Can cheating make you realise you don’t love your partner

[DadDad90]

Please don’t judge.
I cheated on my partner of just over 11 years with a work colleague. Not condoning it but it was one time and I was very drunk. As soon as it happened I regretted it. There are no feelings for my work colleague at all. I told my partner the next day after it happened.
ive been unhappy for a while, partner putting me down at time and feeling unloved at points. I’m in way saying this is justified and some days I was happy and felt like the luckiest man alive. I know I should have spoken to my partner and we maybe could have worked through this.
we have a 4 years old DD and a 5 month old DS.
before this I used to tell her everyday how much I loved her and how beautiful and lucky I was to have her.
since this I feel nothing but guilt when I look at her and I am now starting to question my feelings for her.
i have been open and honest and she has now ended it. I felt numb, she’s been brilliant allowing me to still see the children everyday even though she’s hurting. It’s been 2 months and I still feel the same like I don’t love her, I fancy her and always will. I just feel so much guilt for what I’ve done to her.
will the love ever come back, I want so much to be a family, but don’t wanna be with her because I don’t love her, I don’t know if I feel like this because I cheated and it goes against everything I find morally right or it’s how I’ve been feeling for ages.

You’re a pillock

A self serving, immature pillock

And I don’t feel at all judgemental

I’m not sure what you’re asking?

Why do you want to love her again if it’s over? Isn’t it better to work on being a good coparent and father?

You really are focusing on things that are pointless and this will effect your ability to be an attentive and productive dad.

You cheated. You have given your reason, which most people will reasonably think is bollocks, but what’s done is done. I just don’t see why ‘THIS’ is your focus?

Bold choice posting on Mumsnet. Anyone who cheats is hanged drawn and quartered, especially men. I've not seen a case yet where that's unfair.

"I was very drunk" undermines your responsibility for what was clearly your choice.

You don't love her, and she's finished with you. I think it's all worked out for the best. Look after your kids, make sure she is supported and move on.

She has ended it with you and rightly so

So why do your feelings matter?

You have young children, one being 5 months old - Christ, you really are lowest of the low

You fucked up it’s over. Now concentrate on an amicable co-parenting relationship and bring the best father you can be.

Absolutely this! Stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on being the best dad to your children. You made a choice to cheat and consequently everyone will be affected by your actions! Moving forward let's hope your partner can meet a nice man who can take care of her.

I think the cruelest thing you could do is try and make it work in these circumstances. Tbh I think a lot of people who cheat cling on to their partner instinctively without truly considering why they cheated, which is that they weren't happy. Concentrate on being a good father and co-parent. Sounds like you might have been shaky on this seeing as you were on a night out drunk 3 months after your partner gave birth to your child? You need to be honest with yourself and assess if you have really been a present father or if you have been wrapped up in your own stuff. Parenthood is about being there and putting in the hard work even if things between you and your partner aren't going well.

I want so much to be a family, but don’t wanna be with her because I don’t love her
She doesn't want to be with you, so you can't be a family. Respect her choice.

She dumped you. She deserves better than you. You didn't care about her feelings or your family when you were getting your willy wet. You didn't care about her feelings when you told her you don't love her. Leave her the fuck alone. Try to be a good dad, that means prioritising your kid over yourself and your dick.

No, cheating is a symptom of not loving your partner. It's an active choice and it doesn't happen by accident.

Move on.

Yes you are correct, you don't love your partner, you also don't love your children.

What it does show is that you are an extremely selfish person who was entrusted to protect his wife and children, not only did you not do that you also took them all for granted.

Hopefully they will all fall out with you and have decent men in their futures who care enough not to lie, cheat and ruin their mental health.

But hey, this is about you isn't it, you don't want to hear what they all need and want.

My advice is to go away and distance yourself from them, you are bad news.

I think you can still love your partner even if you cheat.
To be fair you told her the truth so you've at least taken some responsibility.

In your case, it sounds like you realise the relationship is over. There are different kinds of love and maybe you're just not feeling the right way any more. I think though that with having a very small baby, you might be going through some sort of mental thing? A reaction and a lapse of judgment? Don't know. Just try and support as much as you can, your responsibility is to look after your kids and their mother at this stage - together or not.

Distance himself from his children? Why on earth would you suggest that?

I assumed you’ve been cheated on because you seem very triggered by this.

To suggest he doesn’t love his children is absurd. That would be implying he’s a very sick individual, when all he’s guilty of is a drunken shag.

Please make every effort to be the best possible father now and do not lose your kids because of one stupid decision.

Feeling that you were falling out of love with your partner should have started an honest look at your relationship, and maybe counselling and conversation etc ... and not cheating.

Leave her alone. You don't love her. The only thing that you will do is hurt her more. See what the lack of love already did. Therapy would help you do better and understand why you think you could cheat. I pray you learn from your experience and do better.

Love isnt a magic feeling that just happens, when you have a family its about hard work and putting up with the slog, grind, sleepless nights etc.

You seem to be obsessing over whether you really loved her - but you’ve fucked it up now regardless.

It seems you dont know what you want from us, complete strangers, mainly women on a site called Mumsnet.

But what it looks like is the desire for the Mum archetype to say its ok pat your head and absolve you.
Suggest you find a psychotherapist to nut it out with for a more honest proactive stratergy.