Found out DH cheated in relationship before ours

[lulubelle6]

I’m after advice as I feel really hurt and confused and I’m not sure if I need to be told I have no right to feel like that.

been married 12 years and found out yesterday that DH cheated on his last girlfriend and turns out was in some complicated type relationship with a married woman when we got together.

he had just bought a house with ex girlfriend but had met married woman through work and although apparently nothing physical happened they were getting to close so he split up with his ex. 3 months later we got together. I found out after a few weeks of being together about the married woman as one night she was constantly texting him. I told him straight I wouldn’t put up with that but he said he wanted me and told me he cut contact with her even though they continued to work together for about 7 months.

he always made out his ex was awful and I actually felt sorry for him as he said she stopped paying the mortgage and then when they split the house she wanted a lot of money. Now I can bloody see why and I don’t blame her!

hand on heart if I had known he had cheated i wouldn’t have been with him. I found out my dad had an affair when I was a teenager and I kept it to myself which was awful.

how would you feel? Our relationship is ok it’s more like a friendship now if I’m honest. I think I’ve always wondered if he was with me because of age and all friends had settled down. He is not supportive when it comes to finances. He didn’t contribute at all to our wedding which had always played on my mind that he actually wanted it and when we had our DC I went back to work after 12 weeks as again he wouldn’t support me (I’m fiercely independent and I could juggle work and having my DC so no childcare costs)

not sure if I have the right to feel so hurt. Is it really once a cheat always a cheat?

He didn’t contribute at all to our wedding which had always played on my mind that he actually wanted it and when we had our DC I went back to work after 12 weeks as again he wouldn’t support me

His cheating in a previous relationship is the least of your worries.

I know! To be honest that’s a whole other thing and In a lot of ways it’s my fault as I’ve just let that happen and accept it

I think the past cheating is a red herring if he’s not given you reason to doubt him - people make stupid decisions when young and I don’t believe in once a cheat always a cheat (although I do believe you should be more cautious if they’ve done it before just to check!)

But I think you should seriously consider if he’s the one for you for the behaviour he’s shown you during your relationship! He’s refused to support you after having your children and paid nothing for your wedding?! I would reconsider if this is the man you want forever….

had met married woman through work and although apparently nothing physical happened they were getting to close so he split up with his ex.

Did he tell you this? It’s very likely a lie and they were sleeping together. He’s told you this to minimise.

It doesn’t sound like you have much respect for him anyway, and now this information will kill it even further.

I love my DH to pieces and have every respect for him and I would be devastated at this information. I can’t imagine what it would do to an already poor marriage.

As much as I don't like marriages ending, especially when children are involved, to me he seems like he doesn't love you, you deserve to feel special, to feel wanted, the cheating bit, I've known people who have cheated once and that was it but knowing he has will always cause you doubt and it will cause a lot of trust issues.
I feel as you have come on here saying about how you could cope on your own, you have already decided what would be better for you and your child, everyone deserves to be happy amd it's something that should never stop.

His past has nothing to do with you.

I have been with my husband for 14 years.
He told me early on that there was a slight overlap with his 2 previous girlfriend.
I personally couldn't care less who he slept with before I met him.
As long as he has only slept with me since we have been together I don't care about previous relationships.
People can learn from their mistakes, grow and change.
There is a lot of things that I did in previously relationships when I was younger that I would never do now.

We all have a past, and sometimes, especially when we're younger, we make poor decisions. Unless he's given you cause to believe he's cheating on you, then I don't think his past should be held against him. People do make mistakes in life. I think you have bigger issues to be honest, and are perhaps unhappy and disappointed in your relationship. He didn't support you after the birth of your children and didn't contribute to your wedding. It sounds all rather one-sided on your part, and he's not really as invested in the relationship as you are.

I hate to admit it but I fooled around and cheated a bit in previous relationships when I was younger (never cheated anything more than a kiss though). I’ve also been cheated on when I was younger.
I would never cheat now that I am married and I don’t agree with the phrase once a cheat always a cheat. It’s a broad generalisation. People grow up and move on and change. It sounds like you have other issues going on in your relationship though.

You ask how we would feel in your position.

How anyone else would feel is irrelevant. Only you can decide what to do with you and your child's future. The answer lies with you.

You have made the sensible decision to maintain yourself financially. I think you already know what you are going to do.

Married 12years with a child together and it has 'grown' into a friendship and not a best friend from what you say.
The cheating bit is a red herring.
Can you see yourself living and sleeping another 12 years with a friend who sounds like he can take it or leave it?