Just found out my partner previously cheated

[GreyPoet]

Really struggling with what to do here. I've just found out that my partner of 9 years had a relationship with somebody else Dec 23-Feb 24. I'm not really here for everybody to say 'just leave him' I'm already fully aware that's the most logical reaction. He proposed to me in May this year and we have our wedding booked for next year. He keeps telling me that he knows what he did was disgusting and unforgivable but that he ended it because he knew it was wrong and he wanted to be with me (never told me though, I found out from the other girl).
He's claiming that after he got himself together and put all his effort into moving our relationship forward, hence the proposal.
I don't know what to do, I believe he is genuinely sorry but I just can't look at him the same any more. I feel so angry and betrayed 😭

Could you have couples counselling to see if you can get through it?

I'm sorry hen 💐

Do you have dc?

Yes counselling fixes everything… cough

honestly, someone who genuinely loves you won’t cheat on you. Depends if you want to do the counselling and denial route or the self respect and giving yourself the freedom to meet someone who loves and respects you route.

Don't agree to get married yet.
Maybe it's salvageable. But that's a huge breach of trust.

It absolutely doesn’t. My ex lied throughout and it was pointless. But other than LTB there wasn’t much else I could think of!

I think we do need counselling to see if there is anything to salvage but I also (maybe selfishly) feel like I need to figure out what I need on my own without taking his needs into consideration. I have an 11 year old, so step daughter to him.

Its all just so confusing I can't even begin to understand how he could have even done this to me

Personally, having been in that exact same position….I’d leave (or make him leave)

I spent 3 years of my life clinging on to my Ex after I’d found out he’d cheated. I became obsessed with his every move. He’d call me on his way home from work to say he was stopping at the shops, did I want anything….
Id time how long it took him to get home, church the receipt to see what time he’d paid etc. It was hell. I’d never been a suspicious/jealous/clingy person but he turned me in to one. Then punished me (physically and emotionally) for it.

If you genuinely think you can ‘forgive and forget’ then it’s worth it a try but otherwise it’ll be a waste of your time 💐

It's very difficult OP when you say you don't want advice to leave him when for most people that would be the only option.

You say the woman herself told you: does that mean she is a mutual friend? A work colleague? Because if she is someone he/ you are still seeing regularly them it makes things very difficult for any of the 3 of you to move on from.

Was it definitely him that ended the relationship?

Even if the cheating went on for "only " a couple of months that's a lot of very calculated lying. Over Christmas and New year when presumably you were doing family things together. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

Do you need to understand why or how he did this to you?

Would it make any difference?

The reasons are never very interesting. It's usually that he felt horny or flattered and it was available. Nothing more complex than that

The fact is he did it. And he is the sort of person to cheat, lie and betray.

He betrayed you horribly. And it seems had no intention of telling you.

How many others do you think he isn't telling you about?

It's up to you to decide if you can live with the torture of constant doubt and wondering if he is where he says he is and if he's with who he says he is.

That's your future with him.

Awful for you. I'm so sorry you have this pain.

You found out from the other woman. Which means this might not be the first time, just the first time you've been informed of it. Was he very different at the time, changed behaviours?

What a difficult thing to deal with :(

For me I would find it harder that he hadn’t come clean. The original lies would make it difficult but then never coming clean makes it worse. What was he like when you found out and asked?
The key is if you can ever rebuild trust. I have a friend that was cheated on. She stayed with him and 25 years later she was still being sent crazy with wondering if he was sneaking around behind her back.

I'm sorry he has done this to you.
Firstly if he needed to cheat after 9 years to figure out he wanted to be with you then he's not the one for you. Please don't marry him. Find the strength to end it.

I would not marry him. I know how difficult it is, I divorced because of my husband's repeated infidelity. Marriage doesn't cure it. You've got no children together and you deserve better. He'll do it again

You must be devastated, I’m so sorry.

Only you know if you can carry on. I have been with my partner for in excess of 20 years and love him with all of my heart. If I found out he cheated I wouldn’t be able to stay with him.

It would break my heart but I couldn’t live a life where I was constantly worrying, constantly second guessing. It would drive me crazy.

He had a relationship. It wasn’t a drunken ONS. He met and continued to meet someone behind your back, presumably to have sex. He didn’t have the balls to tell you and you still wouldnt know if the women hadn’t told you. There are layers upon layers of dishonesty, deception and deceit.

You deserve so much better than this.

Once the trust is broken it never comes back the same and you never look at them in the same way as you did before..

So he cheated for a couple of months and has only owned up because somebody else told you? You will never comfortably trust him again after that and personally I wouldn't be able to cope in a trustless relationship

He cheated and didn't even have the decency to tell you. You probably would never have found out if it wasn't for the other woman. Seriously lovely, you and your daughter deserve more than this.

You may think you can forgive and that a nice white wedding will paper over the cracks, but trust me (I've been there), it won't. You will never be able to view him the same way again and every phone call, overtime at work, lads night out will drive you insane. Give yourself the chance to meet someone who truly values you - and your daughter.

I found out recently that my partner of 9 years had joined a hook up website, posted naked pix and wanted a woman aged 18 - 75 for no strings sex. The betrayal and total lack of respect for our relationship killed my feelings stone dead. I could never look at him the same way again. I suspect you will feel the same, whether you can admit it to yourself or not. As lots of people on here told me, you deserve better, you really do.

You say you don't want to be told to leave him. So let's reverse that. What do you see the future looking like if you marry him?

Do you see yourself trusting him again?
Do you believe he really loves you?
Do you think he'll stick around when life gets tough?
How devastated will your daughter be if he leaves her live in 5 years compared to now?
Do you think you can enjoy your wedding, knowing he's a cheater.
Do you think forgiving this, will make him assume he can get away with it in the future too?

Most important, do you think you can get over this, do you think you can be happy in the future with this man

I'm not sure this is "previous cheating". I was expecting this thread to be about a recent discovery of an affair from many years ago but it's only been a few months. This is still very much current news and I wonder if you're trying to mentally put some distance there to almost make excuses for him or for why it's "not that bad".

He proposed to you 2 months after the affair ended (did he end it? Did she?) which wasn't nearly enough time for him to have "got himself together" and put in the work to be able to make a lifelong commitment to be a good, honest, supportive husband to you. Did he really think he was worthy of the privilege of securing that commitment from you in return, mere weeks after having sex and a full relationship with another woman behind your back? How arrogant.

It doesn't sound as though you want to leave him, but I don't think anybody could sensibly advise you to press ahead with an engagement or a wedding under these circumstances. There is a lot of work for him to do before that could be considered anything like a half decent idea.

Has he said why he felt the relationship with you was so awful/stale that he went looking elsewhere?

Was it meeting up with her for sex or did they go out to places, restaurants, theatre etc?

Did the other woman tell you that he told her he was ending it because he realised that he didn't want to lose his wife and therefore couldn't continue with the cheating?

Are there finances/housing situation involved where he is better off staying with you and getting married so that he can dump you later and be financially better off? A harsh thing to accept if true.

Postpone the wedding, have counseling on your own to explore what you want and need and then make a decision if it currently feels too difficult to end things.

The general advice after infidelity is that it takes approximately five years to rebuild the relationship, that is five years of both parties putting in five years of work to rebuild.

I had a long term relationship end due to his infidelity and honestly it was torture, everytime he told me I knew everything I discovered another lie, I regret the time I invested in trying to heal the relationship but I don't regret the lessons I learned about myself in that time.

You and your DC deserve so much more OP, that "more" is not necessarily in the form of another relationship but in the peace that comes with knowing you are living a life without lies, deception and uncertainty.

Why has it taken him 9 years to propose? If marriage was a hat you wanted then why stick around for 9 years before he proposed and in what awful circumstances. He’s trying to put a bandaid on the relationship with a shiny ring.

If you aren’t desperate and if you can go it alone then I would LTB. You can do so much better. You really can.

So it was.either a guilt or pity proposal? I couldn't get past it, it was a prolonged affair when you're relationship was already long term and serious. This isn't a snog with an ex after your first date but before the second