So long story short, I see my parents every weekend, I go there and help with the garden and have my own garden plot there because they live on a farm and there's a lot of space.
Their neighbours cat basically lives in the outbuilding and never goes back to his owners. My parents feed him. My dad has never liked animals and sometimes he's nice to the cat, sometimes he isn't.
When I was there a couple of weeks ago the cat came wandering into the house because it was a hot day and the door was open. He comes looking for me because whenever i'm there, I give him fuss and he follows me around while I'm doing things in the garden.
My dad was obviously in a bad mood and starts shouting at the cat to get out. I spoke up and told my dad to stop being so unkind to the cat because one minute he's getting fed, next he's getting shouted at and I don't agree with it. My dad argued back and I basically ended up telling him "f off, it's unacceptable that you are so unreasonable, the cat isn't doing any harm and you are constantly bullying him".
My dads argument is that it's not "their" cat. My argument is that the cat lives there and they feed it and that kindness costs nothing.
Anyway, I go outside and carry on with gardening and a couple of hours later I go to say goodbye. I went to hug my dad goodbye and he literally ignored me, he pretended to be asleep lying on the sofa and basically didn't acknowledge me while I was hugging him goodbye. When I realised what was going on I just told him "fine, you can carry on sulking" and I left.
I haven't been back since. It has upset me a lot. My mum is also very upset about it and has told my dad his behaviour was childish, but he maintains he won't be "sworn at in his own house".
I understand his point, but I refuse to back down as well because a) he's been a bully his entire life and b) I am not going to stand by and watch him do it to a small animal that is doing no harm to anyone.
This entire thing has brought back a lot of shit for me because my dad was massively abusive while I was growing up. He gave me a black eye when I was in school once, and he's done the same to my mum. I've had broken glass in my bed and although I see that swearing at him is wrong in "his own house" I also feel massive resent because what about all the shit he put me and my sister through when we were kids and had to live "under his roof".
It's been a year since I came out of an abusive relationship with my ex partner, and I feel as though I am simply not going to tolerate any of it anymore from men. My mindset is so firm that I feel like his rejection of me hugging him goodbye is grounds to basically never speak to him again. That rejection for me feels like it represents an entire life where I tried to be good enough for him after he used to call me stupid and useless on the way to school just because he was frustrated. He would even tell my mother that I was "not his daughter" within my earshot when I was about 9 years old.
I will never get an apology from him. If I go back there and try to make the peace he will not be humble about it, he will push the point home because he always has to be right, and I know that within 5 minutes of arriving i'll be getting back in the car and leaving again. I'd be happy to make peace if he was willing to not try to get the upper hand, but I just know what he's like, it's happened too many times before.
I don't know what to do because he won't contact me, he won't apologise, and I'll end up just never going back there, not even for Christmas.
Any suggestions? My mum has tried speaking to him and he's resolute that he won't be sworn at in his house and that he's not saying sorry. I feel like I've been saying sorry my entire life and at nearly 40 years old I am done apologising to bullying men who think that everyone has to cowtow to them just because they have always had their own way.