Anyone know or love someone with BPD?

[Hatethisheadofmine]

I am currently being assessed for Borderline personality disorder and as hard as it is for me living in this head of mine, I feel so sorry for friends and family and in particular, my wonderful husband who has to try and live day to day with a wife with mood swings that are more volatile than the British weather!

just wondering if anyone here knows or loves someone with BPD and, if so, how do you perceive and get on with said person?

Also people with ASD and ADHD are more at risk of developing personality disorders than NT people, maybe because they are also more at risk of very difficult or traumatic childhoods due to the ASD/ADHD.

My ex had BPD. Total Jekyll and Hyde character - charismatic and friendly one minute then violent, narcissistic, psychotic the next. Also an acute alcoholic and would regularly binge drink to oblivion - ending up in hospital after getting into fights with people, and if failing that self harm. Claimed that their BPD made them drink as a form of 'escape', but to me it seemed more like the alcohol causing the depressive mood swings.

Also a serial cheat, countless one night stands. When confronted, it was either my fault for checking up and catching them out, or it was all the fault of the personality disorder. Ultimately, I had to end the relationship for my own mental health (which I've never had a problem with before or since).

So I guess my advice would be to own your behaviour - just because you have a diagnosed MH condition, don't hide behind it or use it as an excuse to be a cunt. Be your best you.

Also, be very wary of the meds, many of the antidepressants that my ex was prescribed turned them into a zombie.

Sorry, I know all that sounds very negative, but that's just my experience of one person with BPD, and ultimately I think their morals and honesty and addictions were more of the problem. I do hate all the badges and pigeon holing that tends to happen these days in terms of personality disorders, don't think it necessarily helps.

I was going to say this too. I have two friends who were initially diagnosed with bpd. Later they were diagnosed with autism and the bpd diagnosis retracted.

I feel like I’m reading about myself here. This is exactly how I felt in a previous relationship.

I’m married now to a really wonderful man and for me, because my life was so chaotic I thought my mood was just moving in tandem with that however I noticed it still wasn’t stable even when my life was and is so that’s why I went to get help and am now awaiting final word on it. Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry you had to go through that

My brother has BPD (although agree completely with gamerchick re other things being more accurate - ADHD would probably be most appropriate). He's a very difficult person, always has been. The main thing I struggle with most in my interactions with him is that if he behaves badly he never takes responsibility, can't see my side, always thinks the world is against him. It's exhausting. I don't have much to do with him, my own MH is ok but he completely exhausts me and I feel rubbish when I've spent a while with him.

Yes. There are a range of mental health issues in my family. All I’ll say based on my experience is that the person with the BPD needs to own their diagnosis, treatment and medication. They have to go to their therapy. They have develop insight into their own behaviour.
I say this as someone who has caused destruction in my close relationships and experienced destruction and devastation because of parental BPD (no doubt a causal link). I will live with the consequences for my whole life.
You can’t control anyone else or demand that they subjugate themselves.
You can only control yourself. That means being the healthiest version of yourself that you can possibly be.

May I add as someone who has BPD I have never been violent, abusive or aggressive. Not all sufferers are.

My partner has BPD. It's been a long road to getting him stable but we are finally there and I'm glad I stuck it out and waited.

Are you aware of what triggers you OP? I think knowing this is one of the most important things when it comes to BPD.
I'm at work at the min but happy to chat when im free if you ever want to message me 🙂

Medication nothing. I work in mental health so over the years I’ve gained a good understanding of BPD and my own triggers etc. I think my learning I’m moving past it. I also lost my mum very suddenly (which I don’t suggest lol) which was so utterly painful that I tell myself if I can live through that I can live through losing someone else too.

I’ve had therapists on and off for years I do some skill work with a therapist at the moment. this is some things that helped me and I’ll post them below - let me know how you get on!

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=check+the+facts+dbt&mid=DDA4F40A30C01F556FA5DDA4F40A30C01F556FA5&FORM=VIRE

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=DBT+Interpersonal+Effectiveness+Skills+boundaries&&mid=739CF7CBC2468F4930FD739CF7CBC2468F4930FD&&FORM=VRDGAR.

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=dbt%20skills%20video%20distress&mid=m

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=dbt%20skills%20video%20distress&mid=BBAE97344158FE6EC58FBBAE97344158FE6EC58F&ajaxhist=0

look through the YouTube vids of what I’ve sent. Also google DBT therapy and you’ll get some resources. You’ll be okay. Knowing is half the problem solved. You’re not a bad person, BPD makes you do some stupid shit but makes you the most caring empathetic loving person too. It’s not a death sentence x

Thank you to those who've contributed. My young adult child has EUPD, ASD and ADHD. They have a history of self harm and over dosing. In the past 10 days they have been to A and E 4 times with self harm and once OD. Sometimes it almost feels like a game. They put it on Tiktok. The staff in A and E know them and said they don't have to be injured if they just want to come in. They can be fine for a few days and then I get a phone call, guess where I am mum? I try and stay calm. If anyone has any advice or insight I'd love to hear it. Thanks

Yes, someone I love dearly has BPD. Lots of us adore her but we all have to also have clear boundaries and breaks so that we can protect our own mental health (and theirs as otherwise us getting upset or needing distance could come across as rejection/abandonment)! It’s hard but I really do love them, the only reason I wish they didn’t have it is because I know they find life tough and it’s hard to see - not because I would love them any more if they didn’t have it iyswim!

They have done CBT, DBT and a few different medication but it’s still a journey as to what will help best.

@Worriedmum1975 Best advice I can give is look after yourself first, and keep your boundaries. Love her, but keep your own feet on the ground. I'm afraid that a certain degree of cool headed distance may be necessary.

Most of all if you can and if she will accept it, get her some Dialectic Behaviour Therapy with an experienced therapist.

Do you know why she developed it? (asking if you know, not asking you to say here). In the past the main causes were thought to be abuse, chronic instability or severe neglect, plus a genetic predisposition - "genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger". It certainly isn't always an issue in the parental home - unfortunately, it can sometimes happen that an adverse event that even the child themselves does not remember has effects later on.

The good news is (at least when this was something I had to deal with) that the prognosis is generally good as the person gets older, and very much so if they engage with treatment and -want- to get better. It's an extremely painful illness, so often people do. Having said that, my biological mother did not get better but with the background she'd had and then the disastrous marriage she had near to no chance. But I was told quite categorically that generally BPD/EUPD can often get better.

In short;

She can probably get better
Try to get her treatment.
Make sure, really make sure, that you do not burn out yourself.

Sometimes, and I say this with great compassion, no matter how much love you give her, it may not be enough. But it will be one of the positives in her life that can ground her, even if it doesn't feel like it when the storms are ripping all the good things in her life to shreds.

There will support groups out there for people who have someone with EUPD in their near family. Keep your head on straight - certainly when it was something I had to deal with, not all the professionals / support people were good - but some peer support can really help.

OP it sounds like you have insight and a strong wish to get better and really love and appreciate your partner. Those are really good signs. If you can get DBT and really work at it. Very best wishes - I wish my biological mother had had your wisdom.

Thank you @DucklingSwimmingInstructress ! She is due to start DBT next week through the NHS so fingers crossed.

There is a genetic risk through her birth family and the autism was not diagnosed until fairly recently as she has severe ADHD and that masked thr ASD probably.

She has so much potential but is very avoidant in that she she seems to fear success and failure! She also accuses people of things, sometimes quite serious things. She has always needed a lot of validation.

I take on board everything you've said.

Oh, she was adopted too?

Sigh. With all that, she has too much for any one person to handle :(

In the old days (when I was adopted) there was no help, support or awareness of the effects that adoption can have on a child. Was it better by the time you adopted her? If not, by chance I'm reading a good book now about it, Being Adopted by Brodzinsky, Schechter and Marantz. There's also the (slightly controversial) Adopter's Bible, The Primal Wound by Verrier. Given that your daughter has a number of diagnoses, I'd suggest reading the last one yourself before giving it to her. I found it excellent, although a bit over exaggerated in some places, but it identified elements of the effect of adoption that no one else had.

You must have had an enormous number of challenges over the years with the burdens she has to deal with. I hope you have good support and help @Worriedmum1975

Thank you. She was adopted as a baby. I'm adopted also. I read The Primal Wound years ago and like you say, some of it is stretching it a bit but I don't know the other book.

I just hope that in the future she can re-engage with education and/or work either paid or voluntary. She's intelligent but when she gets dysregulated she makes very poor choices.

At least she has you on her side. As I say, I do hope you have support too. Best wishes, WorriedMum