Nice men

[DontIknowYourName]

I have had two long significant relationships ,from which I have one child (teen).

Since splitting with my child’s father about 8 years ago I haven’t actively looked for a new relationship, not dated or had sex with anyone. I have been pretty closed to the idea. On the odd occasion that I have considered it (joined online dating for a short while, had a couple of crushes), I have always let my head rule my actions and decided not to pursue anything.

Both my former partners were recreational drug users, one an alcoholic as well. While there was a short period in the 90s where I was peer pressured into taking ecstasy a couple of times, I have never been into drug use and am very triggered by other people’s use. I know my son’s father still uses coke and I am fearful he will die one day, leaving me with the mess of explaining to our child.

Anyway. I am often lonely but also very independent and just not prepared to let someone else come into my
life and then f* it up. Things have been on a fairly even keel the last few years. I have no idea how to meet people and I find online dating too hard a leap to make. I am in my 50s and just want to meet someone nice with their own life, no drugs, no alcohol and no weird kinky sex.

Do these men exist? How can I trust myself to make the right decision given that I have chosen so badly the last two times?

Yes, they exist. Maybe you should try different environments. Do you do any sports?

Dear DontKnowYourName,
There are thousands of men out there that don’t do drugs ,alcohol, wierd sex, abuse women, work hard for a living, not living off benefits. I always belonged to Motor Cycle Clubs in my younger days knowing many good honest fellas without attachments, of all ages & interests many in their 50s/60s , lots of professional people ,Doctors ,Police Men,Fire Fighters,Train Drivers, lots of Hospital workers, Carpenters etc.
Men that don’t do “on line dating” do exist in the UK, It’s also difficult for men to find unattached ladies that don’t do OLD without a big social circle to get to know.

In short, yes, they exist. In spades. I only spend time with ‘nice’ men, whether they’re acquaintances, friends or prospects.

I’ve usually met mine through various workplaces, so if you work somewhere with nice people, why don’t you start off by befriending a few men and getting your belief in the opposite sex back? Might also be a way to expand your social circle etc.

If you’re looking for safety, it’s better to be around people you know and trust for starters, OLD can be more difficult I feel.

Thank you.

I have lots of make friends but don’t want to be romantically involved with any of them.

no sports aside from cycling by myself (non lycra version). What would you suggest?

sadly I don’t have a motor bike.

PS to ‘live off’ benefits I think these days you need to be disabled or retired.

if I met a man who was having his income
supplemented by benefits he is entitled to
like I am, then I wouldn’t mind.

They do exist, I have one!

The main issue is probably your age - a lot of nice men from roughly 35 and up will already be taken. That’s not to say all, although any single will possibly have been divorced or widowed which can bring its own set of challenges.

You’ll probably eventually find someone, but the chances are high there will be some kind of baggage.

First I would do the Freedom Programme and become versed in what a healthy relationship looked like. I would read up on good boundaries, assertiveness and relationship red flags.

Then I would do some activities to meet people such an evening class, a sport, a society or a club like a hiking club, film club or book club. I would also travel, go and see some of the world. Maybe do some volunteer work.

Regarding dating, I would take it slowly. If online dating, be merciless weeding out time wasters, sleazes and other red flags. Meet initially for a quick coffee to see if there's any attraction and take it from there.At the first sign of trouble I would ditch and move on.