Flashbacks to childhood abuse.

[Thryty]

Sorry should have put a trigger warning in title but its quite self explanatitory.

I'm mid 40s and feel stupid at how this shit still affects me.
Am a bit incapacitated right now due to a medical issue so asked DH to wash my hair for me in the bath, he washes it and we don't have anything to scoop water to rinse so I just lay down in the water for him to give it a tussle under the water and I immediately tense up.

He knows that my mum used to be very rough with me in the bath which made me scared of the water, which made me panic when she rinsed my hair, which made her mad and push me under the water.

So intense up and he says 'it's OK, you're safe'

Which immediately makes me feel safe but also upset that I'm in this situation. I start crying because I'm embarrassed, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm grateful for him.

Just so many emotions that come out of nowhere.

And I still speak to her and I know if I said this to her she would say I was talking rubbish and it never happened and I am being dramatic etc...

Though there's no way she could wiggle.out of the other stuff, but I know she would say the bath was nothing.

Bit the point is I NEVER felt safe with her. My own mother.

And everytime this happens it makes me want to go NC with her :(

It sounds as though your DH is very caring and understanding.

Have you had any therapy OP to help you deal with your difficult childhood?

What ever you do don't feel stupid that you are still affected by what happened to you as a child. It wasn't your fault that it happened and it's not your fault now that you are still affected by it.

No, I am a mess of a person and I'm on my 3rd round of NHS therapy soon and I wanted talking therapy but they've referred me for CBT again. It's my 3rd round of in person CBT and I've done 2 online courses. It obviously doesn't help and I do feel I need to talk to someone about it.

What a beautiful moment with your DH!

I think you might consider therapy suchas EMDR to directly tackle these traumatic memories. But you can also ask your dh to work with you on feeling safe and really knowing that your mother holds no power over you anymore. You can, of course, consider going low ir no contact as well.

Have you ever looked into CPTSD? There's a very good book you might find useful called CPTSD From surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. I really recommend trauma therapy if you can find it.

Anxiety UK does affordable therapy, you might find compassion focused therapy useful.

Not the same but similar, although for me there was no triggers, i had strange flashbacks, which lead to waking up in cold sweats, until eventually I snapped and tried to take my own life.

I was told i had to be on an NHS waiting list to talk to a psychotherapist, or seek one privately, which i did, it helped immensely.

Oh OP, that sounds terrible. Some things set me off too, though fortunately they are getting fewer and far between. It sounds like you have a very caring and understanding DH.

When you are in front of the CBT therapist, please explain as you have here what the problem is and ask how you can be referred for therapy - this is what I did, I had an assessment with a mental health nurse who basically wrote the referral letter for my GP who then sent it in once the waiting list opened again. There will be a long wait, and it will no doubt be quicker to go private if you can afford to.

The Stately Homes thread on here is also a good source of support.

You're not a mess of a person, you are very articulate the way you write, be kind to you, it sounds like you are in a very warm relationship, please don't put yourself down x

If you can try to access trauma informed counseling, I am like you, in my forties and struggled for years due to an abusive childhood. I tried every therapy going and it wasn't until I ended up in front of someone with trauma specific training that I started to be able to understand and heal what happened to me. The therapist was wonderful, she could explain to me why I reacted in certain ways from a biological perspective, she explained how my brain was reacting to protect me and how to work to calm those reactions. I'm not perfect, I never will be able to undo my past but I'm miles ahead of where I was.

I second the recommendation for Peter Walker and also Peter Levine's books, he also has videos on YouTube. I wish you the best of luck in healing.