Anyone else

[Clearwater18]

Change of name!
I've come to realise my constant concern for my extended families happiness, including my young adult children,is actually affecting my own happiness. I'm like this to the extent when I know everyone is in a good place that's when I relax and feel good about life. My DH thinks I'm like a sponge who soaks up everyone's emotions to the detriment of my own mental health. I know I need to stop this but growing up as the oldest sibling in a fairly large family I was always given more responsibility and that's just carried on, at least mentally. I'm the go to when anyone has problems and my own children are no exception. I admit I'm a natural helper but it's got to the point I feel guilty if I remove myself emotionally from whatever they are all experiencing. I know there will be people who will say your creating your own problem or not my circus not my monkey which I can understand but it's how to get to that point and not feel bad or guilty, or at least how to still maintain my helpful nature but stop worrying. I do work and have hobbies which distract me but this issue I bring on myself is never far from my mind. Does anyone relate and if so have you found coping mechanisms which help.

I totally relate. I have three adult DC and I still break my heart over them, just like I did when they were tiny. But equally, I have HUGE joy in them too, which I wouldn't have if I weren't so close to them. Despite having a very full, independent life of my own, I accept I won't ever separate myself from them emotionally so I'm making the best of the highs and dealing with the lows. My DF was the same as me in this.

HOWEVER, I don't really 'help' them as such beyond keeping a warm and safe home that they can come back to and enjoy whenever they like, a listening ear, and a willingness to buy them stuff if I think they need it (they never ask). Practically I do not help. They are competent and largely able adults who can run their own lives.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that you set up some precise and firm boundaries over what you will 'do' for your family, and also work very consciously on achieving a balance on the emotional side. A family member who brings you only problems and no joys should probably, unless they are truly incapable or vulnerable, be stepped away from.

Thanks cantabulous,I appreciate your reply. I am extremely proud of my children and my extended family who do very well in life in general although like everyone else they can all go through their own individul problems which ultimately they need to work through themselves too. I suppose we have to accept having a close family can be a joy that comes with a large degree of care and concern which has to be given boundaries. I doubt I will ever change my nature but your words make sense and I feel better about this already 😊

Although my kids are younger I do understand what you’re talking about - I always carried my ex’s unhappiness and discontent like a sack of potatoes. Unpicking it in therapy has helped hugely.