Advice relationship

[Kors]

we have been seeing each other for 5 years in that time he has txt other woman behind my back and lied, he finished me to sleep with a ex she did not want him so he came back we sorted things (I did not know about that at the time ) he then left again he then slept with a bar maid again I didn’t no, I found out by a old phone of his after a year since then 2 years on I’m paronoid do not trust him he has always been a womanizer do they ever change ? He said he’s done with all that and wants to live a normal life but I don’t trust him he works a away quite a bit and after work I’ll call him but he gets short tempered but says he’s tired yet he does sometimes go out till 1/2am and turns phone off well he says it’s dead I have a bad feeling but he says he wouldn’t cheat but I have ovs dowts, he has a short temper and is nasty over the smallest of things could be taking a wrong turn in the car or something out of place, he’s recently put a camera on my house linked to his phone he says it’s security but it’s linked to only his phone and because I asked him y he doesn’t call me when he’s away he’s gone to the extreme of putting find my iPhone on both phones so I can see where he is I don’t want that and I feel he’s doing it to keep track of me it’s not for my benefit of seeing where he is he’s constantly asking where I am where I’ve gone, etc I now feel trapped and I’m suffering from extreme anxiety and feel desperate to get out he’s known to be violent and nasty and I feel stuck he’s tried taking over my house moving things trying to bin stuff I’ve had years saying it’s crap, but I don’t no how I’m going to get out of this mess if I ever will he’s so manipulating and turns everything and makes out I’m in the wrong like 2 years ago he only left because of me he didn’t he left to sleep with the ex and who ever else when it’ didn’t work he came to me I think I’m his safety net as I don’t cheat or really go out as I look after my kids but it the ex wanted him I’m sure he wouldn’t of been back they seem to want him for a night out sex then they are off they don’t want a relationship with him but I feel he’s worn me down to the point I’ve no life with out him I don’t depend on him for money or a car or a house it’s all mine and I’m independent in that respect but feel he’s stripped me down to nothing

I am really sorry that someone can have so much power over you.
He has told you who he really is over and over.
Why do we have to be bitten twenty times to learn or get shy instead of understanding that one bite is enough?

Love yourself as much as put your feelings and mental health first.
You cannot live in misery and let your beautiful self be made old and ugly by a man who is devaluing you.
We age faster when we are depressed.
Have a think of what you shall do and while at it, put yourself first ❤

Thank you it’s like I keep needing advice and I need advice to leave when I no I should it’s how I do it as he’s violent obsessed and very needy and a bully I feel stuck and I’ve read it’s like trama bonding every time he’s nasty then nice and lists off the things he’s got me or done for me and makes it out like he’s giving me the world

The good news is you're not financially dependent on him and have a house and car.

I would get an STD test as he's obviously been cheating on you throughout your relationship. I doubt he's taken your health into consideration.

He's very abusive. He's tracking you, filming you, is controlling and abusive. You need to finish the relationship. Next time he's away, I would pack up all his stuff, change the locks and let him know the relationship is over.

I'd tell him to collect his stuff and leave it outside for him to pick up. If he becomes aggressive or threatening then call the police. I would contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get advice and support.

I'd also do the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships and look into doing some counselling to regain your self esteem.

Yes thank you I’ve had that idea of when he’s away to end it and move the stuff out etc it’s just finding the right time to do this but it’s definitely the right thing to do I’ve made my mind up it’s just executing it I’ve ended it before but he’s so manipulating and pushy I’ve always gone back after cheating and physical assaults I don’t no why he’s very manipulative and controlling and somehow makes it all my fault

You have taken the first step by posting here.

Yes, he will continue to cheat.

He is now filming you in your own home and you have said he is violent.

Please contact Women’s Aid and talk to someone who can guide you on the best and safest way to cut him from your life for good.

www.womensaid.org.uk

I’ve ended it before but he’s so manipulating and pushy I’ve always gone back after cheating and physical assaults I don’t no why he’s very manipulative and controlling and somehow makes it all my fault

It's called trauma bonding and it makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Abuse erodes your sense of self and makes it easier to be gaslit. You're going back each time thinking he'll change but you have to remember that he won't.

He's never going to change OP and if he does, it will be because the abuse is getting worse. You have children in the middle of this so for their sakes and the sake of your mental health, you need to split up permanently.

In order to do it safely and with support, contact your local domestic abuse organisation and take it from there. You can do this OP.

Thank you yes I’m going to take the steps to get him out for good but need to do this while he’s working way and maybe contact police as a safety net I’ve ordered my own camera and and window latches and take his stuff elsewhere

Well done for taking some intelligent first steps to end this dreadful cycle you’ve got yourself into. Prepare yourself for his drama and tantrums but, you hold the power. You hold the key to the door that will open and free you from his bullying entrapment.
Come back to MN if the going gets tough so we can support you.
Let us know how things work out for you. Meanwhile, make sure you contact Women’s Aid.

A DV organisation will be able to advise but you may be able to get help regarding securing the house from the council. You could phone the housing department and make enquiries about the Sanctuary Scheme (it may be called something else in your area). They can fit locks and make the property safe.