DARVO

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Does the abuser usually know they are doing this? Is it part of a deliberate pattern of toxic abuse? Or do they lose reality? Trying to work out how to counter it.

You don’t counter it. You disengage.

I think there is no one answer to your question. I think for some people it may be an intentional manipulation tactic. For some though, they believe their own narrative so completely that it’s just part of them living how they see the world to be.

In my experience of it with my family, I think it’s a bit of both. They want to keep up the lie they’ve been telling. But they also literally cannot cope with the world being anything other than how they keep telling themselves it is. They believe they are the victims. That’s always been the story. They can’t see the world any other way and anyone who questions that is attacked or cut off. It’s a survival technique.

My ex definitely knew he was doing it.

Thank you. Too wiped out to reply individually. It is all encompassing. I cannot wrap my head around someone who abuses and then denies it and claims they are abused. I can literally be in an heap and then eventually say please stop x. Then get shouted at You stop x.

I truly believe mine believes everything he says/thinks. Like you, I don't understand it, but I no longer engage and luckily I'm out of it now

You'll exhaust yourself trying to analyse him, instead just accept that he's abusive. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft goes part way to explaining abusive behaviour so it might be worth reading that.

You need to disengage for the sake of your mental health. Stop arguing with him as there's no point. He's not going to change.

I have recorded it (I told him I would) but he refuses to listen.

I do disengage, but he continually bullies including in-front of DC. I will leave, but there are massively complicating factors.

I was also going to recommend The Lundy Bancroft book. I'm currently reading it for a second time and I've started highlighting parts. Abusers justify everything. I was in the police station the other week and the police answered my phone. The things he was saying were outright lies (saying I was on only fans, a lesbian, sleeping with "crackhead" etc). He knew he had an audience and was trying to justify his behaviour. In my confusion in the past, I've believed some of his justifications because he'd messed my head up so much. Once I was with my mum and he was in a state. He went upstairs scratched his chest until he was bleeding, came downstairs and said "look what she's done". My mum said she couldn't believe it when I started questioning whether I had done it!
Joke is, I left him 4 years ago and he was still controlling myself and the children without me realising. I moved away from him (the most dangerous time) which is how I ended up going to the police. Stay safe x

I say this gently, you need to ignore the complicating factors as nothing will be worse than living with what you're dealing with.
Also, from experience, if something bad does go off and you are asked why you didn't leave and you say something along the lines of finances, house, need help with a child with additional needs, don't want the embarrassment of social services etc, then don't be surprised that in some cruel twist of fate you will be blamed.

I made a police statement when he went ballistic and then after threats retracted it and blamed extenuating circumstances. He threatened so much including suicide and promised to change.

Have you spoken to a domestic abuse organisation? You might find it helpful to speak to someone and discuss his behaviour.

No, but I will. Thank you. Could never believe finding myself trapped in this situation.

Let him make the threats. He won’t go through with it

He will never stop. It is a waste of what energy you do have to try to understand or change it.

My ex is still doing it, nearly a decade after I finally escaped

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Many abusers threaten suicide but it’s a means to further control their target i.e you in this case. Do not be fooled either by his promises to change, this is who he is and he’s not going to change. He does this to you because he can.

Do not play back recordings to him , your safety is of paramount importance and you could get hurt if you do.

Honestly, he won't kill himself. The amount of years I spent worrying about that! When I moved away recently I had this awful feeling that something really bad was going to happen. I told my family I thought he was going to commit suicide. The day afterwards, he came after me and the children. It seemed somewhat ironic as to where my worry had been placed.

Your children are in turn being abused by him
because they are seeing you as their mum being abused. This is no legacy to leave them.

If you type domestic abuse help and your area, you'll find your local domestic abuse services. I would give them a ring for a chat.

Thank you - blamed by him, family or the authorities?

Day to day it is constant picking and nasty comments. Then huge explosions, sometimes violent. For everything from the bullying picking to the violent explosions there is DARVO. No reality. The cruelty is breathtaking.

In 2020 I was blamed by the authorities (social services and family courts) for not reporting the abuse and therefore, not protecting the children. I thought I was going to lose them at one stage.
This time around, I've reported most events. The police have been much better too. I reported him to social services for aggression towards our daughter. I reported him to the police last year for behaviour after he found out I went on a few dates with a man (despite him having some poor other woman pregnant). They wanted to charge him with stalking and harassment but stupidly, I dropped the charges then.
I'm not saying it to scare you, I just want you to be aware that although you're in the midst of a confusing nightmare, you do have responsibilities towards your children too. I'm happy that mine know now what is acceptable and what isn't within a relationship. I think the children see me as stronger now too.

I'd also recommend Pat Craven Living with the Dominator book. It's basically the Freedom Project. You could download these books suggested on to a Kindle so that he can't see what you are reading. They don't like you finding strength in people or outside services as they know that you could eventually leave.

Going back to your original question though, there's no point in trying to work out why they deny things or do the things they do. Even men in prison still think that they are right. They're deranged in my opinion. It's just best that you get yourself free and heal. My ex is currently remanded in prison. It's only been ten days and I can't tell you the peace of mind I've had. Not waking up to his abusive messages is a joy.

If you are worried about how your family will react, if it's a cultural thing for example, then I do think that you need to contact women's aid as soon as possible for some help. Abusers are great at keeping family and friends on side.

Thank you @twilightermummy Best wishes to you and your children for a much better future. Thank you again.

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No problem. All the best for you too. Feel free to PM me whenever you like, even if it's 6 months down the line. It's good to talk about it and I know that you must be feeling quite low and drained x

Dr Ramani on YouTube is really insightful and explains so much. Eventually you realise they are pathologically abnormal in every way so recording things, trying to prove things etc is futile. They will deny reality to the death. Your only option is to stop, to disengage, to leave. For the time being you can't do anything to make them see sense.
If you get away from this piece of shit then any necessary communication would need to be by using techniques such as grey rock or yellow rock method.

Dr Ramani gives advice on one video as to how to cope when you cannot leave.

I guarantee he won't change. Sounds a full blown narcissist/sociopath.