Giving ex a second chance

[Bone11]

I know, I know... Probably best not, ex is an ex for a reason etc.

But I'd love to hear from anyone that this has worked out for please. Surely it must work for some, if timing wasn't right, or if someone deserves a second chance?

I know I could be content with someone else, but I think I might be missing a chance to be exceptionally happy if a second chance isn't given. People make mistakes right? No cheating involved. But he didn't treat me well enough at times and didn't support me when I needed him to, and it ended badly. I feel like I'd be settling with anyone else. I feel very strongly for him, I am a daydreamy romantic type and I worry this is clouding my judgement because the good times were so good.

He's back after more than a year NC, said all the right things, appears genuinely to have reflected but it took a long long time to get over the devastating heartbreak and I don't think I could do that again.

Advice and stories welcome please.

Haha no stories of it working out is quite a strong answer!

Depends I guess why you broke up to begin with. I desperately wanted my ex back for so long, sometimes do in fact but we broke up mainly because he is an avoidant and I prefer to communicate and he cannot change so if he came back now it would be pointless for me.

He showed you exactly who he was the first time. You should believe him, people don't change.

Take it from an old girl in a long relationship…you need to be happy with them at their worst. You can’t spend a life waiting for the good bits. There’ll never be enough to make up for being unsupported emotionally or ignored.

You just need to read the threads on here from women who go round in circles with their partners asking them to make them feel valued, heard, prioritised and appreciated.

If a man can’t do it when you first get together, he’s not going to be able to do it for the long haul. He may manage a couple of weeks but then you’ve got to go back in to bat for yourself again. it’ll be a never-ending cycle.

Thank you for the replies. My head and heart are not in agreement at all. I feel compelled to be with him, and a lifetime of good but not great without him doesn't feel good enough as you only get one life. It's a big risk.

I think people can realise that they messed up and what they missed out on. I am also in a similar position and giving an old flame a second chance. So far so good for me.

That's good to hear, I'm pleased for you. Did you agree any changes or boundaries to make it work? Or just dive in? I think realising what you've lost can be very powerful but things would need to change to avoid the same mistakes. I'm so pleased things are working out for you. I just don't want any regrets, so either way I'll need to own it.

Leopards and spots

I think it all depends why you broke up and how long you were together.

People do change, and sometimes you dont realise what you had till its gone.

I have known friends who got back together after one cheated and some 15 years later going strong.

@Bone11 I don't think anyone can tell you the right thing. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants. I was in a similar position to you though my ex got back in touch after 3 years. I had gotten through the breakup but always felt in my heart that he was my great love. I'd dated in between but nothing worked nor had I felt much about. Ex got in touch and this time it felt absolutely amazing. He loved to tell people the story of how we met/split/reconnected as it all sounded so romantic. This time I then introduced him to my friends, family, kids! I was the happiest I'd ever felt. But after a year, he started becoming avoidant again like before. He was ND so ended up resenting the children, then backing off me. Instead of the happiness I initially felt, I was then chasing that dream yet again, and basically he did exactly what he did before, stopped all contact. Again.

Of course my friends warned me before that he had form for doing this, but I was on cloud 9 and thought it would be fine.

Now I'm exactly where I was before, except even sadder because I'd gotten even more invested. However at least I definitely know now.