Hello, I feel I need someone to give me a crystal ball and work out what to do with my life... so I end up here 
Bit of background.
Married for almost 8 years. Together for 12/13 years.
2 children - 1 with additional needs.
DH isn't great at communicating. My mental health hasn't been great since our last child was born 3 years ago but I got help so I wasn't as bad.
I found out my DH had been mounting up debt around 20 months ago. Things weren't adding up, his post was going missing, phone calls to the house asking for him and I questioned some things with he lied about to my face. Ended up going through his work bag and found loads of letters, all for debt mounting up to around £30k.
When I confronted him, he said he had taken a loan out but couldn't afford to repay it, then took more and more and credit cards etc. what was £4K ended up being over £30k. I was devastated, I have worked through everything with him. Always stood by him. I wanted us to sit and go through it all, I asked for statements.
He never sat down with me, I never saw statements and I had to chase for updates on how he was getting on sorting out payment plans etc. He tried to go through Step Change but no idea why, it didn't work out and he says he's paying things back individually and sorted it himself. All his wages went into the joint account so I could see what was being paid except some things, like his debt. Which was paid from his account.
My trust and feelings changed as time went on, no extra effort was made by him. For a few months at the end of last year and into this year. He was even more distant, never spoke, not helpful even when I asked and always on his phone. I've never been able to be near his phone, assumed he was playing games.
In March, he was very unwell with his chest and improved but ended up going to hospital. While he was there, I heard a vibration - it was his watch, a message came through from a woman who I had not heard of before. Only a questions asking if she was making things worse... thought it was odd. Looked through his watch and saw a text to an escort arranging a time and date but the messages had no address and indicate he didn't go.
I confronted him the next day. He told me the woman was someone from work, they just message each other and they're friends and he talks to her about how unhappy he is in our marriage etc. That they have had a kiss on a work night out and he also slept with someone else (apparently not the woman from work). It was a one night stand with a random stranger. The escort he looked at but never did anything....
I ended it.. he lived in the house until May and moved out end of May. Since he left I feel happier, more relaxed and can control money etc.
My children are young and of course we're very upset but have handled things better than I imagined.
DH says he wants to try and work things out, says he misses and loves me, wants us to be together again.
I feel I don't want to have a failed marriage, for my children to have a family unit and us all be together. I also feel partly to blame as I'm not a barrel of laughs anymore.
But I also don't want to be in a miserable marriage. I have no trust at all, can it even come back? Don't miss him, have any urge to sleep with him or anything. Not sure if I even love him anymore.
I know I will likely be alone with my child having such high needs but the break from the children is also a huge help (when he has them at his).
Feel so stuck and guilty.
Sorry it's long!!