I just need to rant about my mother before I explode.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

She is the most difficult person I know and makes enemies of everyone. My brother doesn't talk to her, she and my dad got divorced a few years ago, her mum has cut her out her will, she has a few friends but these change every 2 or 3 years as she always falls out with people.

So yesterday I go out for the day with her and my dd. I'm driving, my mum is generally doing my head in by talking bollocks non-stop and not been able to keep her annoying dog under control. Dog is a pita and is on her knee trying to lunge onto my seat and whining all the time. I ask her to sort the dog out and she's immediatly pissed off and now starts swearing, randomly muttering, "fucking hell, jesus christ, etc". I remind her dd is in the car and ask her to stop - she refuses saying "this is me"

So we get to where we're going but I'm not sure where to park the car and pull in, mostly off the road. Mum tells me this is fine, I point out I'm still overhanging the road a bit. Mum carries on blathering on and I can't think so I snap at her to shut up. Yes I admit - I snapped. She immediatly tells me that I have to learn to control my temper, etc as its worryingly out of control. This is from the woman who when we were at her house last week was screaming like a banshee at my dd every 10minutes just 'cos dd was dancng around and singing.

My mother then tells me to fuck off and that she won't be coming out with me any more. I tell her thats probably a good idea.

We were meant to be going for a walk - one my mum has done before but I have no idea where we're going. I point out its lunch time and we need to picnic first. Mum says no we can do the (3mile) walk first and strides off. Me and dd follow. She's not talking to us and afetr about 10minutes disappears out of view as dd can't keep up. I am now in a wood in the middle of nowhere and dd is hungry, we carried on for a bit and then realising we were lost and there been no sign of my mum we turned round and went back to the car.

I was very tempted to drive off and leave her there to be honest, but didn't. She turned up about 40minutes later and didn't say a word, dd informed her that we'd turned round as we didn't know where we were going. She made some snotty comment about how she didn't know either but she'd used her common sense and found the way! Ie; implying that I hadn't used my common sense. Well she's a lying cow - she did know the way as she's done that walk before.

I then drove back with her pretending to be asleep and ignoring me. Took her back to her house where she gets out the car and she said goodbye to dd.

I'm just so bloody mad with her. She will be totally convinced that I am 100% to blame. I know that snapping at someone isn't nice but she drivels on so much - which I have politely mentioned to her before. I know that her incessent talking drives other people mad as well - so ts not just me. Plus I'm fed up with the fact she thinks its fine for her to be so rude and obnoxious to me and dd but God forbid I should ever be slightly rude to her.

She'll ignore me for weeks now and then I'll feel guilty and ring her and get a lecture from her on what a horrible person I am. I'm so tempted to follow my brother's example and never speak to her again - unfortunately I'm meant to be starting work soon and will be relying on her to cover some childcare.

You really want her to look after your DD?

Crikey, she does sound difficult!

If I were you, I would find alternative childcare, unless you want your dd swearing.
As for your mother screaming at her, I would have asked her to leave the house.

how funny she tells you off for your uncontrollable temper ! projection, anyone?

i would seek out any other sources of childcare you can find. she sounds very volatile and likely to guilt trip you over everything

She sounds like she has mental health problems. Seriously. I would really really consider very carefully if you must leave your child with her. What if something happens? It will be your fault, she'll say, whatever happens, for leaving the child with her.

Keep your distance and seek out alternative childcare.

I don't really want her looking after dd - but I've just qualified as a m/w. My childminder that would start early/finish late for my shifts has just packed in - I can't find another childminder.

My dh works away a lot. If I don't work now I will never get the confidence of experience I need and know that I will never work as a m/w. Its not the sort of job where I can think I'll wait 2 years before starting work. I was planning just to work 3 days a week as I know using my mum for childcare isn't ideal.

keep asking and looking for childminders..... any friends who could help and you coudl reciprocate on your days off?

I think I keep making excuses for her - she is under presure at the minute as my gran ahs been rushed into a nursing home and she is now trying to sort out a perm home for her.

She is normally better with dd than she is with adults.

but there will alwyas be stresses and strains.. i am sure you know your mother and her relationship with DD well enough... i can imagine how frustrating and scary it is to think about not practising as a MW after all the work you have put in. hope things work out

SKSS,

Your Mother has over the years managed by her own volition to isolate herself from everyone in her life except you. That should tell you a lot. She is a toxic person and thus not good to be around. You are NOT responsible for her and her toxic behaviours - you did not make her that way inclined.

From the sounds of it her toxic behaviours go back years and likely also before you were born. You should not be made the scapegoat for her problems, she made choices and was free to do so. Toxic people rarely if ever change, blame others for their woes and certainly never accept responsibility.

"She is normally better with DD than with adults". What does that tell you apart from a total inability and a lack of respect for any adult other than herself. This lady has sworn at you in front of your daughter.

Would find alternate childcare as a matter of course - if your Mum is swearing in front of you what makes you think she would not do the same in front of your daughter?. What if your DD somehow "annoys" her, what would your Mother's reaction be?. Swearing at her, giving her a smack?. You will be blamed for any perceived slight, she will find a way to blame you. You have no choice really - you need to find someone else other than this unstable woman to look after her.

Would suggest you also read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

I know I have to do something about childcare but there doesn't seem to be anything. Only other option is to just go on the bank and work the odd weekend shift. But I will get no precepteeship and am worried I will be a crap m/w and kill someone.

Attila - I'm not normally one for self help books but that looks good. Am going to order it now.

DD came out with a choice swear word yesterday so was not impressed. Thanks everyone.

I thought lulumama's temper projection comment was very perceptive.

She does sound like a bit of a child herself so probably not the best person to be setting an example to your DD.

Sounds like your brother had the right idea...

Try the stately homes thread? here

Very simillar to my mother. Been divorced for 25+ years but still moans about DF, estranged from her mum and my DB. She is self obsessed, just uses 'friends' for what she can get out of them for herself so no one stays around for long. Thinks the world owes her a favour etc etc Oh and it's never her fault and everything wrong in her world is just their to play a dirty trick on her. My sympaties and understanding Spotty

Whenever I let her back into my life she hurts me so I chose to clutter clear her from my life. I speak to her when I have too.

I now refer to her in the same vein as a smear test - something you don't relish but know you have to deal with. It's uncomfy, undignified, just get it over and done with and you don't want anything to do with it until you have to do it again IYKWIM

Only hope DS will never feel the same about me when he gets older

I just wanted to say something about her being better with your DD than she is with adults. My grandad (messed-up toxic bastard who has behaved appallingly to every person in his life) was like this with me and my brother; we used to spend time with him on Sundays and he would take us on holiday for a couple of weeks every year because he had the time and the money and no one else in my family did. He was alright with us when we were little, but as we got older his natural attitudes towards adults (other men = competition/threat, women = second class citizens; both must be controlled at any cost) began to manifest towards us. Resulting in a lot of deeply unpleasant and unnecessary experiences. He was also a crap and irresponsible adult to be around, e.g. he would fuck off down the pub and get pissed leaving us to look after ourselves in his house.

I don't want to make this about me but I really wanted to say: don't underestimate how damaging contact with such unhealthy people can be for kids, even if the former seem 'better' with the kids. I have cut my grandad off and refuse to have any contact with him now because I can't forgive him for all the shit things he's done to me and my family, but it doesn't negate the many scarring and frankly unnecessary experiences I had in his company. There was a short period of time, when I was very young, when he was fun and exciting and exotic to be around - but it wasn't worth everything that came after. So be careful.

And I wish you all the best in finding alternative arrangements for your DD and your career as a midwife

Why not go & have a chat with your MW supervisor? There may be an option to do regular bank work or trim down the shifts. Let's face it they are DESPERATE for MW' s aren't they? Also ALL employers are supposed to consider requests for family friendly hours so it's worth a try.

it's a difficult one but your mother doesn't sound a very reliabel source of childcare & as you say the emotional blackmail would be a nightmare for both of you.What does your DH/Dp think?

I too would be very unwilling to leave my dc with some one like your mother, even if she were their grandmother. Sorry; I know that as a mw your childcare options are limited.

I too would be very unwilling to leave my dc with some one like your mother, even if she were their grandmother. Sorry; I know that as a mw your childcare options are limited.