I know I have to leave but how?

[Floridakeysdreamin]

I’m in tears trying this….. I am again sat at home highly anxious due to my husband exploding today when I mentioned are you drinking already (12:30) he couldn’t get his football match to play so was tetchy I made this remark due to his alcoholism and all his broken promises of cutting down; I don’t even listen to his bullshit promises anymore. He said he’s sick of me moaning about his drinking and that he works hard all week and is entitled to a drink. And with that he stormed out the house, obviously to a pub. I have been checking our joint account and he’s had at least 10 pints and probably shorts. It’s incredible he was upset about me accusing him of drinking but then he goes to the pub and drinks excessively! He’s been out now nearly 6 hours. I work too but barely drink. After 30 years together, married for 10 he has put me off the stuff. I’ve always been the one on high alert at functions, Christmas, social gatherings because I know I’m going to have to be the sober sensible parent.
our children are 26 and 24 and sadly know too well about his drinking. It only takes about 3 pints then he starts to act, talk and look like someone who is mentally handicapped. It’s astonishing how quickly he gets drunk. He falls asleep and wets himself (he’s probably asleep now in the pub and will likely wet himself) he has blackouts, can’t remember things. I’ve recorded him many times but he refuses to listen. He drinks every single night, a can of beer like how most of us will have a glass of water. He has 4 cans every week night with a bottle of wine thrown in about 3 times a week but weekends is open season. All while our kids were little I put up with it and tried to shield them thinking I will leave as soon as they’ve grown up. They both live at home which brings me to my next part.
I realise I have to leave him but I have nowhere to go. No savings and a job on minimum wage. I cannot afford to rent a house round my area so am seriously thinking about moving in with my parents who have no idea of the severity of his problem. I’m going to contact Al anon too.
im so scared of where we will end up living.
thank you for reading to the end.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. This is no way to live a life. Staying with your parents sounds like an excellent idea. And yes do contact AA. Women's Aid might also give you practical advice

Your children have been grown up for a long time. Do they work? Can you all rent somewhere together?

I'm sorry you've been through so much with him, but yes, it's more than time to leave.

Do you rent or own? Assuming you own, the house will have to be sold & the equity shared. Or one of you buy the other out.

you need to find yourself a shit hot lawyer.

youre strong enough to do this, you just need to take the first step!!

you could lock him out, text him not to come home tonight & ring the police if he starts bashing on the door.

Well......you have half of whatever you and your husband own/save jointly

If that's nothing, then you've nothing

However you need to speak to:

Your parents
A solicitor (free 30 mins)
CAB
AL Anon
Your doctor (do you need help getting through this upheaval regards anxiety?)
Women's Aid
Your children
A close friend IRL for support

Separate your finances firstly, open your own account and get your wages paid into it. Make an excuse and say your wages didn't go in or similar if he asks questions. You're entitled to half of everything, so make a solicitors appointment and go from there. And yes to AlAnon, they supported my friend through leaving her partner when she broke and couldn't take anymore.

I think at least temporarily moving into your parents while taking all the other steps suggested here, sounds very sensible.
I feel deeply for your situation.

Can you and your kids rent somewhere together sharing the rent? X

You've lived like this for years but it's got worse not better. He'll drink himself into an early grave Op and he'll need someone to care for him before that when his body can't cope any more. Do you want to be his carer when you know he did it to himself? Tell him and your boys you're leaving and hopefully your boys will go with you. I'm sure they're aware you've always been the one who looked after them, I can't imagine they'll want to stay with their drunken Dad

Thank you everyone. A man found him unconscious on the pavement got him in his car and drove him home. I wished the police had picked him up and he spent the night in the cells.
he got in my sons bed and wet his bed, tried to get in bed with me I told him no cos he’s drunk he got really nasty and kept telling me to f*ck off so I got in my other son’s bed. I thought about calling the police but didn’t want the neighbours all knowing as he would not have gone quietly. Apparently he was awful in the pub trying to fight other men. I wish he had got the shit kicked out of him. At this point I’d feel relieved if he drank himself to death, at least we would be free. I know that sounds mean but the drunk him is an absolute monster. I’m ready to leave but I will have to leave my beloved dog behind, there’s no way he will let me take her. I feel heartbroken at the thought of this. He’s pushed me to the brink of suicide many times. All those wasted years of being too afraid to leave. I feel a pathetic, weak woman. My boys are furious and when they’re home tomorrow they’re telling him we have all had enough. Enough of the misery he brings. I’m going to contact a solicitor, Al anon and woman’s aid. I’ve told two close friends and my sister who have been incredibly supportive. I’m just dreading telling my elderly parents as this will come as a dreadful shock. Thank you all again for your encouraging words. I can’t believe how life has gone so quick but for 28 years I’ve often thought I have to leave him. What an incredibly long time to be so deeply unhappy. I have all my husbands emotional abuse all documented on my GP records as he was the main cause of my mental illness episodes.

I'm sorry you've stayed so long but very glad you're finally getting away @Floridakeysdreamin . Please come back if you need to talk or just to let us know you're OK.

Strength to you. You are making the right choice, bless you.

Does the pub charge for cleaning costs when He wets himself there. Is he in the slightest bit embarrassed he wet your sons bed?
Well done, you are doing the right thing in leaving.

Mention the dog when you speak to the solicitor. Your husband has no right to keep her.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic, he will never change. My mum left him about 5 years ago, they had been together about 45 years. Not sure how she managed to stay so long....

Force him to leave and you keep the dog. Next time he's abusive ring the police and in the meantime see a solicitor and get a restraining order.

I'd put the mattress out in the front garden for all to see his shame.

Please don't leave the dog with him

So sad for you having suffered for so long. Please get support and get out. We're all here for you. Xx

I hope you’re ok. Sending strength to you and your boys 💐

Sounds like you’ve reached a tipping point OP. Hope the talk goes okay later x

I hope you are OK, sending you strength.

Good luck with the leaving and I hope you can somehow get the dog as well. If you have two adult children on side, and he barely functions then surely you can just take her? Well done for being brave and making the move, it's the right thing for you (and anyone in this situation).

You and your children and your dog deserve better than this. Get advice from a solicitor and womens aid about a divorce. Could you apply for an occupation order on the house owing to his domestic abuse? He would have to leave. Keep the dog.

If you are on the rental contract you are liable for the rent too. Will he pay the rent if you leave?

This thread was back in August, Op's hopefully chucked him out months ago. @Floridakeysdreamin I hope it went well for you

Wow. Such a sad powerful post. Good luck OP. Set yourself free. Prepare for the fallout. Dust yourself down and start the rest of your life.