Cheating

[Alehop]

DD caught DH messaging another woman on holiday. DH initially denied it then admitted he had kissed woman from work and they had been sending sexy messages to each other. He immediately blocked me and DDs on all social media but I've since found out not OW.
Came home early from holiday and asked him to leave. He left but wants to move back in to try and work things out.
I've said from the start I can't move on until I've read the messages between them but he's now said he deleted them. Why delete them if they are as innocent as he is trying to make out?
They both work beside each other so potentially see each other 5 days a week and he thinks that's ok.
Been together over 20 years and this is a total shock. He's acting like it's nothing serious and I'm overreacting. I don't know what to do?

Why did he block you and DD on social media.
If he’s deleted everything then he’s trying to cover it up.
I think it would be extremely difficult to get past this in that circumstance and particularly if they are still working with each other.
Huge hugs OP, sorry you are going through this.

I can only think it would be so we couldn't see he was connected with her. He got a bit stroppy yesterday and said he would just block everyone. He also said he liked messaging her about common interests.

im sorry you found out like that - I’ve been in a similar position. I think the issue is he’s said now that he’s cheated (yes, I class kissing as cheating). He tried to lie about it. He’s still in contact with her, and isn’t reassuring you that he is going to stop the inappropriate contact. Even if they’re talking about work - that doubt will always be in your mind. And he wants to move back in and ‘try’? He could start by looking for a new job. If he’s not willing to change firm then the chance is always there that it’ll continue and he’ll carry on covering tracks.

I hope you manage to sort this out for your own peace of mind - you and your daughter deserve so much better.

My honest advice would be decide if you can move forward, forgive and forget or not without reading the messages, they will haunt you.

When my ex told me he was leaving me for another woman I asked questions and he answered them about where they’d been, how things started, what he loved about her etc etc.

I wish I didn’t know because even 6 months down the line, I still think about it.

He was messaging the other women in front of your daughter?!. Don't understand why you need to see messages, youve already been told they're sexual. How bad do they have to be for you to leave?

He only wants to 'try'? He isn't prostrating himself before you with grief and regret and a desire to make things better? He's just going to have a vague stab at hoping you forget all about it, it sounds like.

Anything less than full blown remorse in my book means he's just going to carry on and hide it better, but that he likes the comfort of home.

Thanks for your replies. I think asking him to see the messages is my way of knowing if he had something to hide or not. If he had nothing to hide he would let me see them surely ?
He said they only kissed once at work 3 months ago. I'm finding it hard to believe.

There is no moving forward when he is not bending over backwards for forgiveness and doing everything possible to distance himself from OW.

He isn't. He is minimising and wanting to still be in contact.

You are finding it hard to believe because it won’t be true!

If they are sitting side-by-side for 40 awake hours a week when there is attraction between them, it will be near impossible for him to stop what they are doing. That is a lot of togetherness.