better than this, and I don't want to waste my life putting up with secondbest. As I said, my mum was unhappy all of her life and I can see the pattern repeating here. Good advice to get on with stuff, that is what I will try to do for now until it becomes clearer what my decision should be. I have suggested we go to the park today with ds (he grunted ok), this would be a major step forward as it usually just me and ds who go to the park!

Oh good luck with all this. I'm sure if you do leave it will be ok. It can be better I think to be on your own than with someone you can't stand, but if you (and perhaps he) are depressed and feel trapped within your cicumstances then you can blame each other for things that might be resolvable if you were feeling better.

My DP is very bad with money, which has led to me feeling very angry and resentful in the past, but I have become better at dealing with it, and he has improved once he got out of the hole he was in with debts. I can now see that he can't help it, as opposed to being deliberately irresponsible, IYSWIM.