How do you leave?

[idontknow90]

I feel in absolute turmoil in my marriage at the moment. I don't know what to do or how to go about it, I am constantly flitting between should I stay or go.

I am 30 years old and have been married for 5 years, we share 1 child who is 3. I think I have always known deep down that we are so vastly different but I was so swept up in getting married, having a baby etc.. that I pushed it to the back of my mind but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this for.

My husband isn't a bad person but he can, in my opinion, be incredibly selfish. He will never do anything that he doesn't want to do, regardless of anyone else.

He has no friends whereas I am an outgoing person who has a number of good friends. He will never attend anything with me, ever. No weddings, no christening, no friendly bbq or anything like that. The only thing he's ever attended with me was a friends funeral but even then he'd only come to the service and not the wake because he didn't want to have to talk to anyone. This was one of my best friends funerals so an incredibly hard day.

I attended a wedding yesterday and I just felt like crying the whole day seeing all of my other friends with their partners and knowing I'll never have that.

He will go out on a weekend as a family once in a blue moon with our child and when he does (twice a year if that) he will want to leave after an hour. Won't go to a soft play for example because he doesn't like it.

He won't even go on holiday as a family because it will "be too stressful".

He works incredibly hard but I often feel like that's the only thing he ever cares about or is interested in.

I feel so lonely. I do everything alone. I go on days out with our child alone, I go to events with friends alone, I go on holiday alone so our child can have these experiences.

Day to day we actually get on very well, we can laugh and joke and can enjoy each other's company but all of the above feels like it's just chipped away at my love for him. He will never put himself out of his comfort zone for me. Ever.

I fantasise all the time about being with someone else, no one specific, just someone. Someone who'll go on holiday with me or who actually wants to spend time with me / our child at the weekend etc..

I see pictures of my friends going on holidays with their children and husbands and I burst into tears. It breaks my heart.

I don't want to do this anymore but I am so scared of ruining my sons life over what may seem trivial.

And I just don't even know where to start.

Tell him. Tell him exactly how you feel and that if things don’t change then you will consider ending the marriage. Tell him your needs and how they’re not being met. Is there any chance he might be autistic? You say he finds being around groups of people too stressful. Could he have undiagnosed autism? It’s worth considering. Maybe he needs an assessment. If not, and he really is just that selfish, you need to consider if you’re willing to live the way you are. Also, how do you want to model to your daughter? That she should expect to do everything without her partner or do you want a different family dynamic for her to aspire to?

So what does he do apart from work?
Agree with the above, you need to tell him.
Has he always been like it and had no friends? Sounds like he could have crippling shyness or anxiety. That or he just isn’t interested in anything or anyone!

You can't figure out if your marriage is worth saving until you have a conversation with him about it. Firstly find out why he doesn't like seeing people and going for days out etc. I have awful anxiety so I sometimes decline going to places where there will be lots of people, however, this seems like it could be a deeper issue. But you need to find out. If he's not willing to compromise and at least go to the park with you and your child, then it might be time to consider leaving.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship eBook : Kirshenbaum, Mira: Amazon.co.uk: Books

The other avenue I would explore is whether your partner is autistic. If he is AND if you decide to stay in this relationship, both of you will need specialist support.

Can you fulfil those needs with others eg friends? So go on holiday with another family or days out with others.
It sounds like it hasn’t changed but you’ve grown to resent it over the years.
It doesn't sound ideal but equally finding a partner who can do that with you will be harder now you have a DC (not impossible though). You are young though and there’s a long time of your life left.

Tell him that he is not happy and tell him what a good relationship with a husband looks life from the husband perspective. You cannot desire what do not know, you cannot give what you do not have. Start therapy. That will give you the space to work out how to leave or how to better the relationship if it is at all possible. Are you talking together? Are you having time together only the both of you ? Is he facing depression ? All the best OP.