Mentally preparing to leave

[Dollarydoos]

Feel a bit sick even writing this. Hoping I'll never need this thread.

I gave my husband an ultimatum this morning, and ultimately I don't think he's going to be able to live up to it. I desperately don't want to split up our family but I've decided I can't continue like this. Its just not behaviour I'm willing to put up with. So he's on his final warning and now I would like to start thinking about what comes next so I'm ready if it comes to it. I don't feel the need to go into the details of the how and why we got here, what matters is what happens next.

We have two young children. From next September they'll both be in school but right now one is preschool age. DH has a very highly paid job, I work part time and mainly look after the kids. We jointly own our home. Financially he could easily live here without me, I couldn't in the slightest. The current plan is that I would go back to work FT when both kids are in school which would give me more financial freedom.

Anyone have experience here? I'm assuming start saving up as the main thing is going to be money. Have no family nearby, no bolt holes. Really rather trapped tbh.

Time is good as you can use it to get as much of his financial information together as you can eg savings, pensions, mortgage statements, payslips.

Equity is likely to be 60/40 to you.

Think about custody arrangements.

Start researching possible future properties.

Depends if you are in danger from abuse or if you have time to get some savings to move out. Well done on standing up for yourself

A " final warning" sounds strange in a supposedly loving relationship. I think you know you ARE going to need this thread, sadly.
Use the time to get all paperwork sorted out, yours, his and joint- take copies if necessary, keep it all together safely with your passport and the children's.
Paperwork as in bank account details, savings policies, loans, pensions, mortgage etc.
If you think he may "kick off" it could also be worth packing an emergency bag for you and the children in case you have to leave in a hurry.

Good luck, and keep checking in. Many of us have been there

Thank you. I'm preparing because it feels likely given that there have been prior warnings, but that doesn't mean I can't still hope he heeds this one. I've previously said things like 'I don't like this behaviour/it makes me uncomfortable'. This is the first time I've said 'If this is how you choose to live then that's up to you but I choose not to be here'. It's a much weightier message. I don't say statements I have no intention of following through on. So now I've said it I feel like I need to be ready to stick to it.

I do think it's possible to love someone and not like certain behaviours, and ultimately to decide that the dislike of those behaviours means that regardless of love and affection the relationship is no longer viable. We're not in danger, there's no abuse, I can't imagine him ever kicking off but the situation is still one that doesn't work for me and something I don't want normalised for our children through me accepting and enabling it.

Pretty much everything is digital so this could be tricky. Good to have time to consider options and gather stuff together. Thanks for the sage advice!

Thank you for the explanation. I do understand, and you want to keep the person you love but without the ‘certain behaviours’ but sadly, adults rarely change, even if they really want to.
I spent over 13 years believing that if I loved him enough he would be the lovely, charming man I met ALL the time instead of when it suited him. Eventually I realised he wasn’t ever going to change and I cut my losses. Much happier on my own, without the uncertainty!

That must have been really hard, and you must have had such strength. I'm glad it's worked out.

I watched my mum offer chance after chance for years. The behaviour she was dealing with was different but the resulting unhappiness, distrust, uncertainty etc are the same. I refuse to spend my life like that, it's just not what I want for me.

Sorry to hear this op, if it’s something you absolutely cannot live with but he can’t not do, that’s so sad, especially if you both love each other and are an otherwise happy family. Hope everything works out for you x

No experience here but wanted to say well done sticking up for yourself, and I hope your ultimatum works or you're strong enough to follow through.

My mum was with an addict for most of my teens. He didn't get violent or abusive or anything. He wasn't even that duplicitous about it. He also had a decent enough income to be able to afford his habits. But it affected their relationship in several ways, and ultimately after years of her saying she didn't like it, him promising to be better etc, she left him and was much better for it. It was hard, but worth it for her in the end. Like you say, it's up to them how they live but it's up to you what you put up with and pay witness to. Not that I know your situation, but it sounds similar if it isn't abuse/is something he is doing to himself that you don't want to watch.

I honestly just have no idea how this is going to work. What we have jointly in savings doesn't even cover a month of childcare, mortgage, bills, food etc. Individually we have an absolute pittance. Renting costs in my area are astronomical, if you can even get anywhere as they're snapped up in moments. We've been considering a move out of the city due to the costs of things, but then my expected income would also adjust accordingly.

What a headache. Kudos to all those who have made this leap. It's bloody daunting even just considering it.