I am so lonely

[HMD1985]

I am so desperately lonely and I have no idea what to do.

I got divorced two years ago and have been lightly dating for the past year.

I have a 7 year old son and his dad has nothing to do with him. My Mum is my only source of childcare which comes with the stigma of a 38 year old having to "ask to go out"

I have no friends, I work from home doing 2 jobs so rarely see people.

My dating experience has been terrible. I take things slowly, I am very honest about my son from the start and I find that men seem to want commitment to start with and then it all falls apart. I don't know what I a doing wrong.

I just don't have anyone to spend time with. I love my son don't get me wrong but I loathe my own company. I hate spending time lonely on my own and it is really affecting me.

My job is amazing and my son is too, but I am just sat here wondering why I am not enough, why no one wants to be friends with me or spend time with me.

Writing this sounds pathetic but I am just at a loss and have zero self worth and hate the person I am.

This thread has some good suggestions, although the situation is slightly different:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5145057-if-youre-single-and-childless-what-do-you-do-at-the-weekend?reply=137660791

This is why I can’t live on my own and work,from home full time, it’s so socially isolating! Do you have any option to go in an office or use a shared working space? Even getting out of the house you see other people, pass the time of day etc which makes a big difference even if it’s not socialising as such. Does your DS have any close friends you could suggest doing activities with their might as well, particularly during the summer holidays? Or does he do any clubs or activities where you could use that time to go an exercise class or similar? Any responsible teenagers in the neighbourhood who could babysit occasionally?

What about reading, "Women who love too much".
If you are too open and giving it will bite you and you will attract the wrong type.

Could you look at changing job, or working towards that?
Could you get live in childcare like an au pair? ....so you could get out more easily.
Have you a spare room for a lodger that would give childcare in exchange for a lower rate.
My friends sister lives near a university and rented out a room to a student.
Once she established she was a lovely young woman, she got into a loose childcare arrangement with her that worked well.
The thing is to be creative and think outside of the box.

I don't know what I a doing wrong

You're trying to start a relationship with someone else so that you can avoid yourself. You have to understand that if you don't want to be with you, then relationships won't go well either; it's up to you to be someone who you want to spend time with.

So, drop the dating. What do you want your life to look like? Want to be a musician? Go for long walks? Parachuting? Runner? Start a list of things that other people do, that make you think 'Wow, they're AMAZING!' You can start that right now; it's step 1, Project You. Once you've got a bunch of stuff on the list (they'll come thick and fast to start with, but keep making the list all your life), pick one, and start doing it. This is how you improve self esteem; it's not a mind trick, where you learn how to think differently about yourself. It's an ongoing task, that you do.

Gradually you will feel better. On the journey, you will meet friends (at running club/knitting group/gym/walking group etc)

There is no quick way out, but you might feel better if you start something right away; can you find an online course and sign up for it, right now, perhaps? Or join Meetup, and put some events on your calendar for the next week or two?

I am exactly the same OP! I have a 9yr old DC whose father suddenly walked away. No friends, only my mum who is my only childcare and I am so lonely I cry often. I don't know what I'd do without Mumsnet.

Feel free to PM me!

I don't think you understand the life of a lone parent.

Your post sounds great but OP won't be able to do any of that without childcare.

She won't be able to pop to the shop, go to the hairdresser or get a smear test let alone go parachuting.

OP I do understand. Online dating is horrible and will affect your self-esteem. The working from home will be making things a lot worse as PP said. You're basically living like you're in March 2020 lockdown.

I know it's little consolation but things will start to get easier as your DC gets older and more independent of you.

When I was feeling very lonely in the years following my divorce, I bought a used keyboard and started teaching myself to play piano. It was fun, interesting, and occupied my time. That helped me feel more positive and gradually as my children became more independent I made my way out into the world more, socialised more and I turned the corner.

It sounds like you are stuck for a couple of years due to childcare. Would you consider a sitter? Does your son have sleepovers yet?

What hobbies does your son have? Football, rugby?
A friend’s mum is always up and out- evenings and weekends, away on tours etc with her son’s hobby. She meets other mum’s and dad’s (she’s married so it’s all just friendships).

You're trying to start a relationship with someone else so that you can avoid yourself. You have to understand that if you don't want to be with you, then relationships won't go well either; it's up to you to be someone who you want to spend time with.

I don’t think this is entirely correct. Most people seek a relationship because they want a partner to share their lives with, it’s quite normal to want companionship, that’s how our society/species operates. and if you had to be well rounded and self sufficient before you could find a partner, then most of us would be single I suspect.

However the more there is going on in your life, the more chance you have of being happier, and mixing, and therefore more likely to meet someone, is true in my opinion.

And I do like a previous posters suggestion about getting involved in her son’s hobbies, not everyone wants to be a football mum but it might just open a few doors!

Would you consider your son doing something like Beavers or Woodcraft Folk, and then volunteer to help? I met a lot of people by volunteering. It took time but it ended up being a shared experience that made a good basis for friendship.

Hi there, I am same age and also have a son and have to ask my parents to go out!

My ideas are - putting him in a Saturday morning club like stage coach so you can do a hobby

Arranging reciprocal play date sleepovers with another one and some family so that you can go on dates/ socialize and they can have date nights

Trying to read or consume more adult literature so you have stuff to talk about that isn't child related

Joining gingerbread group or starting One locally to meet other single parents to do stuff with at the weekends

Also going to bed early if you can helps

Yes Stagecoach was a lifesaver. 3 hours to myself every Saturday

Thank you so much for all of your advice. It has helped knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this.

I can't change the jobs I do as they are jobs I really enjoy, it's just a shame they are both WFH so no contact with anyone other than via zooms.

I will definitely look into what I can do with my son to socialise- I never thought of that.

I will also look at ways to improve my self esteem and self worth. It's tough and online dating is absolutely horrendous and has ruined so much of the self worth i have had. I am normally the life and soul of the room and everyones cheerleader but I think I have got to a point where I feel so isolated, feel sick of the same 4 walls and feel like a teenager again asking for help with childcare and then explaining my plans/what I am doing. It also puts pressure on if it is a date as I then feel like I shouldn't be dating.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate it.

online dating is absolutely horrendous and has ruined so much of the self worth i have had.

I’ve heard several people say that OP, I think you should stop doing it for a while

What do you do on your lunch break? Could you go to the gym or fitness class in that time?

I disagree with your first paragraph too. It's totally normal to feel lonely if you don't have contract with other adults. Wanting some social outlet doesn't mean she's "avoiding herself".

OP, I think try to find a better balance, look for ways to get out more with or without your child, so that online dating isn't your only social contract - online dating can be weird and soul destroying, you need some more reliably positive social outlets too.

Also maybe consider speed dating? It's quite an efficient way to meet lots of single people at once.

Totally identify with this and the need for balance, and how easily it can become unhealthy and when to walk away when you're already overwhelmed and lonely.

I’m sorry you feel like this OP.

Can you go to a cafe with WiFi one day a week? There are always other people working there I find and some will chat.

I WFH for a large company. There are a few other workers based in my city and we work one day a week together in a cafe in town. We did this ourselves by chance finding we were all close by - all totally different areas of the company- and the group is growing. I also sometimes take myself to a business park restaurant /cafe/hangout space that you can sit in all day for free. There’s also a gym there with classes at lunchtime. It takes a while but you do start seeing the same faces and starting conversations etc.

Honestly for me OLD was crap. I would give it a swerve.

If you could find one evening class a week that you would love to do, would your mum look after DC for a few hours? Would other parents look after him if you agree to look after their DC another evening each week?

Could DC be persuaded to take up football or something that would mean you could chat to other parents while you wait?

It will get better but it’s horrible when you feel so crap and can’t see an end to it.

💐

Hi OP,

I am in the same situation as yourself, I WFH and solo parent. My ex has nothing to do with my DD. I've been on my own since my DD was born.

I bought my own place when my DD was two, and yes I did struggle with loneliness which is normal. However I slowly got used to it and now I love my own company. A big part of that was realising I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm the only person who can do that for myself.

I forced myself to make friends when my DD was a baby, I knew it was such an important part of my life as a single parent to have close friends. We are still very close now. But I worked at that. I started a buggy walk club when my DD was born and that's how I made my friends, plus new ones when she started school. But I had to put myself out there.

I'm not saying it's always easy, it isn't. I still get days when I feel a bit lonely. But the majority of the time I love my life and me and my DD have a wonderful relationship.

The key to happiness is most definitely finding it within yourself. I have hobbies such as gardening (yep sad but I love it) I read, I go walking in the countryside and make things to look forward to each week.

It takes time and self reflection to get to the stage I'm at but it starts with you 😊

Tomorrow get up and make a list of things you enjoy. Actively find clubs you can go to with your child and you will find like minded people. There isn't anything wrong with you, it's your mindset which needs to change.

X

Loneliness is tough OP 💐

Don't look for your life-partner right now.

Deal with loneliness first.

You don't want a crutch (you might settle for that right now ...but really, you want a man with other qualities!)

Focus on friendship and becoming the friend you would like to have. Make some room in your life for regular adult contacts and for things that remind you of the real you again.

Have some fun and do some good.

Have a look at Virtual WIs (Women's Institutes) - quite a few around the country and the WI is an amazing way to connect with other women. If you can't make an in person one, then virtual ones are a great alternative. And they're not all old women! I was president of ours in my 30s and when we moved online in the pandemic we did things like cookalongs, burleque chair dancing, calligraphy, singing...lots out there and they often have spin off subgroups like book clubs etc.

www.thewi.org.uk/join-and-support-us/become-a-wi-member/virtual-wis

You might enjoy your jobs, but the situation isn't great for your mental health or social life.

Maybe look for deskspace in an office hub one day a week, so you're with other people? You might hit it off with someone as a potential friend or date.

I think you would be better putting efforts into making friends than dating if it's a choice. Otherwise you may end up quite dependent on and vulnerable to any bloke you meet. It's also burdensome to be the sole social outlet for a partner.

I think you need to put some cash into getting a babysitter and having some sort of social life.

I agree with the suggestion to look at clubs for your child - sports clubs (football hockey etc) tend to be very sociable as they run at the weekend with lots of parents hanging about by the side, there are also opportunities to volunteer and get even more involved. Junior Parkrun also quite social.

If your DC is not at all keen on sport it is harder as other clubs tend not to involve the parents so much. But on the other hand as a pp said, other clubs which are more drop-off would give you time to go do something yourself.

Do you have any time during the week when your child is at school, might you be able to pop out to a regular gym class once a week. Some classes have the same people each week so could be a way to meet people, and at least it gets you out of the house.

School drop off and pick up? If you arrive a few minutes early and the gates aren’t open yet it can be a good time to strike up a chat.

What about socialising with school mums? On our class WhatsApp there will often be messages like
I might take James to the beach this weekend if anyone fancies meeting us there.

A group of us go to the pub every couple of months. I'd rather spend the nights I can get a babysitter with a group of women than some dickhead off Tinder.