Guilt after breaking up with my depressed ex

[lounellie]

Hey everyone,

I’m back looking for some advice from this lovely community. After my last post about my relationship with a depressed man, I’ve got a few more things on my mind.

So, I decided to break up with my boyfriend after thinking long and hard about what our future might look like given how serious his condition is. The advice I received from Mumsnet was instrumental in helping me clear my thoughts. It’s been just over a month since the breakup. We still talk at work because we’re in the same organization, but we haven’t been in touch outside of that. Honestly, my mental health and energy have bounced back to where they used to be, which really highlights how draining that relationship was for me.

The thing is, when we do talk at work, I can tell he’s not doing well. He’s been online at crazy hours, which makes me think he’s not sticking to his doctor’s recommended sleep routine. He looks miserable, and I’ve noticed side effects from his meds, like his eyes twitching. Sometimes, I even wonder if he’s exaggerating the symptoms when he interacts with me to get my attention, though I can’t say for sure.

Now I’m feeling guilty about stepping back. I know he needs support, but I also know I couldn’t give him what he needed without getting sucked into that dark place with him. So, I’m stuck wondering—should I be doing more to support him as a friend or colleague?

Am I being selfish for not helping more? Is there a way to be there for an ex who’s dealing with chronic depression while still protecting my own mental health? Should I just ignore this guilt, or is it a sign that I’m not doing enough?

Thanks so much for any advice you can share!

I have bipolar disorder so am well versed in depression. IMO stay away. You even being a 'friend' can lead him to thinking there's more to the relationship. You've ended the relationship and it needs to stay like this for both of your mental health.

Where have you got the idea that he is your responsibility? You have learned that somewhere... is it similar to your early years, where a parent or sibling needed taking care of, and you couldn't leave because you were a kid?

Unless you are a trained psychologist(*) then you are really not the best person to be helping him with this. The support he needs is not anything you can realistically provide because your relationship with him will muddy the waters too much.

For your own sake, and for both professional and personal reasons, step back. If you're seriously worried about him then it might be worth considering reporting your concerns to HR but that depends on how your employer considers relationships between employees.

(*) If you are a trained psychologist then you'll already know that providing therapy to someone with whom you've had a relationship is a really bad idea.

So you suspect he's exaggerating his symptoms for you and you are feeling guilty? You should be feeling relieved that you made the right decision. You are not his personal crutch, don't let him drag you back in. It sounds like that's what he's trying to do.

Of course I can't know for sure, but he can be quite childish in some ways and puts me in a parent-type role (one of the reasons why I ended things). I don't think he does that consciously, but the dynamic is there sometimes.

So sometimes I wonder if he over exaggerates these symptoms to get my attention, like a child would do with a parent.

I definitely have co-dependent tendencies myself, which is why I broke things off as the dynamic just wasn't healthy for anyone involved. I am aware of my own struggles and working with a therapist to build better boundaries.

His responsibility to himself is to get treatment, engage with it and have some quality of life.

It's not your job to save him if he can't do it himself. Put some distance between you so he can't confuse any messages.

OP, read all the above advice repeatedly.
You are not his fixer.
You are not responsible.
He is not a project for you to fix.

You were so courageous in stepping away to save yourself, you can already see the benefits.

Don't undo it.
Be positive when you meet him.
Wish him well, BUT do NOT get involved.

This is a job for the professionals and you being involved will hinder not help his recovery, if he is committed to it.

Do not distract him from his recovery by giving him ANY false hope.

Keep posting any time you need to.

Sounds like you are still one of his sources of support and you are already doing as much as you reasonably can. He might have to hit rock bottom to get back up again.

OP it's like you know it in your head, but your emotions haven't caught up yet. Keep coming back here and reading people's responses, and keep talking to the therapist.
Distance yourself as much as you can from your ex - the less you have to do with him the less he can try and pull you back in.
I know it's difficult when you work in the same place but try not to react to him in anything other than superficial ways. Close down any attempts to draw you into personal conversations, beyond hi how are you, fine thanks, got to go now, see you. Practise a professional smile, like a receptionist or cabin crew, and stay behind it. Good luck.

You've had good advice here.

Just keep repeating tp yourself.

Not my problem.
Not my responsibility.

Because it really, really isn't.

Don't have the conversations with him. If he persists or they're difficult to avoid because you have to wrok closely, you need to grey rock him.

"That sounds tough. OK, have you had a chance to look at..?" And bring it back to work every time.

Don't offer him support or advice. Don't get drawn into being his sounding board. Don't let him 'trauma dump'

"That sounds tough. I can't talk now though."

Take control.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I think I need to drill into my head that he is not my responsibility and that he is a grown adult who needs to learn to look after himself.

The truth is that when someone is severely depressed no one can offer the support they crave, certainly not a close friend or loved one. They need professional intervention.

You do need to keep firm boundaries or you will get sucked in again by the demands of the illness. It's not his fault but it's also not your responsibility.

The best you can do is to keep an eye from a distance and encourage him to go back to the GP/psych team if you think he is not getting the medical help he needs, as you would with any person whose health is not being correctly treated.

It might be wise to stop focussing on how you relate to him, and work out how you relate to yourself. Feeling responsible for him meets a need in you; this really isn't about him, or 'you and him'. The trouble you're having now is about you. Drilling things into your head doesn't really work, this is deep seated stuff, and you can't talk yourself out of it. But looking at 'Why do I feel this way' rather than 'How do I stop myself feeling this way' might be a more fruitful approach.