Relationship ended with narcissist partner after 27 years but he won't move out

[Catsdogslizards]

Hello, I'm new here and just looking for some support and someone to talk to.
My partner has been controlling and narcissistic over the course of our 27 year relationship.
We have 3 kids together, all adults now but 2 still live at home and my youngest is autistic.
4 weeks ago he accused me of cheating once again and things came to a head when I stood up to him and threatened to ring the police. He said we're over, which I agreed with but my problem is that he says he isn't moving out.
We have a joint tenancy so I can't tell him to go.
He's upstairs and I'm downstairs and the atmosphere is just awful. He's being "nice" and trying to make out he wants to be civil about everything, I think he knows by being like this I can't do anything about getting him to leave (help from the police etc)
I have no friends or family because he isolated me and ruined friendships, my mum and dad are both passed on and I only have 1 sister who lives in a different part of the country.
I'm so lonely and depressed and feel like I don't know what to do or where to turn, I am struggling to just get up in the morning and function and I've been thinking since yesterday the only way out of this nightmare is death.
I have been totally dependent on him so have no money of my own either. I just need someone to talk to but have nobody.
I can't get through to women's aid but spoke to them 2 weeks ago and they said I'd get a call to allocate me an IDVA but I've not heard anything yet.
I can't do this on my own and I'm so low today I just feel like running away and never coming back but I know i can't do that as my DS needs me and relies on me for everything because of his autism.
Please can anyone just tell me if you've been in this situation and does it get better? How do I get him to go? I'm so worried about everything and feeling totally overwhelmed.
Thank you

What do you want to happen? If he does move out, how will you support yourself & your son? Start making a plan for your financial future & do not assume he will contribute anything financially.

Can you speak to your letting agent or housing association for advice, see if you can be allocated your own flat. How old are your dc. Are you able to support yourself

What is your other adult child doing? You aren't solely responsible for your youngest child, he has a father that lives in the house too. You are entitled to claim UC if you have no income. Make a claim online for yourself. It's the first step you need to make to get your finances sorted.

You can't force your partner to leave if it's a joint tenancy but you can leave. Start looking for somewhere else to live as soon as you have made a claim for UC.

Is it a joint tenancy through the local council? If so they can help you have him removed so you can remain there. It's worth speaking to the housing officer if this is the case. Also putting women's aid aside is there any other DV charities that support in your area? Often that's a better option as women's aid are very over run and without chasing constantly it could be a heck of a wait! It's frustrating when a relationship breaks down but the partner refuses to leave - I suspect it's game playing (I've experienced this myself). I actually walked out in the end - with two kids, a bag of clothes and not much else. Two year on things are great. Please don't lose hope!!

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it.
I'm trying to look for work but struggling with making a CV as I haven't worked for years due to the relationship being controlling.
I feel out of my depth to be honest, but I just know I don't want him here anymore but don't see him leaving any time soon.
I already get UC but it's a joint claim but going to speak to them on Monday about my options.
I've spoken to the council, they said they are sending me a form that we both need to sign if he's going to move out to take him off the tenancy, when I told him yesterday he said "I'm signing nothing"
He's definitely playing mind games as someone has said, it's just I don't think he's going to give in and is hoping I'll crack first and leave myself,which I would but I can't leave my DS he's 19 but totally reliant on me and I do everything for him.
He won't be eligible to be rehoused with me either because of his age and the fact he goes to university means I don't have medical evidence to show he absolutely needs to live with me. I would only be able to apply for a 1 bedroom because of this.
Just really want to get my partner out of the house but don't know how really.
Feel defeated today and just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The only way you'd be able to get him out would be with an Occupation Order and they're very difficult to get.

Why did you call the police? If he's threatening you and aggressive then the best thing is to go to a refuge. Perhaps your son could stay temporarily with a sibling until you got somewhere else sorted out.

Other than that, your only option is to file for divorce while living in the house.

Regarding your mental health I would see your GP and try to get medication and therapy, you can also self refer. Your local domestic abuse organisation may provide therapy or know of alternative providers in the area. Anxiety UK do affordable therapy.

If you're in social housing then speak to your housing manager. You could also phone Shelter regarding your options.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. 💐

I wouldn’t push for your ex to move out right now, focus on your own financial situation and becoming as financially independent as possible.
If he moved out tomorrow, for example, would you be able to pay the rent? If not, you don’t really want him to leave until you’re in a better financial position tbh.

Does your 19 yo have support at university? Would that be enough evidence?

council housed me with my mum when i was in university. we got a 2 bedroom house when her relationship broke down