I can't afford to leave

[TooOldToBeCool]

I have been with my husband since I was an older teen, and I'm now in my mid 30s. He is now 40. After a tricky time growing up I have just stumbled through life, looking for security and simplicity, but really I've been complacent and stupid.

I have a young child who is my world. I don't want them to grow up seeing the relationship I have with their father and thinking it's normal. But I literally can not afford to leave. I work full time in what would seem like a professional job but really my wage is too low to live in the universally expensive area I grew up in. I'm trying to earn more but I've failed at that.

I've messed up, I've got myself stuck and I don't know what to do. I've no where to go and even living together there isn't enough money. We rent and have close to no savings (but not really any debt). I have no close friendships, and those I am friendly with me see me as someone who has it together. I don't think I can rely on my family.

I've totally failed my child. If it was just me I'd just leave and deal with whatever the consequences are. But I can't risk them being unsafe for even a second.

Can anyone see an obvious way out that I can't? I don't know what to do.

I am not in physical danger, nor is my child.

I would use a benefit calculator and see if you're entitled to anything.

I'd look outside the area and find somewhere cheaper. I'd also look into training or finding something that pays more.

I'd get a loan or try and borrow money from family to move.

I could have written this post. I’ve spent the last few years realising that I need to leave him for the sake of my kids (and me, and him too frankly) but there’s no way of being able to move round here. He wouldn’t be able to afford anything as he has no savings, and I have some, but it’s a drop in the ocean for what houses cost around here.

So I sympathise - it’s a tough realisation and ‘just move further out’ isn’t that simple when kids are at school and happy. He also doesn’t drive so that would complicate things further. Besides secretly yearning for a lottery win or something, I’ve consigned myself to investing in my own life. Trying to build up my own life - work, hobbies, try and keep up with old friends (none of whom live close) and make an effort with new friends (I am less good at this) so that I have some outlets and a support network (which I don’t really have). But that takes some effort after years of being ground down by every day being bookended by arguments and controlling behaviour.

If you’re still out there OP, I hear you. Hope you manage to find some way of getting through too.

I thought the same then got 1/3 wages, 1/3 UC and 1/3 maintenance. You need to speak to a solicitors and look at a benefits calculator, I was really surprised with my ending financially.

You are in your mid thirty’s and have job with some independence , you have some control.
Start putting money into your own account to one side to save for some else to live in a cheaper area.

Where there is a will there’s a way

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has really helped.

I feel like I'm on a similar path, trying to sort me out and make the best of the situation while planning for a different future. It's hard. I struggle the most with still feeling let down by his behaviour, even when it's never surprising. I wish I could be more numb to it.

Not everyone gets to have a good life I guess. And now it's up to me to make sure my child doesn't have to feel like that.

Would the father be willing to be the "resident parent" for a while, providing you with an opportunity to regroup and re-establish yourself? Retrain, work overtime, second job etc? If there's no abuse, and your child is safe, and it's simply a case of having fallen out of love, this might be a solution with a build to 50-50 parental responsibility once you've been able to lay some foundations while also being out of a miserable marriage?