Take a breather

[clarelka]

Mum of 4. 3 teens and 1 DD 7.

For a while things haven't been great with myself and DH. He has the career, the hobbies (ultra running) and although is present, he's never been particularly hands on. He works away 3-4 days a week and has done this for the last 14 years which to be honest has worked well. The obsession with running and training was probably what caused the most issues when the kids were younger as everything fell to me.

He treats me like one of the children, he tells me off all the time and I've had enough. I had a successful career 10 years ago and then stayed at home for a few years during that time he used to say 'that's your job' if I complained he didn't do much around the house or with the kids. For the past 4 years I have worked and more recently gone full time. He still doesn't do anything but now has started picking at me about things not being good enough. For example he doesn't like how I load the dishwasher so I will be sat down and told off. I recently scratched the alloy on my car and he went mad saying I do it on purpose to annoy him.

He's always right, never apologises, has the upper hand financially and I've had enough. I opened up to my Mum and she said me and my youngest could stay there (I think she thinks that will give him a sharp shock) but that would mean leaving the house and my teenagers as they wouldn't want to come and we couldn't all fit. But should I? I think if I left he would just say to himself that I'll come crawling back, I don't think he'll care as the teens are pretty self sufficient so it won't put him out. I think I deserve more, I think I deserve to be treated like an equal and not a child.

Don’t leave temporarily to give him a shock - as you say, that’s dependent on a particular reaction from him, which gives him the upper hand still. Think about what you want - if it’s not to be married to a selfish, bossy twat, then actually leave him.

I think I do want to leave him but I don't want to leave my other children and I know he won't go. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home.

He acts like a friend to the teens so I am always bad cop so they would have a lovely time if I wasn't here. It's got to the point when I say anything to the older ones they just look at him as if to say tell her.

I don't think I can do it anymore

If your other children are treating you like he does, why not leave and go to your mums. If you have a good relationship with them when he’s not around you could have that same relationship from your own place in time.

How old are your teens? As a starting point I would refuse to take any of their rudeness and give them consequences. I would sit them down & make it clear to them that their attitude is unacceptable & if they continue there will be consequences. Whether that’s turning off the WiFi, refusing to ferry them around or pay for extras, you need to decide what fits for each of them.
It’s not clear whether you stand up for yourself with your husband and his nasty comments but I would withdraw from doing anything for him.
Then you need to do the usual ducks in a row. Do you jointly own your property? Investigate whether you would be entitled to any benefits or could improve your earning power & see a solicitor so that you can make a coherent plan.

I do stand up for myself but he is always right and very difficult to get him to see my perspective. I went to bed last night and went to sleep. At 11pm he came in, turned the lights on and went in the bathroom. I just pretended to be asleep until he left again. It feels like all minor issues but this is my life most days. My teens are 17, 15 and 13. The oldest DD is the most difficult and doesn't give me any respect when he is there, very different when he is working away though. The younger teens are both easygoing and would want to be with me which is why I would feel so guilty going to stay with my parents.

That’s not a minor issue, that’s abusive behaviour. Stopping someone from sleeping is a well used abusive tactic. There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic - it’s barbaric. The more you write about him the worse he sounds. He’s controlling and angry and setting a terrible example to your children. If your older ones are showing the same level of disrespect to you that he does I’d definitely be moving out. If nothing else you’re teaching them that nobody should stand for being treated the way that he/they treat you, which is a valuable lesson for them as they grow up.

Take the first step, move out with your youngest, make sure your others know that if they want to see you of course they’re always welcome, but that you know they don’t want the upheaval of moving out, but you won’t tolerate that situation any longer. If - once you’ve settled - they also want to move out you can look at buying or renting somewhere for you all. They will need to behave appropriately and not end up as flying monkeys for your STBXH. Then get the ball rolling on the divorce so you know where you stand financially. Ideally do some digging before you leave/tell your H so that he doesn’t have a chance to hide things from you.

Op id sit tight and get my ducks in a row in your case. He's not there half the week anyway, get the ball rolling finding out what your assets are, what benefits you'd be entitled to and get a letter drafted to him from a solicitor re child and financial arrangements before you say ANYTHING. Pp is right, he'll use your teens against you and you could end up in a position where he turns them against you, like I did. When the time comes, explain to them exactly why you're leaving HIM and what's going to happen, get them into a routine straight away... and don't let him make you out to be the bad guy as teens are so impressionable. You'll be so vulnerable if you move the small one out with you, it's not worth it. Be ready, then pull the trigger. You'll be so much happier, I am loving my new life - free!

Thank you.

I feel better now I've been honest with my Mum. I agree he would turn the teens against me. However, once they're back at school and all the life admin starts again they will realise how little he actually does. I do everything when it comes to school/admin etc

It's just how I get through it. I think he enjoys knowing I feel uncomfortable in my own home. He thinks financially he has the upper hand, however everything is joint and the only reason he has been able to be so successful in his career is because I have been there to keep everything ticking along. I also do all the house admin/budgeting etc as he's useless at it.

I don't have access to our savings pot though, and more recently he changed having his salary paid into our joint account and now just sends over a set amount. Maybe he is getting his ducks in a row? I have savings but I save for Christmas and holidays etc as he doesn't like going on holiday and a long time ago I decided to make sure I can ensure we do nice things as a family without me having to ask him for the money and when he asks how I intend to pay with it I always have the answer.

The thing is, OP, you've allowed your children to be brought up in a household of abuse.

You can tell them off and try to discipline them but if you've accepted his behaviour for their entire lives why should they behave any different?

Why don't you just actually leave?

Leave until you get a house to house you all except him x

My children haven't been brought up in a household of abuse. My oldest DD is also a teenager and behaves like many other teenagers do. I have no problems with my younger 3 DDs.
It isn't simply a case of just leave.

It’s okay to re-prioritise your savings. You’re allowed to re-allocate Christmas and holiday savings for housing your family.

DH pulling his money out into a secret account is a bit worrying.

My children haven't been brought up in a household of abuse. My oldest DD is also a teenager and behaves like many other teenagers do. I have no problems with my younger 3 DDs.
It isn't simply a case of just leave.

Were they brought up in the same household you described in your posts?

What's it a case of then?