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Original poster

I just figured out he loved his ex wife

43 replies

Argenta13 · 18/08/2024 11:18

So I 38/F am about to marry my partner 42/M When we first got together 2 years ago, he told me he and his ex wife should never have got married, he didn’t have strong feelings, they were too young but felt like he had to etc etc. I kinda framed my feelings about the dynamic of being second wife dynamic round that. He also has really good friend who coincidentally is a life long friend of some of my family and who told them when we met what a bore his ex wife is, which consolidated how I framed the whole thing in my mind. I also don't have much respect for her for a few reasons.

More recently however , I’ve figured out that he really did have strong feelings for his wife, partly from things he tells his kids about their time together and partly cause he kinda now admits it. For example, found out one of his tattoos is actually a tribute to her. I completely accept that the feeling are over now, but is it weird that it makes me feel differently about him? I know he loves me and dotes on me. Thing is I used to feel like I had changed his world, but I guess someone has already done that once before.

I

Would this bother you or am I being over sensitive

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 18/08/2024 12:01

Of course she changed his world first…he married her and she gave him children.

Your ego is hurt. Get over yourself.

MsCactus · 18/08/2024 12:04

Yes, he loved her. But now he loves you OP

Bobbotgegrinch · 18/08/2024 12:12

You're 38 @Argenta13 , any man you ever meet for the rest of your life is going to have loved someone else at some point!

I doubt he's lied to you, most people's view of their past relationships are tainted by the end of them, so while maybe he didn't really love her by the end, in his mind he's projecting that back through the whole marriage.

But he was married to her, you must have realised that he must have loved her at the start!

OtterMouse · 18/08/2024 12:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HazelPlayer · 18/08/2024 13:02

I think one other main things that's bothering you op is that, from what you know of her, you don't respect her.

While you thought he never truly loved this woman you don't respect, he was acceptable as your partner.
(Because you could say he had standards).

Now you know he did love this woman you don't respect; you're thinking his standards aren't high/his judgement isn't good.

So that unnerves you. You don't really want to partner a guy who'd willingly be with, let alone love, a woman like her.

It's likely that he's nowhere near as "good" as you thought he was; either in his behaviour during the marriage, or his "choosiness"/standards for a partner.

I guess you either accept that about him, or don't get married (or end it altogether).

chipsdog · 24/08/2024 20:38

He is hardly going to tell his children he didn’t love their mother and wish he hadn’t of married her. First wife dress rehearsal, second wife permanent.

Itsmeamandaberry · 24/08/2024 21:03

Oh of course he loved her just like you probably loved any of your ex's. I hate the fact my DH has an ex wife and that it's obvious at one point that he loved her.

It's much easier when there is no children because you can pretend your ex doesn't exist 😂

MMmomDD · 24/08/2024 21:44

@Argenta13 - you sound like a really young person without life experience, not a 38yo.
There is no need to frame or re-frame anything.
Neithet of you are young enough to be each other 1st significant relationship. Changing each other worlds - seriously? Life is not a Hallmark card.
I hope you develop a healthier relationship to his ex - after all, if you do go ahead with the wedding, you will he a step-mother to his kids.
But for the kids sake - I actually hope you change your mind…

timetodecide2345 · 25/08/2024 00:05

It sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear. He probably did that because you seem insecure and jealous.

TulaTilda · 25/08/2024 00:08

Argenta13 · 18/08/2024 11:18

So I 38/F am about to marry my partner 42/M When we first got together 2 years ago, he told me he and his ex wife should never have got married, he didn’t have strong feelings, they were too young but felt like he had to etc etc. I kinda framed my feelings about the dynamic of being second wife dynamic round that. He also has really good friend who coincidentally is a life long friend of some of my family and who told them when we met what a bore his ex wife is, which consolidated how I framed the whole thing in my mind. I also don't have much respect for her for a few reasons.

More recently however , I’ve figured out that he really did have strong feelings for his wife, partly from things he tells his kids about their time together and partly cause he kinda now admits it. For example, found out one of his tattoos is actually a tribute to her. I completely accept that the feeling are over now, but is it weird that it makes me feel differently about him? I know he loves me and dotes on me. Thing is I used to feel like I had changed his world, but I guess someone has already done that once before.

I

Would this bother you or am I being over sensitive

I actually think its really good of him to speak so well of her to the kids, rather than bitching about her and making life more difficult for them.
Whether he was in love or not he thought he was at the time. My ex and I were in love, got tattoos, got married. We were too young, didn't have much in common, shouldn't have got married but at the time we loved each other, sometimes that's not enough. Late 30s+ most people have baggage and I really wouldn't worry about it

MetalFences · 25/08/2024 06:52

I hope you are going to keep things fun for the darling boy for the rest of his life or you will be divorced too!

noemail · 25/08/2024 07:02

I think love this man! The fact that he's talking positively about his ex to their children is brilliant. It shouldn't be remarkable, but not everyone manages to do it. It will make a huge difference to the wellbeing of those children.

Theunamedcat · 25/08/2024 07:16

Total red flag here no-one "needs" to get married these days even if you have children my ex husband tried to tell me he never loved his ex I said of course you did its OK to love your ex just as long as your not in love with her now! it surprised me how fast his family were to condem her after the split so I really wasn't shocked when they did the same to me after we split in fact I expected it

CrazyGoatLady · 21/09/2024 08:10

Hmm. Part of me agrees with those who have said he's being immature and it's a bit of a red flag. But, he could have said a lot of the things he has said because he wanted to make his new partner feel special, and for you not to be insecure. It's a bit of a dick move to disparage the ex in order to achieve that. However - if your new partner goes on and on about how great their ex was, you're also not going to want to be with them because you'll think they're not over the ex or still in love! It's not always an easy line to walk.

It is appropriate and a good thing that he speaks positively about his ex to the kids, but of course that should be done without confusing them or giving them hope of their parents getting back together, if he's soon to marry someone else.

It could also be true that he did love his ex but was too young and not mature enough to be married with a family and to know how to make that work, and he became a father sooner than he would have liked and wasn't ready. Family life can be mundane, because kids need routines and stability, you can't just go do stuff on a whim any more. A lot of young parents aren't ready for that and it's what they find the hardest - the loss of freedom, variety, spontaneity. And it's often the mum it falls to to maintain the family's stability, do most of the daily and repetitive work and the admin of parenting, so she gets seen as the "boring" parent. Whenever a man describes his ex and the mother of his kids as "boring" I would wager a LOT of money that this was their dynamic and he was probably "fun dad" and had fewer responsibilities in family life than she did.

Watch out for that one OP, if you plan to have kids. You could be the boring ex next, if he hasn't owned his part in why the previous relationship broke down.

HoppityBun · 21/09/2024 08:14

It's just finding out now, I feel like I'm doing a lot of work to re frame my whole understanding of how we came to be together. which is down to you, not him.

What matters is your future together and if you can’t commit wholeheartedly to that then you must tell him.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2024 09:01

It would bother me more that he goes around telling people he didn't love her. Also an ex-wife here whose exhusband used to tell people similar things. Although the last bits of our a marriage weren't great and yes he's married to someone now who is much more suited to him now we were hardly to young at 26&27, and yes I do remember a time we were really happy, he genuinely was the first person I really loved.
As we get older we remember situations differently, you shouldn't be surprised there were happy times or that he did love his exwife at one point.
I would also rather be with a man who can talk about how he did love his wife once rather than a man who blamed a load of other reasons on why he married her. I think your overthinking this.

FairyBreadQueen · 21/09/2024 09:06

I agree @aCatCalledFawkes .

relationships fail, that's just reality. It does not mean that the love that was there originally was not real in some way. I'd have more respect for someone who says 'we loved each other but it did not work out' than someone who says they never loved the person at all and she is just so awful.

LoggingToad · 21/09/2024 14:04

And so starts the devaluing, you've had the love bombing and idealation, now comes the triangulating with an ex.

Confusing ?
Mindfuck ?

Yes, he's just altered your reality, don't be surprised if you become 'that bore' to his friends and family.

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