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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband not looking after his health

8 replies

herewego3 · 16/08/2024 13:24

I am utterly fed up. My husband refuses to take any responsibility for his poor health.

He is 60. Has heart problems. Has been in hospital recently, where it became obvious he is a fully blown type 2 diabetic now. For years he was on the cusp. He hardly exercises and eats shit. I feel as though I am watching him die slowly. My son and I spent 3 weeks visiting him every day in hospital, worrying about him, supporting him and he comes out and eats rubbish almost straight away.

I have just caught him with a huge bowl of really sugary granola, wolfing it down. I am so done with it all. He tells me not to nag him and just carries on. He is greedy and lazy. He hasn't worked for months, but has just sat around "job hunting".His industry is very quiet at the moment, and he isn't well enough physically to get a job in a supermarket or anything lile that. I get that. But I am fairly certain most people would have made more of their free time and done some work around the house, or tidied up or something. I have still had to do the day to day running of the house etc as well as work full time. He won't even do more than the most basic of gardening as "that is your job".

I am trying to lose weight and he bought crisps and chocolate bars home last week, he thought it was funny. I don't know where they have gone, I expect he has eaten them.

He has always been prone to physical laziness and a bad diet. If I cook for him he either criticises it and / or just eats a load of toast a few hours later.If he cooks it actually isn't terribly unhealthy food but again he will eat something else a few hours later. Consumes vast quantities of bread, very few vegetables. Never eats fruit. Drinks diet coke (the irony) non stop.

I don't know how he expects me to care for him and about him when he doesn't. My son has told me he thinks his father is selfish acting in this way not caring how we feel when we watch it.

I am a strong independent person with a senior job. And yet I sit at home and put up with this shit. I still love him, but I am just done with this. I honestly think that I could leave him tomorrow and be a happier person. The idea of looking after him physically in a few years because he has made such poor decisions fills me with dread.

OP posts:
LilacRaven · 16/08/2024 13:35

Would be interesting to hear what he does for you? How he makes you feel loved/special?

If you have nothing and are clinging on to some distant memory of when you first met he clearly doesn't deserve you. Id make his life a living hell until he left me or got a job/did all the housework.

Newgirls · 16/08/2024 13:37

Is your son grown up? Then move out. Life is short op. It doesn’t sound like a good marriage any more

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2024 13:42

I honestly think that I could leave him tomorrow and be a happier person

Do it. Wait much longer and you’ll be his full time carer while being the only one who works and it’ll be more complicated to ditch him.

See a good lawyer and find out how much it’ll cost you to offload him.

MiddleAgedDread · 16/08/2024 13:44

I'd have left him a long time ago, this sort of eating behaviour drives me mad!

why0whydear · 06/01/2025 20:03

OP's situation quite resonates with me. I was actually looking for a similar thread before creating a new one. I'm also over weight but I am a mindful eater and get my steps in.

H on the other hand is approaching 40 and is obscenely obese and greedy. His weight is approximately 150kg (24 stone ) as he told me many months ago. My suspicion is it Must be higher.

He likes to finish all the food I've made. Couple of days ago I was on period and my tummy was hurting so bad I went up to lie down and asked him to help himself with the dinner. He ate the entire wok of noodles I made and left me with a small bowl portion. Whenever I don't serve him he'll help himself to the entire meal and leave nothing for me or later ask me to take some from his plate / bowl. I hate that. I hate eating his leftover. If he can't finish his meal he'll ask me to eat which I often refuse he just bins the rest. I've asked him so many times to eat the leftovers following day but he refuses.

He'd eat "snacks" after eating a proper meal 3 times a day. Addicted to Coke Zero. I was made redundant last year and I've kind of become SAHM for the last year as I've struggled to find any reasonable job and totally into housework / cooking etc. if I don't buy any snack (as I've not been able to in the last year or so given the monetary circumstances) he would just order them from Deliveroo or Uber eats. He would never go to a store. Lazy B***d wants everything in his hand. Hardly once a week he'll do dishwasher and announce it for the rest of the week. Has cooked once in the last 6 months. I do the cleaning , meal prep, childcare , drop off/ pick ups. If I don't cook anything he'll order something for himself and won't step into the kitchen. The DC are always fed before and taken care of before H eats.

I don't know how to explain him to get him moving. Mine and his family will be scandalized if I mention divorce or separation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2025 20:15

You won’t ever get him moving because he does not want to. And he’s got you running around after him.

What is the point of you and he being together now?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why would you worry yourself about the reaction of his family or your own?. They’re not married to him. And as for they being supposedly scandalised, well it’s no longer the Edwardian era. It’s not their problem.

Youre married to him and you could well end up being his carer going forward. I would plan your exit from this marriage before that happens.

whatisforteamum · 06/01/2025 20:55

Sounds like mine except I make him do half the chores.
He did have a massive heart attack 10 yrs ago after I worried nagged and tried to help him.
He doesn't come on my walks and I do 3 miles per day for work.
Doesn't do kettlebell weights like me or stay slim like me.
Not does DM who had lots of ill health obesity related.
I feel your pain.

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/01/2025 21:53

He doesn’t take you seriously OP.
I think you need to give him and ultimatum
If he’s not working how does he have access to money to buy crap foods?
Stop enabling him. That includes taking away access to money he doesn’t earn
Take control of the food in your house . Biscuits etc get destroyed.
Stop cooking and washing for him - he’s at home he needs to step
I suspect this will be too little too late .
But if you don’t act he will need a Carer ?
How old is your Son ?

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