Awkward lies affecting kids

Twace123 · 2024-08-16T11:58:03+00:00

Hi,my husband left me in April this year for another woman, we'd been together for 31 years. Our children (4) they range from 30yrs to 27yrs have been really shocked because he's told his new lady that he was separated from me 10 years ago, and I have a different name because we both have the same 1st name!! all our have children have grandchildren but hubby won't speak to them incase they "drop him in it" with the woman and his lies.our daughter's getting married next year and he father not going to be there to give her away and I told him to just come by himself but he's not.The other woman doesn't know anything about it because he's not introduced her to any of them incase they say something out of place. I feel so sorry for them I don't know what I can do.

LilacRaven · 16/08/2024 13:08

Wow he is vile. This is not on you to fix. Your children are adults so I'd leave them and their father to establish their own relationship. Obviously this my cause more distress and hurt but in the long run will be better. Id focus on what you can do to make your daughter feel extra special. Maybe you could even offer to walk her down the isle if he doesn't?

Original poster

Twace123 · 16/08/2024 13:28

I have a brilliant relationship with all my kids, and they are trying to sort out why he's being like he is, when they phone him he'll only answer them if he's not with her, and then it's only for about 3-4 minutes. I know what a lying b... he is but I don't want put my views on it.

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SamW98 · 16/08/2024 13:40

Wow - so he would rather ruin his relationship with his children and grandchildren than risk his new bird finding out he’s a lying cheating piece of shit?

Honestly what a pathetic specimen he is.

StamppotAndGravy · 16/08/2024 13:46

Can you contact her? You'll be the baddy and he might take it out on your kids, but at least the lies will be gone. They already know he's an arsehole anyway

FastCaar · 16/08/2024 13:48

I don't think that there's much that you can do. DC are obviously adults and I am sure they will be able to manage the situation for themselves but it's totally understandable how you feel so sorry for them and you want to fix it. On a different point, it does sound very much like he's being controlled. I don't know to what extent that might concern you but, if it does, perhaps have a chat with your DC about that? See what they think?

LilacRaven · 16/08/2024 13:51

Twace123 · 16/08/2024 13:28

I have a brilliant relationship with all my kids, and they are trying to sort out why he's being like he is, when they phone him he'll only answer them if he's not with her, and then it's only for about 3-4 minutes. I know what a lying b... he is but I don't want put my views on it.

Maybe it's better if he doesn't come to the wedding. I know it's her Dad but the new family she will be starting is what the day is really about and I'm sure everyone will be more relaxed if he is wasn't around .........

AyeDeadOn · 16/08/2024 13:53

Id just tell her the truth myself. What have you to lose?

Ihavenotaskedyou · 16/08/2024 14:04

As someone else who is the adult child in a similar situation, don't do anything.
My dm tried pushing for a relationship between my f and us siblings (that wasn't her decision to make). I actually feel it has harmed our relationship as well. I just wanted my dm to accept my decision about how I conduct my future relationship with my f.
Just be with your dc and dgc, enjoy their company but respect that any relationship they choose to have is their choice and no reflection on you.

Original poster

Twace123 · 16/08/2024 14:11

My kids know everything about what he did and what he says. I couldn't care less what he does if he comes or not with the new woman, I personally don't want to talk to him, but I wouldn't want to spoil my daughter's wedding. Karma has its own way of evening things up!! I just think it's a real shame that he's putting his 5 month old relationship over his daughter! All his grandchildren can't understand he won't talk to them either, it's like there's only him and the new woman in his life now, as he's dropped all of them aswell.

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KreedKafer · 16/08/2024 14:20

There's nothing you can, or should, do. Your kids are adults and they need to have this out with their dad; they're not children and you are not responsible for your ex-husband's terrible behaviour.

Original poster

Twace123 · 16/08/2024 14:39

No I'm not going to interfere in his new relationship, I only think she's going to find out what he likes when they have been together for a while, she knows he has children and she's already asked to meet them ( he let it slip when he was talking to 1 of his daughters) but he can't let her meet anyone because she would find out my name is the same as hers and he only left 5 months ago, so he's put himself in a really bad situation, I wonder what he's told her . Obviously it's got to be good for him, cos he can't tell her the truth aswell!!

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Getonwitit · 16/08/2024 15:22

There is nothing you can do but sit back and watch his life implode.

PensionedCruiser · 22/08/2024 05:01

Twace123 · 16/08/2024 14:11

My kids know everything about what he did and what he says. I couldn't care less what he does if he comes or not with the new woman, I personally don't want to talk to him, but I wouldn't want to spoil my daughter's wedding. Karma has its own way of evening things up!! I just think it's a real shame that he's putting his 5 month old relationship over his daughter! All his grandchildren can't understand he won't talk to them either, it's like there's only him and the new woman in his life now, as he's dropped all of them aswell.

Some men change into teenagers with a new woman and (most likely) more sex than he had been accustomed to. It's very common that he's likely to be thinking with his d@ck. I'm sorry to be coarse, but this is probably why he's being adolescent and putting this new shiny relationship before everything.

It's not your problem to fix, OP. Yes, by all means mourn the loss of his interaction with your own (adult) children and grandchildren. It is very sad that someone you all thought you knew could do this. Ultimately though, it is for your children to decide how much effort they are prepared to put in to keeping a relationship going with their father while his mind is on other things.

As for the wedding - I don't think any of you should pressure him either to come or to play the father's role. He will if he wants to, but it's probably better to be prepared that he might not and have a son or son-in-law ready to stand in. As you say, Karma will catch up eventually.

WingSluts · 22/08/2024 06:50

What’s the big issue with you both having the same name?

ThisIsJustShit · 22/08/2024 07:55

WingSluts · 22/08/2024 06:50

What’s the big issue with you both having the same name?

Given the OW believes he separated from his wife 10 years ago, she is unlikely to have an issue with sharing a name with her.

However, that isn't the case so he wants to distance himself from the OP as much as possible in his mind because to acknowledge the OP in any way forces him to see what a dick he's been/is being.

If the new girlfriend hears her name knowing it's the same as the OP's, he believes the new girlfriend would be reminded of what he has done every time she hears her own name. Of course, that wouldn't happen because she doesnt know she was the OW.

It's a way of psychologically protecting himself. It doesn't make sense because, if he were telling the truth and the OP and he had split 10 years ago, no one would care but it's an issue for him because new girlfriend was the OW. It doesn't make sense in reality because it's illogical.

Men who have cheated (and I guess women too) rewrite the whole narrative of their previous relationship to protect themselves from the reality of what they have done. This is just part of that.

Igmum · 22/08/2024 09:00

So sorry this has happened to you @Twace123 but, as others have said, it's no longer your job to clean up this guy's shit. Step away. Hopefully he will do the decent thing, but that isn't down to you. Enjoy your children and grandchildren and forget him.

Original poster

Twace123 · 22/08/2024 12:18

With regards to my/her name, he's got a tattoo of "tracey" all up his arm to "prove" that he loves her!!! My response was, wow what a dick!!
It's almost like I don't know the man so different to how he used to be, I think he's like a child mentally.

OP posts:

chipsdog · 22/08/2024 17:47

Twace123 · 22/08/2024 12:18

With regards to my/her name, he's got a tattoo of "tracey" all up his arm to "prove" that he loves her!!! My response was, wow what a dick!!
It's almost like I don't know the man so different to how he used to be, I think he's like a child mentally.

Is Tracey your name as well

Original poster

Twace123 · 22/08/2024 20:24

Yes it is

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Nanny0gg · 22/08/2024 20:39

I'd want to tell her

She has no idea she's the OW

MM2024 · 23/08/2024 07:21

Usually I would say move on with your life and don't get involved but this situation feels different. I would message the other "Tracey" to say Hi "Tracey", I just wanted to let you know that there are no hard feelings and I have no problem with you attending (child's name) wedding with (ex-husband name) on (date of wedding). I just want a lovely wedding day for my child. Kind Regards, "Tracey" (ex-wife). She then has the information of your name and when the wedding is that she wasn't told about. Hopefully she is a decent person and will encourage him to go to the wedding (not that he deserves to be there!)

Bonbon249 · 23/08/2024 18:39

Hoo boy! This piece of work has a boat load of karma coming his way! If I were you, Twace, I'd pull up a chair, get some wine and chocolate (or whatever floats your boat) then sit back and enjoy the show, cos this house of cards can't last much longer!

Maray1967 · 23/08/2024 19:58

Getonwitit · 16/08/2024 15:22

There is nothing you can do but sit back and watch his life implode.

Oh, I’d be knocking on the door to set her straight. Up to her whether she believes me or not - but I’d be telling her the truth. She deserves to know what kind of person she’s living with.

Original poster

Twace123 · 23/08/2024 21:18

I don't want to, he can live his lies, he's working now (which he had a problem with before!!) So he can pay off her car loan and credit card. Then they want to go abroad for a holiday and he's also paying for a 2k engagement ring for her!! I only know all of this because he phone's 1 of our daughters once a week to see if he's got any mail (he used her address as a "care of" address. All she knows is he's in Norfolk now and she's an accountant, he won't let anyone know where abouts they are living, incase she pops out to see them!. I don't think she's that thick I believe she knows what he's like and she's getting all her debts paid!

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