Partner cheated after 11 years and confusing situation

[Mommy32]

My partner of 11 years cheated on me on a work night out with a girl he works with about 2 months ago. He said he was drunk and there was nothing there, he has no feeling or anything for her. We have a DD 4 years and a DS 6 months.
i was devastated when I found out and told him to move out. I wanted to try and make it work, but he told me he was no longer in love and eventually told me he didn’t wanna be with me. This hurt like hell, but I accepted it. The thing is before all this happened he would constantly love bomb me, tell me how beautiful I am and say he couldn’t imagine life without me.
Since all this he has been coming round most days to help with the children, I’m just finding it awkward as he is still acting normal, trying to make banter, winking at me and sometimes making crude comments. I am due to go on a family holiday with my family and he wants to come as it would be the children’s first holiday abroad.
i am just so confused by this whole situation.

You'd be mad to let him start worming his way back in and coming on holidays etc. As painful and tough as it is, he has made his choice so let him crack on and start making a life for yourself and your children. He's treated you like shit

Sorry this happened. Don't let him come on holiday, and perhaps it's time to knock daily visits on the head and make a proper childcare arrangement splitting time between two homes.

Yep I know.
its like he still wants part of me, but doesn’t wanna be with me. I just don’t understand how someone can have a big u - turn. He says everyone he looks at me he feels guilty.

How fucking dare he. Do you want him coming over? Can’t he take them out? Is he paying maintenance? He’s taking the absolute piss flirting with you and trying to crash your holiday. If he wanted you and to be part of the family unit he was lucky to have he shouldn’t have fucked around and then herb so shockingly cruel to you. I’m livid for you. Find your anger and your self esteem. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

He’s even had the cheek to tell me he doesn’t miss me. How can he, he is still having his cake and eating it.
still seeing the kids everyday and then going back to mommy’s and having dinner done for him

Well he sounds absolutely horrendous OP.
Has meaningless sex with a work colleague when you are at home with his Dd and baby DS. Then tells you he doesn't love you. But has the nerve to not only want to come on holiday with you but also try it on with you sexually. Sounds as though he is missing his home comforts.

I agree with pp : you should formalise the child care arrangements and only have contact with him about the children.

Ok you got carried away thwre, he’s not tried it on and she didn’t write that. You leapt too far.

op, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Clearly he thinks you would take him back and he’s got cocky with it, I suggest you make it clear you have more dignity,and you’re not hanging out waiting for him.

What comes across is how committed he is to his children. He wants to go on the holiday to experience it with his children. He’s coming over daily to see his children. He’s engaging with you to keep things normal for the children.

You need to find a way to encourage his relationships with his children while maintaining boundaries to protect yourself. He has moved on and you need to be able to catch up.

I wonder whether he should be taking the children EOW and cutting down on daily visits?

Well perhaps " trying it on" was a bit ott. But winking, banter and crude remarks sounds extremely suggestive of what's on his mind. I find the winking bit really gross tbh.

I really doubt he wants to get back with her. I’m sorry I will disagree here, I don’t think this is what you’re encouraging her to think and I don’t think you’re helping her suggesting it is.

Why are you letting him into your house?
and get CMS onto him pronto if he isn’t supporting your children financially.
under no circumstances let him ruin your holiday.
he sounds HORRIBLE.

Well I agree : I don't think he wants to get back with her in the sense of moving back in and being remorseful and a decent partner to OP. He wants what is good for him e.g the holiday.

What a shit 😡 OP you are much better off without him. When he comes over to see the kids, grab your bag & say see you in 2 hours or whatever and leave him to it. Let him get used to solo parenting. Tell him no way is he coming on holiday with you. Get yourself some legal advice asap. Don't let him worm his way back in, he's a tosser who's playing mind games with you.

Ugh. This winking, sex pest cheat sounds utterly, utterly repulsive.

^cheater

He sounds like a covert narcissist. Look it up. Read, “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza. There are free copies online. It sounds like he’s done the narc discard.

Here’s a free online copy

ia600600.us.archive.org/31/items/hybridphilosophy-collection/The-Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-by-Debbie-Mirza.pdf

Sod that op. Tell him he can't come round the house any longer and suggest he has the dc every other weekend and once during the week, plus tell him there's no way in hell that he's coming on holiday with you!

I had a similar experience, he cheated after a work night out and moved out. He had actually moved in with her and came crawling back a couple of months later. Was always at my house and flirting with me and freaked out when he thought I was meeting someone (I wasn’t). I let him back and he cheated again less than a year later. I should never have taken him back. I know it’s hard to hear but he might be seeing her. He’s flirting with you most likely to get an ego stroke. If he respected you he’d leave you the hell alone and keep it formal. I know it hurts terribly but men that drop their children/ partner on a dime usually have massive issues and are not worth having back. I wish I’d listened to people when my ex came back, which he will once the lust/ excitement runs out. You on the other hand will most likely be left with trust and self esteem issues. This shouldn’t have happened to you but it has. You need to put yourself first.

He's told you and shown you what he really feels about you. But he’s happy to keep you dangling on a piece of string because it gives him an ego boost. Are you still intimate with him in anyway?

I would redraw the boundaries pronto. Tell him that the time is right to start new arrangements. Every other weekend and one evening/ tea time per week. And make a start on that child maintenance claim.

Cut the daily visits out. He doesn't get to miss anything as seeing you daily, but how can you move past it when he is round all the time? You need to show him what he has chucked away, let him feel the loss.
You seem to be having a difficulty saying NO to him. You need to do that more often. It starts with him coming round less. Your older DC, he could have round his mums overnight, but it would BU for him to have your youngest overnight. Perhaps an afternoon out all of you at the weekend, so he sees your youngest for a while, then he takes your eldest for an overnight visit. Apart from that, let him miss them during the week, let him feel theirs and your absence.
Definitely no to the holiday. He is stupid to suggest it, and you'd be a fool to let him.