[M39] [F40] My husband still blame himself 5 years later. How to get him to stop blame himself.

[stayathomewife]

Together 14 years, married 12 years, he is a devoted and doting husband, he treats me really well. We don't have problem in our marriage, I just don't know how to help him through this.

Brain disease run in my side of family, my father died of end stage progressive brain disease. My child got brain disease from me as I'm the baby's mother, inherit from me the maternal side, this has nothing to do with my husband.

We was told by the neurosurgeons that our child won't live pass 2 years old.

The surgeons in the hospital asked us (as parents) about our choice of Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) for our child.

You know Cardioversion, the heart stimulating electric shocks to the heart. Because Cardioversion can cause injuries when perform, like broken ribs and heart damage, causing even more pain for a child. Plus the surgeons told us our child will NOT pass 2 years old.

Me as a mother choose Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). My husband at the time also agreed to because he not want Cardioversion electric shocks to the heart which can cause broken ribs and intense pain for our child.

Our child did die and there was no attempt of resuscitate as we had the Do Not Resuscitate.

5 years later my husband still BLAME himself for the DNR order, he never blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He said had he choose Resuscitate instead, our child probably still has a chance, but my husband not get it, the surgeons told us our child will NOT live pass 2 years old.

I know he still blame himself and his guilt for agreed to the DNR, perhaps I am a cold blood person for put in DNR for my child.

I know this is his grief, he has to solve this on his own, I just don't know how to get him to stop blame himself for this, he lives in the guilt that our child died because of him agree to the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.
BUT then brain disease our child inherited from me the mother side here. I don't know how to get my husband to understand that our child died is not because of he agreed to the DNR.

I don't know how to get through him. I know this guilt of his is eating him up everyday inside.

I am so sorry that you lost your child.

It's a terrible situation. Is your husband receiving any mental health support? His mental health needs sound far beyond 'normal' grief (if there is such a thing in this situation).

Your husband needs to ask his GP to refer him to therapy

You are not trained or equipped to deal with someone else's grief or guilt.

Thank you Mrs.

5 years later and he still BLAME himself for agreed to the DNR order, he NEVER blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He hella does, I see it everyday, he lives with this guilt every single day. And it more than just this.

His immediate blood family members one by one died, he grief each of them one by one.

His older sister died of car accident on freeway (drunk driver hit into her).
His father died of Pancreatic Cancer, he was the one taht care for his dad by his dad beside in his dad last months, he watch his dad die slowly from end stage cancer.
Then our child died, which he still blame himself for agreed to the DNR, but it me that put in the DNR and brain disease our child get it from me the mom, not him.
His mom is dying, her end stage kidney failure, and she Quadriplegia paralyze since her hemorrhagic stroke.

He still has me I'm his wife and I will always be there for him. It just his grief though, everyday I see him live in pain, so so much grief and emotional pain.

I'm so very sorry, how awful for you both, and your poor child.

You both sound like wonderful parents.

I don't think it's the DNR. I think he's desperate to blame himself somehow and that's just the route he's taken.

Grief is awful and guilt often plays a huge part. If it wasn't the DNR it would be something else he was blaming himself for.

As for how to get through it and help him....I'm not sure. Maybe therapy?

I’m sorry you have had to deal with so much grief to cope with as a family. That’s too much for anyone to bear. I think your husband needs to access some grief counselling asap.

In answer to your question, you can't get him to stop blaming himself.

But a professional counsellor may be able to help your DH do that.

He needs proper help. GP is the first stop.

Your husband needs to have therapy, and CBT can be very effective for recurring and unresolved thoughts and feelings of guilt.

I am very sorry for your loss, OP.