AIBU to expect my Husband to understand I’m stressed

[Biscuitfiend1]

I’d like some honest advice/input please. Married with kids. I work, look after a disabled child and have no support. I’ve also been through a tough time personally. I can struggle with managing my stress levels and get easily overwhelmed and snap at people however, I’m also a fair and kind person who would help anyone if I could. My DH works long hours and is also tired and busy. If I snap at him for not chipping in around the house, he will snap back, tell me it must be my ‘time of the month’, he’s even told me I’m narcissistic for expressing my feelings at his expense. I’ve tried to explain that I often feel overwhelmed and I’d just like him to try and understand this, but he says I’m unreasonable and I just want a reaction, which really isn’t true. He’ll then just make snarky comments and dismiss anything I have to say. Can I ask AIBU to expect a busy man to suck my ‘crankiness’ up or should I apologise for feeling overwhelmed and snappy and taking it out on him?

I do t think you should expect your husband to suck it up if you are snappy. It will make hiim feel like shit.

Yes you're bu. He's not your whipping boy to take your moods out on. Talking to a partner like shit just because you're in a mood and grumpy is verbal abuse. You describe yourself as a fair and kind person, but you're not being either of those to him are you. If he's not pulling his weight at home then you sit down and have a calm conversation about distribution of labour based on the hours you both have available for household work, but neither of you has the right to expect the other just to suck up being spoken to like shit.

Soooo, you're allowed to snap at him but he's expected to just suck it up and not snap back?

Nah. He's not your punching bag. I appreciate life is stressful, but you need to do better at managing it without resorting to taking it out on your family and expecting them to just take it because you think your stress is somehow more of a justification for snappiness than theirs.

You do sound very stressed and it’s understandable that you would want your husband to care about that, your health and well-being matters. But as someone who also struggles when I’m overwhelmed I say with compassion that it is so important to look for differently ways to manage stress levels as well as learning how to communicate how you feel and what you need without anger. (I get you though, the anger is probably a defense emotion for something more vulnerable underneath like feeling taken for granted, or unloved/unsupported etc). What do you need from him? A verbal acknowledgment of how much you have on your plate, a cuddle, him to work with you to plan what priority jobs need keeping on top of and what can take a back seat or time each day to go for a walk/workout? Your family will just end up feeling hurt by your snappiness which will just perpetuate the stress cycle and everyone will suffer. And the guilt that you then feel is awful to carry, because of course you don’t mean to hurt the people you love. I hope things get easier for you soon. Just remember to try and repair if you say something out of order, you’re only human and making changes will take practice.