How do I navigate the guilt trip?

[Sweetpeasandsnapdragons]

So as not to drip feed. Two weeks ago I challenged my DM when she deliberately hurt my feelings (she even admitted she had done so in the message that followed, but not in a ‘I’m sorry’ way, a passive aggressive way. This led to two weeks of silent treatment, including being ignored on my young DC’s birthday when she was invited into my home. My DF (after a (then) week of silence from him also) went to hug me goodbye, and for the first time in my life I refused. I said plainly “you’ve ignored me for a week” (I did nothing to warrant his silent treatment other than call out my DM). He responded with “you should left to behave then” in front of my DH.

Despite emotional agony I have stood my ground and tried my best to ignore what they are doing as this had been a long standard behaviour that began in my childhood. there have been no messages or calls from myself begging for them to talk to me, bending to their will, or apologising as I don’t feel I did anything wrong other than express my hurt.

As expected I have received the usual guilt tripping message which consisted of ‘me me me me - I am hurt, you did this, I would never deliberately hurt you” … this is so standard I could predict it coming. It’s always when she’s ready to end the silent treatment and when she feels I should apologise for the hurt I apparently caused.

I’m determined not to bend this time. For the sake of own mental health and the well-being of my little family who by proxy also pay the price of me falling apart when I’m being ignored.

has anybody else been in this situation and/or can offer some practical advice on how to navigate this?

Neither me or my d have any sort of relationship with my dps. They are divorced
. Since I was a baby.. Haven't seen df for 25 year and dm for 12. They aren't getting the opportunity to mess with my dc's heads.
No regrets.

It’s so hard, but you might need to cut them off. Do they bring anything but hurt to your life?
I cut my mum out for a year and then she apologised and we are sort of talking again, however I don’t trust her and we are distant. I told her that she is unkind to me and why would I want to listen to that? She went quiet for a while but now seems to have some understanding that if she is mean I will leave/hang up/distance myself.
I'm always surprised at how many of our parents are like this. I’m sorry, it’s horrible.

They can’t cope with you setting boundaries so will push harder, be strong!
”Boundary Boss” by Terri Cole is great, she has a podcast too. I know it’s bandied about, but this is narcissism.

The hard thing is that when this behaviour isn’t happening, I am close with my DM. Almost view her as a close friend - I share lots with her, feel like I can confide … then this happens and it turns my life upside down. It’s almost textbook her behaviour. I know what’s coming - I just don’t know when. I’ve been so upset this time around and determined not to abandon my morals. It absolutely kills me when this happens and I’m not prepared to fall apart every time, especially as I have small DC.

The guilt trip is scrambling my head and making me question myself. I have people around me IRL telling me not to relent, but it’s like I’m transported right back to being a child and apologising regardless whether I feel I’m in the wrong, just so things can go back to ‘normal’.

I can see so clearly this time around that I’m seeking validation EVERYWHERE because I am so confused and doubtful of my own experiences. My poor DH and friends are probably sick to death of me talking about it.

It’s hard. They’re lovely as long as you’re playing by their rules and never disagree with them. But the unpredictability is so bad for our mental health.
Maybe keep note of when it happens, it might be more predictable than you think, for example my mum is “triggered” if there is a big event, or if she feels attacked (that’s a hard one but I’ve realised she thinks everyone thinks she’s stupid 🤷‍♀️) or basically if anyone disagrees with her. I do think it’s borne out of her own trauma, but I also think as a grown woman she needs to work on herself.

Also I try not to get emotional and act like the grown up in the relationship, because they feed off the drama. Honestly look up narcissistic mothers, there are techniques! ❤️

I think there’s a bit of a breakdown in communication here. I can’t understand your DM ignoring you when it’s your DC’s birthday - did she come over and give you the cold shoulder, or ignore the occasion altogether? Whichever it was, you need to let her know why you’re cross with her. If she sent you a message saying, “You did this, I would never deliberately hurt you”, then let her know that she has hurt you, and why, and that you would not do that to your DC and you don’t expect her to do that to you. I really don’t understand any parent falling out like this with her children - you need to tell your mother, for example, how hurtful and belittling you found your father’s comment; that you are an adult and that you really don’t need to put up with this rubbish. If you did but know it, you absolutely have the whip hand - I don’t know any grandparents who don’t love their grandchildren and want to see them, so make it clear that if they do not stick to reasonable boundaries, it’s not just you who will be missing from their lives.