Toxic family member - wanting to go low contact but feel guilty?

[Flowerlamp1]

Has anyone got experience tips for going low contact, particularly when you feel sorry for the toxic person (eg. They’re lonely etc).

Any helpful strategies?

I’ve tried to be more distant, reply slower to messages, not initiate meeting up, telling less about my life etc.

But I find it hard to respond when they ask to meet or do something. Feel intense guilt about not wanting to, and how they’ll feel, but equally know it causes me so much stress.

Is it better to make excuses/lie or be totally honest?

Already dreading Christmas and arranging who to see and where 😩

I'm in a similar situation myself and honestly it hasn't been easy.

The person in question for me is my mum. Our relationship has deteriorated rapidly over the last number of years (she's an alcoholic).

In my case I'm the instigator of plans, meeting up etc but I'll admit this is forced on my part as I dread her being drunk/drunk from the night before but like you I feel so sorry for her due to loneliness.

We end up arguing and I spend days and weeks going over things in my head that I could have done differently etc.

If I'm completely honest I think no contact would be best this 'purgatory' is ruining my mental health.

I hope someone else can come along with better advice.

@ImDuranDuran oh that sounds really hard 😫 it’s so difficult. I mainly don’t want to go NC because it could be awkward because of other family, but also just because I feel bad. Maybe this is catastrophising but I think what if they then feel so low they kill themselves, or something like that.
Bur then same as you, it’s really affecting my mental health. I’m having counselling which is helping, but it doesn’t magic away the stress if it all. And I find I can get some distance but then suddenly it becomes intense again? So hard to keep it low contact!

So now they are giving me the silent treatment, for some unknown reason. My counsellor has taught me not to try and mind read or guess what they’re thinking, just feign ignorance and ignore it. Previously this would have really upset me, but I’m just going to try and forget about it and make the most of the fact they aren’t talking to me! Seems like standard toxic behaviour though