Second Date

[Rosiecidar]

So first date was coffee. He has suggested a walk with my dog for the second date and I asked him to elaborate thinking he might say a drink in the park or lunch or well something but no just a walk in town towards a park...I have said that's something I might do with a friend. He has now said "what about a drink then" - it feels like hard work already. Shall I cut my losses, I suggested the place for the first date. He seems kind, hard working and decent but a bit unexciting, but I didn't want to write him off ..until he came back with this unexciting idea.

Walks are fine later into the dating phase where you can hold hands, have a picnic and when you are more comfortable but I think early on in dating there needs to be something distinct about it being a date = effort put in. I would let accept breadcrumbs as did that being married so no thanks to that!

This is exactly it.

I’m weird but I would love something like this. Grab a hot or cold drink and take a walk and chat. You can still have eye contact, I don’t always look straight ahead when chatting and walking. Plus there will be things you will see that you can chat about. Of course I wouldn’t want to do this all the time but for a first or second date I would be ok with it. And have actually done it 😂

Agree (minus the heels these days). The fun of dating is getting dressed up in outfits suitable for the occasion and using the chance to scrub uo.

It’s not about how much they spend at all - I prefer drinks to dinner dates and always offer my share of bill. It’s just nice to be sitting opposite someone in the warm chatting away. Going for a walk - not a date imo

Reading your updates , even low maintenance me would say 'what time do you take your dog out?' Isn't date territory. That's, shall I tag along on your walk? Which might be fine if you can't wait to just see each other abd any old excuse will do, but it's not a date.

See now, I'm not one for going out to restaurants etc and getting gussied up is my worst nightmare. A dog walk would be perfect jeans and wellies hair in a ponytail perfect. I guess you are just not compatible if he likes the outdoors and you like the indoors.

I would be well up for a dog walk as a date… if it was a rubbish date at least I would be getting some exercise!

You're forgetting that it's a numbers game for most men. Speaking as a man, (for context, I'm probably OK, toned, stable, not too bad looking), I could write 100 women and not get a single reply. Women get approached. You're probably going to get tens, if not hundreds of messages daily.

He is playing the odds. Chances are you're going to reject him regardless of whether he spends hundreds, or nothing. Why would he give random girls that amount of money, when a decent number might actually just be in it for free stuff.

Would you be offering to split out of curiosity, or would you expect him to pay?

There’s a widely held myth that women are bombarded with messages from suitable men on OLD. When in reality most of us get likes from men 20 years our senior, 5 inches shorter than us, who live 400 miles away, are looking for NSA etc. The actual volume of messages from decent matches is very low for most women and the ones that lead to dates is minimal.

Out of all of my numerous friends who are on OLD no one has had more than a handful of dates so multi dating isn’t an option anyway.

And yes many of us do pay our share - I always go alternate rounds on first dates

@SamW98

...but you're still getting interest. That's ten a day you can filter, rather than the hundred a day I'd be even hoping to get a single reply from.

Also, give short guys a chance! They're short, not monsters. 😜

I wouldn't be ok with that as a second date and I love dog walks. Walking date is ok for first date when you don't want to make too much effort without knowing if there is any attraction or potential. I've dated and been married to low effort, non-planners and it is tedious. People are showing their best selves early on so what is he showing you? A good date doesn't not need to be expensive. As PP said, I'd be wary of miserly tendencies too.

@C1N1C Speaking as a woman for context, I don't get hundreds of messages, maybe a few a week. If I set my filters wider then men 20 years older would approach me, a lot of men and I mean at least half are not looking for serious relationships. I am mid 50s,size 8 have a professional job and am a high earner. I don't want a man who plays the odds and actually makes wrong assumptions about the odds. One man told me, a 63 old who clearly looked after himself and that he messaged very few women because he had various non negotiables; no school age children, well groomed etc , professional, educated- basically in his same pool and had a number of first dates but was very careful regarding second dates. However, some men behave like kids in a sweetie shop.
In answer to your question which I doubt is asked purely out of interest...if I really like a guy I never offer to split a bill but if I know I am not going to see him again my card springs on to the table.
Your response is helpful because if it's a numbers game to a guy and I am made to feel like a number then it's an absolute firm no.

I think a dog walking date is a great idea! Me and my partner went for a dog walk on the beach for our second date!! It went soo well we stopped for chips and ice cream and the date lasted hours longer than the first date! Its the date I really got to know him properly!!

This is a matter of personal preference. I am curious as to why you are leaving all the planning to him. If you want something more exciting, why not suggest it? I have suggested movie, mini golf etc. as 2nd dates and it has always gone down well. My responsibility doesn't lessen just because I am a woman. I always offer to split the bill too, because I don't see why a man should always pay. In most cases, they do pay. If you feel that he is not upto your standards, then let him know politely that you aren't compatible and end it.

He might be only after one thing OP

your dog!

In answer to your question which I doubt is asked purely out of interest...if I really like a guy I never offer to split a bill

So if you really like a guy you expect him to pay every time?

I'm actually shocked at this thread, no wonder people despair at dating these days with some of the comments on here.

A nice dog walk in the park is perfect for a second date imo, pick up a coffee or a drink on the way. I'd much prefer that to being tied to a dinner that could potentially be hours, when I've only spent an hour and a half in this person's company prior and don't know how I feel about them yet. Gives an easy out if you're not feeling it.

I suppose you'd all expect for the date to pick up the tab as well ya?

That's you and someone who does that is compatible with you. I arranged the first date. I like men who take an initiative - that's my preference. I told him that I don't want to go on a dog walk by telling him that I am telling him about me - he has taken that on board and is arranging something.

Well it's far from perfect in my opinion and that's fine. Be shocked, but you will no doubt be shocked a lot if differing opinions are shocking to you. I am not low maintenance, I don't try nor pretend to be.

Hi OP that's good that you know what you want. From your first post you have identified there's a fundamental difference between you and the potential when it comes to dating dynamics so in essence you two are not going to be compatible in the long run.

I hope you're not suggesting that walking dates is directly linked to a woman being of 'low maintenance'?

@Rosiecidar no, you sound far from low maintenance but at least you own it and are giving him an early indication of what he's in for if he continues to date you.

To be honest, I wouldn't consider myself low maintenance either, but in the very early days of dating I prefer something far more casual to establish whether I actually like the person or not before either of us invest too much time, effort or money.

How very odd. What’s your dress size got to do with it?

To be honest theres a lot of fucking judgement on here. Posters suggesting binning him off because he 'sounds' skint - reeks of money grabbing. There are plenty of guys who struggle making ends meet but are decent human beings.

A walking date would be great for me. Proper hike somewhere nice in the hills/walking trails just in nature and a backpack with some food, flask and a blanket.

Not every date needs to be expensive or drinks or extravagant. Many of the best dates I've been on are low key 'hanging out' types of dates.

I would love a dog walk for a date, much less pressure than going for dinner. I disagree that this suggestion means he is tight or isn't prepared to make any effort. Sure, look out for those things, but give the guy a chance in the early stages. Or, if you just want to be wined and dined, don't waste any more of his time.

'Low maintenance' is such a loaded phrase.

It doesn't neccessarily mean low self respect, boundaries or accepting crumbs. To me it just just means not expecting someone to jump through hoops to prove their worthiness and (to quote a silly MN phrase) doing the pick me dance. To me their viability as a potential partner would come from compatability, values, goals, interests - those are learned through spending time with someone.

We all have our own preferences. If you expect to be taken out, paid for, charmed, then you're right, OP, this one probably isn't for you. You're probably just very different people.