I’ve been married for 12 years, having been together for 17. I am thinking of leaving which has been there for a long time if I’m very honest. I don’t have any desire to have sex with my husband and if I’m really honest I’m not sure I ever really have. Things weren’t as bad in that department at the beginning but even then I’m not sure it was ever really there for me. We had sex once on our three week honeymoon. He would and did want it more but when we do have sex now I do it because I feel it’s been so long I have to rather than wanting to. I often cringe or fantasise about other people during. But it’s not that I don’t have a sex drive. Please don’t berate me for this but I’ve had affairs over the years. Not proud of it but I’ve had that desire and once I did it once it seemed easier after that. My husband is faithful and kind, he works hard and is a good father to our two young children aged 5 and 8 although we do clash over certain things and I often find I find life easier and nicer when it’s just me and the kids rather than the four of us. My son , the eldest , has a very good appetite. He isn’t overweight as he is also very active but my husband has made comments like ‘ that’s what fat kids say’ when he says he’s hungry and wants a snack before bed which my son has repeated, looking sad about. I argue we don’t know if he’s hungry, he might be having a growth spurt and I make the evening snacks healthy. Maybe some fruit or a bit of toast. It’s not like I’m loading him up with chocolate and cakes before bed. My husband and I get on but that’s because we both like a drink and still make each other laugh but I do that with my mates so not sure it’s enough to stay with someone for. The thought of the kids leaving home and it being the two of us terrifies me. I don’t give him enough affection so I’m guilty in that department but I feel worn down and like I’ve switched things off because he’s taken me for granted. I take on most of the household task and the mental load. I often feel like I have three kids. He has been the one to progress his career whilst I focus on the kids. I do work full time but am the one there to do the picks up and activities. I organise everything. He helps when tasked mainly. He is appreciative-for example I’ll organise the summer holidays, sort the kids for the majority and he will then present me with flowers or a massage voucher at the end to say thanks, although even that irritates me. I know I should be grateful that he’s generous and thoughtful but actually I’d rather more help than a present.
I’m worried for various reasons if I end it. Mainly that financially it would be a real struggle. We have a nice house in a lovely village where the kids are both settled in school. I couldn’t afford a house on my own where we live now. I also worry for the kids, particularly my son who had alopecia some years a go. He is fine now but it’s triggered with stress. I also worry about my husband. He doesn’t know I’ve cheated as it would be very different if he did but I know he loves me and would be devastated if I ended things. Please help me, I feel so lost