I’m in an unhappy marriage - from my side it’s not been right for ten years or more, however we have three children and I’ve stayed because of them. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about it on three separate occasions but he always persuades me that we need to stay together.
He’s not aggressive towards me, he's financially supported the family while I’ve been a stay at home mum (recently gone back to work now the kids are older).
My main points for wanting to separate are his negative behaviours. I don’t feel comfortable around him and I don’t really enjoy his company. The house feels so much brighter when he’s not in it. I find myself not wanting to be in the same room as him. Aside from the kids we have nothing in common. We don’t agree on anything, but we don’t have big arguments (mainly because he won’t allow raised voices in the house), his attitude towards the rest of the world is mostly negative and judgemental. Me or the kids often get the blame for most things that go wrong in the house - even if he breaks something - it’s usually because I didn’t put it away properly. If I’m washing up, loading the dishwasher, cooking tea, he comes in and tells me to do it a different way, or asks me why I’m doing it that way, so much so that he does most of those things now, because I just don’t want to. He mocks my hobbies (but then says it’s only a joke). He gets angry at the kids for the tiniest things, dropping crumbs, spilling drinks, making loud noises, running up and down the stairs. If me and the kids are doing something creative and causing a mess, it upsets him, especially if we don’t clear it up straight away. I’ve called him out on all of these things and he tries to reign it in for a while but after a period of time he defaults back to factory settings.
And things like when he nips to the shop to get a few bits and bobs and rings me to ask if I want anything from Greggs, and I say no thank you, but he comes home with a donut anyway, then gets upset when I tell him I didn’t want anything. It’s nice that he bought me one but am I right to refuse it because I didn’t want one!? It’s like I’m made to feel guilty for not wanting this treat but I specifically said I didn’t want one.
An outsider would see him as a caring, fun loving Dad and husband, and a good time person - he's funny, generous, friendly. And he definitely is all of those things, the kids love him and would be devastated if we separated.
When I question his behaviour he says it’s genetic and he was raised that way so can’t help it. When I say I want to leave because of all these things, he says he’s spent years bottling everything up because I’ve not given him what he needs in the relationship. He has loved me and I’ve not loved him back so it creates a build up of tension inside him which causes his negativity and angry outbursts.
I said that’s all the more reason to separate, but he wants to fight for our relationship. Do I need to stay because I’ve made him this way? Do I need to stay for the kids? Do I need to stay because it’s upsetting him that I want to leave? Is it okay to ask for a divorce simply because I’m unhappy? Is it right to cause unrest in my children’s lives because I feel uncomfortable in my own home? Should I wait it out?
I’m paranoid that I’m magnifying his personality traits to make it sound a good enough reason to leave. But I did try to leave 13 years ago and he persuaded me to stay. So from his side it’s me that’s the problem because I’m cold and don’t give him enough affection, but he made me stay when I didn’t want to. Maybe it is my fault.
Somebody please offer me something in the way of advice, experience or just some words. I’ve not talked to anyone about this, my mum passed away so I can’t talk to her. I’ve got hardly any friends. I’m just completely lost.