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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Complicated mother/daughter relationship

8 replies

Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 11:51

I’m not really sure what I want from this thread, maybe just to vent or see if anyone else understands.

My mother is late 60’s and moved away several years ago leaving myself and my sibling (both late teens) homeless. We both managed to get back on our feet and have made good lives for ourselves but my sibling is very difficult to maintain a relationship with. I suspect due to the impact of our childhood. They are also NC with parent - just for background. Our mother was/is an alcoholic. She has apparently stopped but she lives so far away, I have no way to know if this is true. I strongly suspect she is still drinking (and has done since my childhood).

Anyway, after my mother left to move in with a man she met two weeks prior, I was very angry for a very long time. Still am! I have always noticed that she is emotionally absent and any interactions we have feel disconnected and not very genuine, almost superficial. I think she has always been the same but now I am older I suppose I am more aware of it. I have finally gone almost no contact after she made a comment about my daughter who has not long been diagnosed with a neurodiversity and enough was enough. She seems to lack awareness about other people’s feelings and how she comes across. It always seems to be about her, how things affect her and how bad her life has been. She’s often said how lonely it was raising kids and being alone so that’s why she drinks.

I am struggling to understand what I am dealing with here. I’m constantly on edge and as she is aging I’ve began to fear her turning up on my doorstep for me to care for her. She has already told me prior to NC that this is what she thought would happen. She has also left herself vulnerable as she has no legal claim on her partners assets if he were to die or ask her to leave and would likely have to present as homeless.

In need of wise words and thank you for reading. Sorry it’s so long, but this is the short version. 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 19/08/2024 12:14

Your mother has made her own choices in life. The way you feel about her reflects the choices she has made about the way she wants to interact with you.

You do not have to support (practically or emotionally) her because you share DNA. If she turns up on your doorstep then send her away.

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 19/08/2024 12:26

You have no obligation to your DM. She sounds narcissistic (H G Tudor on YouTube is an interesting listen), and wouldn't be welcome if I was her DD. Look up FOG. Susan Forward can also be enlightening on Toxic parents. You need to look after yours and your DD. Your DM doesn't deserve your help.

Sicario · 19/08/2024 12:47

She was not a good mother to you. You and your sibling didn't deserve to be treated like that and then effectively abandoned as late teens.

I don't think we ever really recover from being raised by bad parents. This comes into sharper focus when we have children of our own. If we are decent parents, we feel incredulous that any parent could have acted as badly as your mother did.

Have you ever had counselling? If not, it might be worth a try as it can be very helpful in unpicking our feelings and understanding our own complicated emotions about what has happened to us.

Above all, you owe your mother absolutely nothing. What you are experiencing is probably FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). You can look it up and learn about it. It's a very powerful emotion that is often drilled into the children, particularly daughters, of bad parenting. Breaking free of this is essential.

Look after yourself. Learn about these toxic dynamics and do whatever you have to do to remove stress from your life as you enter this new phase of realisation.

Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 12:49

Thank you both

I’ve done a little bit of reading around FOG. I definitely have that! I’m a massive people pleaser as well and it’s taken me to well into my 40’s to realise that it’s all connected. I think her mask is dropping if that makes sense. It seems more obvious that something isn’t quite right now.

I’ve told her that me caring for her is not an option and I’m stood firm on that. My DH is amazing and has even said I can just say it’s his decision and blame him so I don’t have to deal with the fallout. I won’t do that to him. It is my decision and she will be told that. The scales tipped when she started on my child…

OP posts:
Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 12:51

Sicario · 19/08/2024 12:47

She was not a good mother to you. You and your sibling didn't deserve to be treated like that and then effectively abandoned as late teens.

I don't think we ever really recover from being raised by bad parents. This comes into sharper focus when we have children of our own. If we are decent parents, we feel incredulous that any parent could have acted as badly as your mother did.

Have you ever had counselling? If not, it might be worth a try as it can be very helpful in unpicking our feelings and understanding our own complicated emotions about what has happened to us.

Above all, you owe your mother absolutely nothing. What you are experiencing is probably FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). You can look it up and learn about it. It's a very powerful emotion that is often drilled into the children, particularly daughters, of bad parenting. Breaking free of this is essential.

Look after yourself. Learn about these toxic dynamics and do whatever you have to do to remove stress from your life as you enter this new phase of realisation.

This is exactly it!

OP posts:
Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 12:52

I’ve never had counselling. I know I should but I can’t quite bring myself to do it

OP posts:
bigethdicketh · 19/08/2024 15:16

Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 11:51

I’m not really sure what I want from this thread, maybe just to vent or see if anyone else understands.

My mother is late 60’s and moved away several years ago leaving myself and my sibling (both late teens) homeless. We both managed to get back on our feet and have made good lives for ourselves but my sibling is very difficult to maintain a relationship with. I suspect due to the impact of our childhood. They are also NC with parent - just for background. Our mother was/is an alcoholic. She has apparently stopped but she lives so far away, I have no way to know if this is true. I strongly suspect she is still drinking (and has done since my childhood).

Anyway, after my mother left to move in with a man she met two weeks prior, I was very angry for a very long time. Still am! I have always noticed that she is emotionally absent and any interactions we have feel disconnected and not very genuine, almost superficial. I think she has always been the same but now I am older I suppose I am more aware of it. I have finally gone almost no contact after she made a comment about my daughter who has not long been diagnosed with a neurodiversity and enough was enough. She seems to lack awareness about other people’s feelings and how she comes across. It always seems to be about her, how things affect her and how bad her life has been. She’s often said how lonely it was raising kids and being alone so that’s why she drinks.

I am struggling to understand what I am dealing with here. I’m constantly on edge and as she is aging I’ve began to fear her turning up on my doorstep for me to care for her. She has already told me prior to NC that this is what she thought would happen. She has also left herself vulnerable as she has no legal claim on her partners assets if he were to die or ask her to leave and would likely have to present as homeless.

In need of wise words and thank you for reading. Sorry it’s so long, but this is the short version. 🤦🏼‍♀️

just cut contact biliv mi it is thi bst dcision i did x

nozbottheblue · 19/08/2024 15:58

Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis · 19/08/2024 12:52

I’ve never had counselling. I know I should but I can’t quite bring myself to do it

If you find a counsellor that you get on well with it will do you a lot of good.
I liken the counseliing I had, to throwing a bag of tightly- packed feathers up in the air and letting them settle comfortably where they will.
A good counsellor lets you explore your thoughts, asking relevant questions to help.

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