Things have improved but not sure it's enough

[rubyrosaa]

Hi I've posted before about my partner under an old account so you may recognise the back story. Long story but we have been rocky for a while and been thinking about leaving for the best part of 18 months. He is aware of how I've felt and has continually promised to change/ improve. Things were very bad last year which kick started me wanting to leave, he punched a wall on 2 occasions and was very critical/controlling when we got a dog together for months and it made me see him for what he was. He was also being financially abusive I think and telling me how to spend my money. Since I first tried to end it, he has improved a lot in terms of trying to feed things back in a better way, accepts he cannot control my finances and hasn't punched walls again. I've also made him aware of how important holidays and dates were to me as he would never want to go out and I said it would be nice if we could treat each other.

I don't know what it is but I still can't seem to trust that he has actually changed. There's been a few things like him saying he would treat me for dinner with his bonus which he then didn't do and wanted to stay in all month to save money, said we could go on holiday for my birthday which he then backtracked on and he's backtracked on other behaviours then blamed it on me doing XYZ to him (like been on my phone too much).

I am not saying I'm perfect and I know it must be hard to be aware of your partner having one foot out of the door. I really don't want to leave him but I feel he's not giving me a lot of choice when he makes me doubt his behaviour and makes it conditional on me behaving nicer to him. I feel stuck in limbo and can't make a decision either way as I feel he has changed but not sure if it's enough. Any advice on where I go from here?

He hasn't changed, he's just found alternative ways to manipulate you. Personally, I'd leave and find someone who isn't hard work.

I would just leave OP. I think once you’re genuinely at the point of considering leaving it is incredibly difficult to come back from that to a healthy loving relationship, it takes a lot of effort on both sides to make it work and it sounds like your situation just isn’t. Some things aren’t meant to last forever and that’s okay!

I think that's what I have been wondering is what he would have to do for me to get back to feeling happy in the relationship and getting rid of this underlying doubt and I'm not sure there is any way to go back.

I think once you’re at that stage there probably isn’t any going back really. Say he came home tonight and had booked a holiday for you two, would you suddenly be happy again? If he came home next Friday and said “get ready we’re going out for dinner, I’ve booked a table”, would that suddenly make everything okay? I suspect the answer would be no, those things might be the symptoms but they aren’t the actual problem.

I’d also be thinking down the line depending on age and your wishes obviously (assuming you don’t already share children) if you were to plan a baby, how would you feel about being financially dependent on this man during maternity leave? Given his outbursts of anger and behaviour around the dog, could you see yourself having children with this man and him being a good father? What do you want life to look like in 10 years time? Can you see him being part of it?

Are you married/ living together?

Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work.

Thanks you are right that those things probably wouldn't change anything, maybe in the short term they do but I agree that us not going out or on holidays much isn't the biggest issues, it's been the anger and control and I think I just constantly worry that he will go back to acting that way. All good questions and if I am honest he's not the sort of man I would want to have a child with as I don't feel he has the patience for a baby. Kids are not a deal-breaker for me but I guess it says a lot when you wouldn't want to have them with your partner. I think deep down I just can't get over the punching walls and constant criticism even though those things aren't happening now.

We live together but not married. I would like to get married but we have been together over 8 years and still aren't although he puts it down to the fact we are working on issues first. I agree our relationship is very hard work.

It’s fine to say “this isn’t the relationship for me”. For me personally, the violence in anger and control would be relationship ending, even once would be enough for me to walk away. I love my husband to bits, absolutely adore him, our family and our life together, but even if he did those things now I would leave him. Part of why I love my husband so much is because he loves me and shows me every day, he is calm and a good communicator, he is my rock and I trust him implicitly- if he started behaving like that, punching walls and controlling me, then that would fundamentally change our relationship and no matter what he did afterwards I’d always have the worry of that happening again in my mind which means we wouldn’t have that rock solid trust anymore.

He doesn't sound very nice. You would be better off without him

He hasn't changed, he's just found alternative ways to manipulate you.

This, this and this again. @Pugworld has nailed it.

I don't know what it is but I still can't seem to trust that he has actually changed.

Your subconscious is trying to protect you.

he's backtracked on other behaviours then blamed it on me

Yeah, your fault, what a surprise. There's always justification for their abuse.

makes it conditional on me behaving nicer to him

So you have to treat him like a king to receive basic human decency back? Fuck that.

I feel stuck in limbo and can't make a decision either way as I feel he has changed but not sure if it's enough.
even though those things aren't happening now

People often wait for a big blow up to leave, that would make the decision easier. Ending a relationship is hard at any time, when things are ticking along as normal, even if your normal is pretty fucking shit, there's not much incentive to change the status quo.

he's not the sort of man I would want to have a child with as I don't feel he has the patience for a baby

Treat yourself to the same boundaries

If you wouldn't want to divorce him, please don't marry him.

This message is really helpful thank you. I do feel like I'm waiting for the big blow up to leave and I kick myself for not leaving when things were actually really bad whereas now that things are just ticking along it feels easier to stay than cause all of the upheaval. Problem is that all those behaviours have ruined my trust for him. Good point about basic human decency too as I'm just asking for him to respect me and not be critical etc.

Last year he punched a wall twice and has shown himself to be critical, controlling and financially abusive. Those were your warning signs and you should have walked away then. No amount of dates and holidays could make up for the fact he has shown you he has a violent and controlling nature.
You admit you dont trust him so please walk away now. You've said yourself you wouldnt want a child with him so he is not your future. And please make sure you take the dog with you!

Yes you're right and I really do kick myself for not just having the strength to end things back then as now it seems like I'm doing it for no reason as he's "changed" but think he has shown me who he is for the long term