Who's responsible for keeping up a parent/child relationship in adulthood?

[StarSdrou]

Disclaimer I am using 'text to speak.'

I need to start off by saying that my mother was quite abusive in my childhood. And even though that's something that I've mostly put behind me now, it's still leaves seeds of resentment. So our relationship isn't perfect but on the whole in adult hood it's been amicable enough.

I don't drive due to medical reasons. My husband drives but isn't available all the time because of work. My mother and father are retired, mid sixties and both drive.

My mother makes no effort to phone me. If we talk over WhatsApp, it is always me. The initiates the conversation.

They never visit. It's only if it's one of the children's birthdays. They will come and stay for thirty minutes maximum.

I think my mom expects us to go and visit them every week. Because that is what she used to do with her mother. But it was different circumstances as her mother did not drive and was on her own. She saw her mother a lot because they lived very close. My mum chose to sell her house and move a little further away. Is it only a 45 minute drive but not super local.

I guess I feel a little resentment because I never get a message from her to see who how I am or I never get a phone call are a drop in visit. But.
I know if I said this to her. She would say quote. "Well you never come and visit me?"

I keep the lines of communication open via WhatsApp and the occasional phone call. She is never the one to initiate these.

Latly I've had a few medical issues which I shared with her. And she has not once asked me how I am doing.

I feel like if I had grown children with grandchildren and I was retired and drove. I would make the effort to go and see them as much as possible. And I feel like I would want to keep in contact with my children.

But I think she feels like. It's my responsibility to go and visit her. And if I don't message phone our visit? I just don't hear from her at all.

So who's responsibility? Is it to maintain an adult relationship between mother and child?

It’s not a question of whose responsibility it is. You’re both adults. It’s a joint responsibility, to the extent it’s a responsibility at all. It takes two to have a relationship.

Which, honestly, your mum doesn’t seem to want necessarily. Do you want a relationship with someone who isn’t that fussed? If so, then it’s your job to make the effort. If not, it’s nobody’s job. Your mum is making her position clear by her actions.

There's no requirement that a parent-child relationship continue at all. The relationship just may have run its course.

I would not go running after her. Let it fizzle.

Surely it's like any other adult relationship? If both parties wish it to continue (and, of course, it's absolutely fine to opt out) then both parties need to make an effort to keep it going. It's not just down to one person.

It’s definitely a joint responsibility, but some don’t see it this way. My parents and I for example both make a huge effort and we are all still very close, see each other at least once a week, they are very involved grandparents, speak every day in family groupchat, we love this.

My PIL are like your mum, feel it’s our responsibility, don’t understand the phone works both ways and will never ever reach out to us- unless they want something.

Whoever wants the relationship to succeed. Hopefully that's both parties.

I really feel like if I didn't message or phone I simply wouldn't speak to her for months and months on end.

It's very one sided.

Doesn’t that tell you something about her thoughts/feelings on this relationship?

I suspect you’re struggling with rejection by your mother, more than the logistics of keeping this relationship alive. You might find a thread about that more helpful.

Both sides need to be pro-active if they want the relationship to continue...

At the moment it sounds like you are doing all the effort.

I would really ask yourself what you want to do:

• do you want to keep a relationship with your parents?

• or are you happy to distance yourself and only have limited contact with them?

There is no obligation for you to try to maintain a relationship with them just because you think it is your 'responsibility', especially as they don't seem to value time with you and your family.

In your shoes I would stop initiating everything and leave it up to them to make the effort to contact you.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

Studies show that around 15% of people lack empathy. People who lack empathy struggle to build and maintain relationships. They can seem cruel and indifferent. They are also just as likely to have children as those with lots of love to give. It’s only a matter of counting that there are many more children harmed by the family they grew up in than just the numbers in care. Unfortunately society is lagging in its recognition of the scale of the problem of unloving parents.

As a survivor of an abusive family I feel on the outside of polite society. So much in the media is ‘enpathy normative’ that for years I felt shame for feeling very angry and unkind about my parents. It turns out society feels uncomfortable about the idea that your friendly neighbour or mate down the pub is psychologically tearing their child to shreds behind closed doors, because they can, because they get a buzz out if it.

Your mum is completely disengaged from her feelings. She has nothing to offer you. This is the second death. The first death was a slow one of having a childhood torn out your hands by an angry adult who was supposed to do the very opposite.

Therapy has helped me enormously. And loving myself fiercely.

She is still abusing you via neglect and dismissiveness.

But you are an adult now and you don't have to stay in her circle.
You can step away, stop contacting her. It's her, not you.

Wow that's quite difficult to read as it resonates so much :( I'm sorry you've been through this too

I cut my mother of years ago.

Thank you for writing this, I cannot tell you much it mirrors exactly what I went through to.

I've had a bit of therapy but haven't been able to describe or articulate what happened properly since because it was just normal life for so long.