Partner left me at 8 months pregnant

[Cindy97]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation before and come out the other side, I'm a bit lost at the minute.
Me and my partner were together since December, unexpectedly became pregnant and didn't know until 16 weeks as I was on the pill and had no symptoms. Baby girl is due October 1st. Kids were never in either of our plans but here we are.

Partner was very shocked, as was I, he had some time to think it over after I gave him the option to leave back in April, he decided to stay. Partner has Asperges but quite high functioning, just struggles with changes and routine so I've been drip feeding baby info as to not overwhelm him, I feel I've been very understanding of his not wanting to come to scans/appointments and not telling many people of his soon to be daughter.

Fast forward to this week, I didn't hear from him for near on 5 days, I was going crazy with worry, he messages me saying we can't stay together, he has never wanted to he in the babys life and he thought his love for me could pull us through this but he was wrong. Text also said he will offer financial support on the positive result of a DNA test which is BAFFLING to me, but I've agreed as there is no way this is not his child. He wants no contact at all with baby girl. He said he has turned his phone off to have time to adjust.

I'm 8 months pregnant, feeling alone and confused. He is such a lovely man and I can't believe he would do this. I've asked him today to reconsider his thoughts and that I don't have the option to run away and I'm scared too but I think his phone is still off. I don't know what to do, I feel heartbroken for this little girl to grow up without a father, wondering why she wasn't good enough to have a dad. I know how debilitating that can be for a child.

Also to add, he didn't have a father figure growing up either, he's seen both his mum and auntie have to raise their children alone. How can you repeat the same cycle?
To rub salt in the wound, his mum definitely wrote the text he sent, he is quite dyslexic and that text was almsot legal sounding.

Any advice is appreciated.

Ps. We're both in our late 20s

First of all -sorry this is happening to you. You will be fine. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

You've known this chap for a short time and are obviously fond of him - but he's stepping away from you and you need to get your head around this ASAP, with such a short time before your due date.

You need to get to a place where you are raising your DD by yourself. So don't try to contact him anymore until your DD is born.

Do you have family support?
Do you have someone to be your birthing partner? (hint even if he comes back /asks to be present at the birth, decline him. He doesn't have your best interest at heart).
Do you have his address?

So when your DD is born, notify him by post of her arrival and say you'll be putting in a claim for child maintenance. It will be up to him to challenge paternity and the CMS people will sort it out. Put the claim in as soon as you can after she's born.

It's up to you whether to offer contact but to be honest I'd take him at his word that he doesn't want to be part of her life.

When you register her birth give her your surname. Unless he is present you will not be able to add his name to the birth certificate. If things change, he can apply to be named. You're not doing your DD a disservice doing this. You're making admin around schools, holidays, medical treatments easier for you & her.

Sadly you're not the first Mum to find herself in this position, and you won't be the last. You can do this.

I was in a similar position many years ago. I agree with the pp, you have good reasons to be confident in your ability to be ok.
PM me if you want more specific information about how I managed. I'm a bit too tired to write a lot now and don't want to put DDs personal info on the thread 🙂
Best of luck.

Thank you, your advice is really helpful. I have lots of family support and birthing partners in mind and people to help me in the coming months, I'm very lucky.

I do have his address. My thoughts were definitely to go through CMS, I asked if he'd source the DNA test but to do it in front of trusted people from both parties to avoid false tests, I wouldn't put it past his family at this point.

Thank you, I hope you've come out the other side with your head held high.
I appreciate the support.

So sorry he’s turned out to be a turd OP.

Good advice from PP.
You will be ok.

Similar happened to someone I know. Father never did see the baby, now an adult, who grew up fine without him.

Fully focus on getting ready for your little girl. You have some brilliant adventures together ahead.

💐

He is NOT a lovely man, nothing but an absolute piece of shit does this.

He has however done you a MASSIVE favour. I'd rather no contact than a lifetime of crumbs of affection and constant chasing to encourage him to have a relationship with his child. It would be so so much worse for him to disappear when she's a baby and hard work, and just keep going back and forth, not having the ability to parent properly.

And what's with all the crap about not giving him enough info or him not being able to handle your appointments? Fuck him.

He would be an anchor around your neck.

Honestly, take it face value, don't insist on contact. Move on with your life. You have plenty of love in you for your baby girl. She is lucky to have you. Be strong, you can do this ❤

Pm you. Message me if you like

It's comforting to know I've probably dodged a bullet. I really tried to be accommodating of the Asperges but nothing I did seemed to help.

Thank you. I think its hard to convince myself that he's really done this and that shows what character he has, just completely different to who I fell in love with. Trying my best to be strong for baby girl, thank you x

I know it’s hard OP but I do believe you have dodged a bullet. Don’t contact him now at all, and go through the CMS and I believe they sort dna tests but I’m happy to be corrected.

I don’t believe he’s a lovely man either, in the long run you will come out the other side and your little girl will be absolutely fine as she has you. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and I hope everything turns out okay for you x

Lovely men don't do this to their pregnant partners. It's unspeakably cruel when you're so vulnerable. Right now, just focus on getting through this pregnancy and birth and only give him headspace when you're good and ready to. Until them, block his number and change the locks.

You can and you will do this

So glad you have good support OP. Take him at his word and don't contact until after the birth and then only to notify about maintenance claim. Don't get involved in the DNA test issue - that is up to cms and others to do, not you. His family sound as though they are interfering, so keep well away and block. You and your lovely DD will be well shot of this so-called father.

You will be absolutely fine and you will be delighted this idiot is out of your life. You thought you were 'partners', whatever it might mean, he thought you were having casual sex. You can't tell 'oh, he is autistic' and excuse his behaviour. People can be autistic and angels and people can be autistic and swines. Yours is in the latter category.

people with Asperges can struggle with loud noises and the stresses of babys. Some are not up for the challenge, Its better he left now yes its crappy but he did you a favour.