How is your relationship with your partner after having a child?

[turquoisebloom]

Since having our child, who is now 2.5, our marriage has changed. I knew things would change, but there’s a few things that are bothering me

• he’s much more moody and grumpy now, and quite critical of things I do now that he wasn’t before
• we are both shattered from managing childcare and working compressed hours. He works shifts also. This means we rarely have sex.
• we share a room with our toddler and can’t afford to move so makes the intimacy part even harder.
• I’ve lost my sex drive massively, I’m too tired to have sex with DH frequently and his moodiness is also massively off putting. I have told him this multiple times. Tried to work through it, but his moods and snappiness don’t change.
• DH isn’t affectionate in general anymore, doesn’t even look at me much anymore, so I don’t feel encouraged to get intimate.
• relentless of having a toddler and working, not much space and general tiredness has just impacted us both.
• don’t go out as a family often. A lot falls to me to ensure our child goes out to the park etc. i feel touched out. There’s no break.
• he desperately needs alone time but fails to acknowledge I need this too sometimes.

I love my DH and I’ve tried so many times to communicate this and work on trying to improve things, I keep worrying that he’s going to leave me especially with his moods. I also appreciate his shifts are so tiring for him. But it always feels like he thinks he has it worse than me because he works shifts. I work full time too.

I’m also feeling bitter because of them as it puts me on edge, and that we don’t go out much as a family.

is this normal with a young child, how has having a child impacted your relationship?

It honestly didn’t make any difference but I know that I’m lucky as quite a few of my friend's did notice a difference. The one thing is DH really wanted children a lot whereas not always but often it seemed more so that my women friends wanted children and their partners went along with it.

When DS was that age my DH was being sent overseas for up to two months of the year and I was working FT with a shitty commute. I do remember being resentful that he was staying in 5 star hotels in Singapore. But except for when he was away all chores were shared 50/50. We play to our strengths and admit our weaknesses.

Seems like you are not a team currently.
You do need to communicate with him. Is there any way you can get someone to look after your toddler for a day or two and use that time to talk when you are both off work?

We always find the first 6 months of a new baby fractious at times - severe sleep deprivation, and for me recovering physically, and I had PND after DC1 too. But second time round we both knew it's not for ever and that helped us get through it.

Our kids are now 6 and 2 and we have a third due in autumn. Pre-children we literally never argued at all and that has definitely changed! Some of his behaviours that didn't bother me as much pre-kids became more of an issue like how messy he is and that has caused some conflict (and continues to, I don't think it will ever change). Sex off the cards for long swatches of time during pregnancies and first year or so of babies however again after the first one I knew it would come back. And that's always been completely my choice, he would be up for it almost whenever but for various reasons I go through times during pregnancies and when the babies are young that frankly I just don't want to. We maintain physical affection always though via cuddling, sharing a bed for sleep, telling each other we love each other, kisses etc.

I've never been remotely concerned he might leave me and we've never been remotely close to that before. We are a close team and he's a fantastic father and a really supportive husband. We also spend a lot of time together as a family, it's as important to him as it is to me. We are both very family orientated and knew that about each other well before we had kids together.

So sorry to hear this.Honestly why should a child you both sired into the world bring misery rather than happiness? Someone once told me that indeed children belong to the mother however both parents are obliged to look after them. If you can find a day when a caretaker can take the child and plan a day out for you two, then have a chat and quality day where you can devise a plan to solidify your union and look after the best product of your relationship - your child.
Enjoy your child as some couples are trying to get children too.

It brought us even closer, both of our love language is touch though so we are very affectionate people. Obviously we are tired and our kids drive us mad but yeh our relationship is strong and loving.

Sorry to hear about the struggles you're having, it sounds so incredibly tough. Perhaps some couples therapy would help to get things out into the open. Also if you only have one bedroom and no possibility of moving I would definitely get a really nice comfy sofa bed and make the lounge your sleeping area.

We had two under two and it was HARD. It’s much easier now they’re 2 and 4 and play with each other, eat what we eat and sleep through the night.
I think it’s absolutely normal for your relationship to change when you have a baby, especially in the early days, but it will get easier.
Ours are still little, but I feel like we’re coming out the other side now, and life does feel easier. I’d communicate with your husband, maybe try therapy if you feel things are that bad, but I’d also hold onto the fact that you did like each other before kids! This is a season, you will get more time together soon

It will get better but in the meantime you need to try not to let the relationship slide into the point of no return. Could you find time for yourselves somehow. If there’s no one to babysit could you both take time off work & leave your child in their childcare so you have time together?